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When a friend has a bad breakup, and mistakenly turns to me for comfort, I always remind them "There are plenty of more worms in the graveyard. Maybe you could use one of those worms to go fishing, but most of the sea is pumped with trash and poison. Better to just stick with the worms."
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Settle an argument no one is having:
You walk into a store where a section is closed off. There is a ladder with boxes blocking one entryway. A stool with boxes blocking the only other point of ingress or egress. All of the counter space is covered with paperwork and piles of books. The person working in the store says "Sorry, that section is closed on Mondays. It will be open again tomorrow." Do you: A. Push the boxes off the stool and start to pick at the piles that you've been asked not to touch. B. Say "That's ok. I'll only be over there for a minute. I'm looking for something in particular." C. Laugh. "This is so totally my life. Look, I can't come back tomorrow. Can you just move all this stuff, so I can look. You probably don't have what I'm looking for anyway." D. Scoot the stool over, and act incredulous when the person loudly repeats "THAT SECTION IS CLOSED TODAY." E. Paw at the nearest piles and ask "Is it anything good? Is it on sale?" F. Loudly belch and announce "That's what I think of THAT." G. Argue that the section is not, in fact, closed on Mondays, but is closed on Tuesdays. Letting the clerk, who's never seen you before, but has worked here for the better part of a decade, know "I've been coming here A LONG TIME." H. Tell the employee you're good friends with the owner, dropping the name of a former owner who's been dead for enough years that his close friends should probably be aware. I. Lean on the "DON'T LEAN ON THE TABLE!" table, so that the whole pile of hardcovers and trade paperbacks slide toward you. J. Loudly grunt and leave. Random Dude: "Are you part of the Wu-Tang Clan?"
I look down. I am wearing my Wukanda shirt. "No. It says 'Wakanda'." RD: "I have several friends in the Wu-Tang Clan." Me:: "Really?" RD:"Yes. Do you know Kevin?" Me: "Kevin? Kevin from the Wu-Tang Clan? No." RD: "How about Josh?" Me: "Uhhhh. No." RD: "Josh is my favorite." And then he walked away. Random British Customer, after purchasing "Mad About Trump": "It's quite an interesting President you have here."
Me: "It's amazing how your accent changes the pronunciation of 'morally bankrupt piece of shit'." RC 1: "How many boxes of mac & cheese are in a serving?"
RC 2: "Do you mean how many servings of mac & cheese are in a box?" RC1: "No, Karen, you heard what I said." My trips from Boston to The Vineyard are usually adventure. And while I'm just on the boat now, the bus trip down was uneventful.
I grabbed my bags, got in line for the ferry, and took off my headphones just in time to hear the woman in front of me say "It's not weird. I showered with *my* dad until I was twenty-two, and I turned out just fine." I'm about 70% sure she was kidding. About turning out fine. |
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