The Crooked Treehouse
  • Tips From The Bar
  • Honest Conversation Is Overrated
  • Popcorn Culture
  • Comically Obsessed
  • Justify Your Bookshelves

Honest Conversation Is Overrated

Actual Human Interactions Witnessed Or Overheard
In  Twentieth  And  Twenty-First  Century  America

Tiny Joseph Gordon Levitt Kid

2/19/2017

0 Comments

 
Tiny Joseph Gordon Levitt Kid: Hi. I'm fourteen. I would like a job application, please.

Me: We don't have applications. But if you come in on a Friday or Saturday you can talk to the owner.

TJGLK: Is that (Owner's Name Redacted)? I've talked to him before. He told me to come back when I was fourteen. I'm fourteen now.

Me: Ok. I look forward to working with you then.

TJGLK: I'm a very thorough worker.

Me: I bet.

TJGLK wanders over to the back issue bins. Another kid, maybe ten, is looking at the all ages shelf, asking his father questions, when his father said "Ask her over there."

TJGLK: "I am a him."

Exhausted Father: "I'm so sorry. People used to do that to me when I was young and had long hair."

​TJGLK: "It's cool. Misgendering doesn't bother me."
0 Comments

Inflight Safety Announcement: The Movie

2/13/2017

0 Comments

 
A frequent loiterer was wandering around the store doing his usual, pick up a book, flip through it, put it down in roughly the same place thing he does. He spends about five to ten minutes in the store, and then, on his way out, asks if the flyers and comics in the hallway, or the ones in a box that says "free" (usually promotional comics from Marvel or DC designed to tease you into buying their latest events), are actually free, and then he takes several.

Today, on his way out, he picked up a copy of The Sweet Green menu that my coworker brought in yesterday.

Freeloader: "What is this about?"

Me: "It's a menu."

F: "I see it's called The Menu, what is is about?"

Me: "It's about the type of food you can order from the salad place around the corner."

F: "In graphic novel form?"

Me: "No. It just happens to have a picture of salad and peppers on the front of it. It's just a menu."

F: "And you're giving them away?"

Me: "No. It's just a menu that I was looking at while I was thinking of what to order for lunch."

F: "You shouldn't keep it on the counter here. This counter is for free things."

I look at the counter where we keep the computer, the baseball cards, and usually a small pile of books that need to be filed or paperwork.

​Me: "I'll make a note."
0 Comments

Tiny Avalanche Of Compassion

2/13/2017

0 Comments

 
​How's my Monday going thusfar? Well, as I was carrying a fifty-six pound box of comics into the store and not one but two awnings full of ice and snow fell directly on my head and shoulders.

The delivery guy did shout out a warning as the first one started to go, but he'd only managed the "Lo--" of "Look out." before the first came crashing down. I shook it off and as I walked beneath the second one, it really did sound like he was saying "Oh shit" in slow motion.

​The woman walking toward me on the sidewalk said "You should be more careful." And I seriously considered dropping the box on her foot.
0 Comments

I Should Really Wear Headphones When I Go Out Shopping

2/12/2017

0 Comments

 
​Dude using a flat, wooden, spoon to eat from a 1.5 quart box of Dreyer's Rocky Road ice cream. "The trick is to stay cut, bro. I cut. I keep cut. I cut ties. I cut what I need to look this good. I cut my gym membership last year. I don't play football anymore, you know? And I looked at some Facebook pictures of me at that Fourth Of July thing at your sister's. I still got it. I still look good. Cut. That's the key, bro. Keep cut at all times."
​
So I hacked off his left arm with a pruning saw.
0 Comments

True Crime

2/6/2017

0 Comments

 
It's been an epically slow day. Partially due to a lack of foot traffic, partially due to a nosebleed that went on longer than a Law & Order marathon.

Five minutes before we closed, of course, an occasional loiterer came in. I warned him I was about to close, and worked on entering some paperwork.

When the time was up, he said "I noticed in Previews that there's a book called Evil Heroes. If it's coming out this week, I'd like to buy it."

"Well," I said, "there is an issue coming out on Wednesday, but it's spoken for. We only get one copy, and we have one subscriber. So I could order you one but it won't be in by Wednesday."

"Could I look at it?" he asked, it being five minutes past when I should have closed.

"Quickly, sure. But I can't sell it to you, and I have to close the store soon."

"Ok." he said.

I leafed through the pile of incoming comics, and handed him our lone copy. "Be careful of the table," I said, "it--"

And then he leaned full force on the table, knocking over every single book that comes out next week.

"Oh, this isn't what I thought it would be."

No apology. No acknowledgement that he'd just knocked hundreds of comics and books on the floor.

"I have to close. Now."

"I tend to only like indie comics these days. I'm not much of a mainstream guy."

"Interesting." I lied. "I have to close the store now and pick up all these books you knocked over."

