I was asked to translate my conversations with Selina Ribcage so that people understand why I am so hostile to my Virtue Signaling, Fake Ass Ally Of A Cat, so here you go:
Selina: Are you doing anything for Pride?
Me: I'm busy doing some editing now, Selina. I need you to be quiet.
Selina: Is that a "no" about Pride? I thought part of being queer was supporting other queer members of your community.
Me: Selina, I don't have time to talk to you right now. I'm busy.
Selina: If the only queer thing you do is sleep with people of your own gender, you might be part of the problem.
Me: What problem? What are you talking about, you miserable cat?
Selina: You write a lot about being queer but I never see you at any events or fundraisers.
Me: How would you have seen me at any events or fundraisers? You are an indoor cat. You have not left this house since 2011.
Selina: So HAVE You gone to any events?
Me: Selina, I don't have time to talk about this right now. Especially not to a cat who lives rent free in my house and has been known to puke in the general vicinity of my shoes.
Selina: I wouldn't say anything but I recently read an article about how sexually active closeted gay men are part of the patriarchal hegemony that's responsible for Trump's rise to power.
Me: I'm not closeted. What are you talking about?
Selina: It's all here in this arti--
Me: That link is from The Onion, Selina. It's satire. Also, it's about car maintenance, not sexuality or politics.
Selina: I can't read. I'm a cat. But also, there's this article ab--
Me Infowars is not a valid source, Selina.
Selina: DON'T SILENCE ME. I AM A HUMAN BEING!!!
Me: No, you're a cat. A very loud, extremely obnoxious cat.
Selina: I HOPE YOU GET AIDS!!!
Me: That is homophobic, and awful. Get out of my room.
Selina: BEING MARGINALIZED DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO BE A BULLY!!!!
Me: Get. out. of. my. room. you. stupid. cat.
Selina: I WILL PEE IN A PLACE YOU CAN NOT FIND!!!!
Me: Shut up.
Selina: JUST WHEN YOU ARE ABOUT TO FALL ASLEEP, I WILL POUNCE ON YOUR STOMACH AND FLICK MY TAIL IN YOUR FACE.
Me: Shut. up.
Selina: THE REVOLUTION IS COMING, AND FAKE ASS QUEERS LIKE YOU WILL --- HEY!!! PUT ME DOWN!!! I WILL NOT BE CARRIED OUT OF THE ROOM AND DISPOSED OF LIKE ONE OF YOUR CAT HATING EX-BOYFRIENDS. I HAVE RIGHTS!!!!
I close the door, and go back to editing.
Selina: TYPICAL LEFTIST BULLYING BEHAVIOR!!!! THIS ISN'T FACEBOOK, ASSHOLE!!! YOU CAN'T BLOCK ME!!! I WILL SCREAM UNTIL --- IS THAT A GLASS OF WATER? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! MEEEEEEEEEEEEOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????
Me: Shut. the fuck. up.
After a few minutes of silence, there is the sound of scratching at the door.
Selina: LET ME IN SO I CAN TELL YOU WHY ALL OF YOUR WRITING IS GARBAGE.
Me: SHUT UP.
Selina: DON'T RAISE YOUR VOICE, I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU BE A BETTER PERSON.