Sex Therapist, teaching a college class, after showing a video of The Incident: "Where do you think this interaction went wrong?"
Student #1: "Well, like, I assume that when A said 'At least I didn't sneeze on your back this time.' he was referring to a previous time where sex was ruined because he sneezed on B's back."
ST: "We don't know that, though. There might not have been anything happening, sexually, when A sneezed on B's back. But maybe don't bring sneezing on your partner up while you're trying to be sexy unless they've mentioned that it's a turn on for them."
The class nods. S1 takes furious notes.
ST: "Anyone else?"
Student #2: "Was it when A elbowed B in the face?"
Many of the students make positive mmmmmm sounds, and there is more nodding.
ST: "While being elbowed in the face is an uncommon fetish, it seems to have happened accidentally in this case, and B was not hurt or injured, just surprised to see an elbow that close up. So I think, in this case, while I wouldn't Reccomend elbowing someone in the face, that it's not, Necessarily where the interaction went wrong."
Student #3 raises hand.
S3: "Was it when B said 'I'll take an elbow in the face over an Elmo in the face, any day?"
ST: "That was a little odd, yes. And while I would say it was a contributing factor, it probably could been overlooked if ..."
Student #2 oooh oooh ooohs and raises their hand.
S2: "It was when A said, in a creepily accurate Elmo voice 'Elmo's gonna stick his huge hairy erection in the eye socket of your rotting corpse.' and then laughed until he cried."
ST nods. "That's it. Yes. There is no recovering from that. Using Muppet voices to deliver threatening sexual lines is ALWAYS a turn off, and you must wait at least forty-five minutes before you even think of saying anything mildly flirtatious again."
S3: "Did A & B ever recover from The Incident?"
ST: "Those two weirdos? They were making out before either of them had stopped cry-laughing."
Today, while waiting for my ride to work, a guy with long hair, a pound of hallucinogens in his body, and no mask on, twirled for times in front of me, and asked me if I knew how to free the sun from its its its you know its thing that was you know free the sun.
When I shrugged, he danced away. Poorly.
Dude: "Do you realize how frequently you tell your cats to 'calm (their) tits'?"
Me: "Cats have lots of nervous energy AND lots of tits."
The upstairs piano playing neighbor leaves his car in front of our window, instead of parking it in the lot like a considerate person. Tonight, after he parked in front of it window, an unfamiliar voice asked "Do you like living here? Is it quiet?"
At which point, Dude began making loud sex noises.
Dude: "I can't help but notice you got Double Stuf Oreos instead of Mega Stuf Oreos. If we're having financial trouble, just tell me."
When confronted with a potential minor argument, both Dude and I do the "You're a--" repeating back the last word or phrase someone said.
While discussing why I buy certain types of foods for the cats, I came across the ultimate "You're a--" response, which I shall now use whenever someone tries to start small potato argument with me.
Imaginary Person: "Your mashed potatoes are bland and runny."
Me: "YOU'RE bland and runny."
IP: "You're being a child."
Me: "YOU'RE a nary tract infection."
Me: "I wish I had written down the name of the artist who had the show at that diner in Central Square. I tried to look up his website, but it's not his website, or he hasn't paid for his domain recently."
Dude: "You should call the restaurant and see if you can get his contact info."
Me: "I don't think it's open. It's a diner that doesn't have a lunch menu."
Dude: "They took a delivery order while we were there. Someone ordered an omelet"
Me: "Who would order eggs delivered? Cold breakfast foods are disgusting."
Me: "Hi, Diner? I''m a big fan of your business. I really like the way you cook food, I just wish it was colder. Could you slowly drive some to my house when you get a chance?"
Me: "Oh my god. That's what all restaurant delivery is. 'I like your food. I just wish it was colder.'"
Dude: "I guess we're not ordering in tonight?"
I shake my head vigorously. We stay in. Without buying anything.