I don't know why I find it so funny when queer men Lie The Hell out of their age, but I do. Especially when they message me as though we don't know each other, as though their Grindr photo and their Facebook Profile pic weren't the same. Like, I KNOW you. I lived with your boyfriend while you were dating. You drank at my bar many times. If you were in your thirties then, you sure as Hell ain't in your twenties now. Also, I KNOW you. Your ass might be too drunk if you're sending me "U up?" messages like I'm---
Dude I Know But Have Never Had Any Non-Platonic Relationship With: "OMG Adam. Thought u were some1 else LOL."
Me: "I am in the process of dragging you on Facebook RIGHT NOW."
Me: "I'm not using your name."
DIK: "ok <whew>"
Me: "Did you by any chance buy a time machine lately?"
DIK: "whut? no? LOL"
Me: "Then how are you 24 now? Didn't you used to be 33 a couple of years ago?"
Me: "Am I wrong?"
DIK: "u got allzheimers"
Me: "I'm not the one who thinks he's a decade younger than he actually is."
DIK: "i kno how old i m LOL"
I put the phone down to type up a slightly altered version of our exchange (which you're reading, right now!).
DIK: "soooo....u up?"
Me: "Grindr says you're 2,000 feet away."
Me: "So did you just hear my eyes roll?"