"Ok. Are you reading any interesting indie books?" He asked, not moving toward the door.

"No." I said, pulling the door off of the magnet that keeps it open all day, and flipping the sign to Closed.

"Oh, you only like mainstream stuff."

"I only read True Crime stories. They speak to me. Anyway, I need to close. Have a night."

"Do you usually close this early?" He asked.

"Our hours are posted on the outside of the door. Bye."

"Oh ok." He said, walking into the hall. "I guess you really want to leave."

"Bye."
0 Comments

I'm Sure They Think My Cat's Name Is "Shut The Fuck Up"

2/2/2017

0 Comments

 
​The downstairs screamer is visiting again. She's been just talking loudly tonight. But I have been getting some cleaning done and when I burned my hand (not seriously it's not even red anymore), I screamed out "FUCK YOU!" way too loudly, considering the water was unlikely to react to my the tone of my voice.

From downstairs, I heard her say "See, everyone in this house screams sometimes."

To which I shouted back "I am not a good role model!"

​It's the first time I've heard laughter coming from down there.
0 Comments

Failed Matchmaker.Com

2/1/2017

0 Comments

 
Amazon: We noticed you put The Autobiography Of Mark Twain and Letters To The Earth in your cart, here are some related books we recommend: David Spade's "Almost Interesting", Colin Quinn's "The Coloring Book", and Colin Quinn's "Long Story Shot".
​
Me: How DARE you, Amazon. How fucken dare you.
0 Comments

    Categories

    All
    Asterisk
    Awkward Non Sexual Situations
    Awkward Sex Situations
    Beckee
    Being Gay
    Being Insafemode
    Ben
    Big Honken Liars
    Brookline And Qughincy
    Celeste
    Clarissa
    Comics
    Communication Problems
    Comrade
    Dad
    Dallas
    David
    Deaf Culture
    Dmitri
    Drugs
    Dude
    Elvis
    Emily
    Fledge
    Fortune Cookies
    Fucken Love
    Gay Sex
    Gender
    Hahvahd
    Hampshire Damn College
    Health Problems
    Holidays
    Horrible Pizza Place
    Im A Drunk
    Internet Dating
    Jackie
    Jbob
    Jennifer
    Jeremy
    Jim
    Kevin
    Kimberly Hyphen Surname
    Kimberly Hyphen-Surname
    Landlords
    Literature
    Mr Hpl
    My Family
    My Father
    My Mother
    Odd Jobs
    Online Dating
    Opening A Bottle Rocket With Your Teeth
    Pets
    Poetry
    Police
    Politics
    Quarantine Time
    Rainbortion
    Random Inanity
    Retail
    Roommates
    Ryan
    Saint
    School
    Scotts
    Sir Trick
    Slam
    Slow Flashes
    Sora
    Steggy
    Theatre
    The British Invasion
    The End Of The World
    The Loop
    The Numbers
    Theo
    The Slut Across The Street
    Tommy
    Trick
    Unharry
    Victor
    Wiz
    Zuzu


    Archives

    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    February 2011
    September 2010
    August 2010
    July 2010
    June 2010
    April 2010
    March 2010
    February 2010
    January 2010
    December 2009
    September 2009
    January 2009
    December 2008
    November 2008
    October 2008
    September 2008
    August 2008
    July 2008
    June 2008
    May 2008
    April 2008
    March 2008
    February 2008
    January 2008
    December 2007
    November 2007
    October 2007
    September 2007
    August 2007
    July 2007
    June 2007
    May 2007
    April 2007
    March 2007
    February 2007
    January 2007
    July 2006
    May 2006
    December 2005
    November 2005
    October 2005
    September 2005
    August 2005
    July 2005
    June 2005
    May 2005
    April 2005
    March 2005
    February 2005
    January 2005
    December 2004
    November 2004
    October 2004
    July 2004
    June 2004
    April 2004
    March 2004
    February 2004
    January 2004
    December 2003
    November 2003
    September 2003
    August 2003
    July 2003
    June 2003
    May 2003
    April 2003
    March 2003
    July 2002
    June 2002
    April 2002
    January 2002
    September 2001
    July 2001
    March 2001
    February 2001
    October 2000
    September 1999
    June 1999
    December 1998
    October 1998
    September 1998
    August 1998
    July 1998
    June 1998
    January 1998
    December 1997
    August 1997
    June 1996
    February 1996
    November 1995
    August 1995
    May 1994
    January 1994
    December 1993
    June 1993
    January 1993
    December 1992
    November 1991
    April 1991
    July 1990
    May 1990
    April 1990
    January 1990

    RSS Feed

      Need To Get In Touch With Me?

    Submit
Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • Tips From The Bar
  • Honest Conversation Is Overrated
  • Popcorn Culture
  • Comically Obsessed
  • Justify Your Bookshelves