If you had April 27th as the day I decided to take out my frustrations by filling a squirt gun with lukewarm tomato soup to shoot at people who are stressing me out, you win a prize!
The prize is that I will say "You should probably start running before I shoot this squirt gun full of lukewarm tomato soup at you." before I shoot you, which should give you ample escape time. I won't run your ass down.
Rando: "Do you have any George RR Martin?"
Me: "Yea. Over here is a stack of books, mostly from the Game Of Thrones series."
Rando: "Oh, these are all picture books. Do you have any real ones?"
Me: "Well, we're a comic book store, so we mainly have comics and graphic novels. For non-graphic novels, I recommend checking out Local Book Store."
Rando: "Oh, I don't read comic b---IS THAT A DEATH NOTE COMIC? I MUST HAVE IT."
The person in front of me in line at the deli asked the guy working "Do you make your own chicken?"
He did not say, "Yea, I fuck a bunch of hens every month." which was the only response I would even consider.
While out for dinner on The Vineyard, I heard two guys talking about how their friend (who had just left for the bathroom) and his girlfriend's relationship wasn't going to work out.
Islander #1: "I don't know what they're thinking. He was born in Edgartown, and has lived there all his life. She was born in Oak Bluffs, and has lived there all her life. I don't know how you get past that."
Islander #2: "Love makes you do crazy things. I give them a month."
This is akin to saying that someone from North Cambridge and someone from Somerville could Never Possibly Have Anything In Common.
I was asked to translate my conversations with Selina Ribcage so that people understand why I am so hostile to my Virtue Signaling, Fake Ass Ally Of A Cat, so here you go:
Selina: Are you doing anything for Pride?
Me: I'm busy doing some editing now, Selina. I need you to be quiet.
Selina: Is that a "no" about Pride? I thought part of being queer was supporting other queer members of your community.
Me: Selina, I don't have time to talk to you right now. I'm busy.
Selina: If the only queer thing you do is sleep with people of your own gender, you might be part of the problem.
Me: What problem? What are you talking about, you miserable cat?
Selina: You write a lot about being queer but I never see you at any events or fundraisers.
Me: How would you have seen me at any events or fundraisers? You are an indoor cat. You have not left this house since 2011.
Selina: So HAVE You gone to any events?
Me: Selina, I don't have time to talk about this right now. Especially not to a cat who lives rent free in my house and has been known to puke in the general vicinity of my shoes.
Selina: I wouldn't say anything but I recently read an article about how sexually active closeted gay men are part of the patriarchal hegemony that's responsible for Trump's rise to power.
Me: I'm not closeted. What are you talking about?
Selina: It's all here in this arti--
Me: That link is from The Onion, Selina. It's satire. Also, it's about car maintenance, not sexuality or politics.
Selina: I can't read. I'm a cat. But also, there's this article ab--
Me Infowars is not a valid source, Selina.
Selina: DON'T SILENCE ME. I AM A HUMAN BEING!!!
Me: No, you're a cat. A very loud, extremely obnoxious cat.
Selina: I HOPE YOU GET AIDS!!!
Me: That is homophobic, and awful. Get out of my room.
Selina: BEING MARGINALIZED DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO BE A BULLY!!!!
Me: Get. out. of. my. room. you. stupid. cat.
Selina: I WILL PEE IN A PLACE YOU CAN NOT FIND!!!!
Me: Shut up.
Selina: JUST WHEN YOU ARE ABOUT TO FALL ASLEEP, I WILL POUNCE ON YOUR STOMACH AND FLICK MY TAIL IN YOUR FACE.
Me: Shut. up.
Selina: THE REVOLUTION IS COMING, AND FAKE ASS QUEERS LIKE YOU WILL --- HEY!!! PUT ME DOWN!!! I WILL NOT BE CARRIED OUT OF THE ROOM AND DISPOSED OF LIKE ONE OF YOUR CAT HATING EX-BOYFRIENDS. I HAVE RIGHTS!!!!
