Me: I'm so glad to not be in the hospital, so I'm not constantly having everything poking me, and being tested for everything.
My mother: Good morning. (Pulls out a sleeve of medical supplies) Time to test your blood pressure, blood sugar, pulse, and breathing rate.
Me: Oh, this is still happening.
My mother: This is definitely still happening.
According to my first nurse, she knew she was going to like me based on a story she heard from one of the med techs on the helicopter.
Apparently, when they asked me some questions trying to orient me, I massively failed to recognize what was happening around me.
The only think I kept saying (over the sound of the helicopter blades whirring) was "I fucken hate Goodnight Saigon!"
All week long, my very southern nurses have been asking me about my "wife and/or kids". I chose only to talk about my cats.
Tonight, nursing student Tank Handsome came in to get updated on my case:
Me: I am sorry. I don't remember meeting you.
TH: You were pretty wasted.
Me: I hope I wasn't too embarrassing.
TH: You were fairly naked.
Me: That's usually second date material.
TH: You were very aggressive for an unconscious guy.
I still got moves, even when I'm immobile.
At some point last week oh, I felt very ill. I thought I had the flu, I thought I had heart problems, I knew something was wrong but not what.
At some point my mother came to pick me up to take me in to see the doctor. I don't remember any of this part. At some point my mother was worried enough that she called and had me medivacced to the facility where I am now.
I did not arrive alive but was brought back and put in a medically-induced coma for five days. My first real memory after that was during the Super Bowl which seem really long and boring even for someone just getting out of a medically-induced coma. The next two days I barely remember. I have visions and an incorrect set of memories but then nothing until Tuesday which I remember as being the second worst day of my life.
Yesterday, I cried because I was able to stand with a walker. Today, I am allowed to eat real food again. Affirmations have never been my strength. I have just been downgraded from critical to...not critical? Which we all know is shit. I am, and always will be critical.
Now that I can use my phone again, I will post of my mundane new life. Today's favorite being the dietician who said she wasn't sure if toast would be healthy enough for breakfast, as she handed me a Rice Krispies Treat.