I close the door, and go back to editing.
Selina: TYPICAL LEFTIST BULLYING BEHAVIOR!!!! THIS ISN'T FACEBOOK, ASSHOLE!!! YOU CAN'T BLOCK ME!!! I WILL SCREAM UNTIL --- IS THAT A GLASS OF WATER? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! MEEEEEEEEEEEEOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????
Me: Shut. the fuck. up.
After a few minutes of silence, there is the sound of scratching at the door.
Selina: LET ME IN SO I CAN TELL YOU WHY ALL OF YOUR WRITING IS GARBAGE.
Me: SHUT UP.
Selina: DON'T RAISE YOUR VOICE, I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU BE A BETTER PERSON.
On my way to work, in the distance, I saw a young dude jumping up and pointing to the sky. He then ran across the street, and a different person took his place, jumping and pointing into the sky. This repeated three times as I approached. I was consistently wondering, "Why are these prospective Harvard students getting their pictures take pointing to the sign of a hardware st---OH."
The hardware store in the square is called Dickson Bros. but there is an interesting kerning issue that makes it read Dicks on Bros.
When, thirty years from now, you read about a super villain burning down retail stores because, when he was a child, a comic book store clerk murdered his father in front of him, you're going to instinctively imagine it was me that did it.
You will be correct.
When you see someone is working on separating comics on to piles with names on it, you don't dump them on the fucken floor to get at Transformer comics, and then take the pile of comics you're not buying and jam them in the Superman section without consequences.
And today's consequence is Death.
Stranger Via Grindr: Hey.
Me: Hey. How's it going?
SVG: Good. What are you doing?
Me: Working. You?
SVG: What do you do for work?
Me: Enable Harvard students and professors with too much money and not enough financial discipline to relive their childhood and take out their frustration about their very lonely lives.
SVG: How big?
Me: How big is my job? Their childhoods? Harvard?
SVG: How big are you down there.
Me: Same height I am no matter where I'm working.
Pain In The Ass Frequent Caller: "Hi. Are you busy?"
Me: "Very. What can I help you with? I can give you about one minute."
PITAFC: "My brother's name is Tony, so if you ever hear me say something bad about Tony, I just want you to kn--"
Me: "You've got about thirty seconds left, what can I help you with?"
PITAFC: "What is your most expensive comic?"
Me: "My boss will be in Wednesday nights, and Fridays and Saturdays during the day. You should call back then. I don't have any information you're looking for."
PITAFC: "Sorry, I have wicked diarrhea, and--"
Me: "Got to go. I'm very busy."
PITAFC: "Can I just ask you--"
There was no one in the store.
I don't know why I find it so funny when queer men Lie The Hell out of their age, but I do. Especially when they message me as though we don't know each other, as though their Grindr photo and their Facebook Profile pic weren't the same. Like, I KNOW you. I lived with your boyfriend while you were dating. You drank at my bar many times. If you were in your thirties then, you sure as Hell ain't in your twenties now. Also, I KNOW you. Your ass might be too drunk if you're sending me "U up?" messages like I'm---
Dude I Know But Have Never Had Any Non-Platonic Relationship With: "OMG Adam. Thought u were some1 else LOL."
Me: "I am in the process of dragging you on Facebook RIGHT NOW."
Me: "I'm not using your name."
DIK: "ok <whew>"
Me: "Did you by any chance buy a time machine lately?"
DIK: "whut? no? LOL"
Me: "Then how are you 24 now? Didn't you used to be 33 a couple of years ago?"
Me: "Am I wrong?"
DIK: "u got allzheimers"
Me: "I'm not the one who thinks he's a decade younger than he actually is."
DIK: "i kno how old i m LOL"
I put the phone down to type up a slightly altered version of our exchange (which you're reading, right now!).
DIK: "soooo....u up?"
Me: "Grindr says you're 2,000 feet away."
Me: "So did you just hear my eyes roll?"