In a discussion with Phil and Tina about why there were piles of smashed, cut fruit all over the ground near a train station, I posited the following scenario.
"Edibles Arrangements, really? I said BRING EDIBLES, SHARON! ED - I - BLES. Not fucken flower-shaped fruit! This is why no one invites you to anything. FUCK."
Dude: "What's up, Jon Snow?"
Me: "Why are you calling me Jon Snow?"
Dude: "Because you died and came back. Am I the first person to call you that?"
Me: "But I didn't come back stupid, did I? Please don't tell me I'm turning into that level of moron."
Dude, whispering: "Oh no, he knows nothing."
Coworker: In the mirror universe, you can tell your evil doppelganger is evil by his goatee. But what if you're a woman?
Me: Same thing. But the goatee is lower.
Dude: "They have latex pillows now, which are kind of cool, but you have to make sure you're not allergic to them."
Me: "I'm not allergic to latex."
Dude: "Are you sure?"
Me: "I am So Sure."
Dude: "Do you use latex dishwashing gloves a lot?"
Me: "How are you not understanding this?"
Dude: "Oh. You have to use them when you evaluate old comics?"
Dude: "Then how do y--ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."
Random Dad: "Felix, why don't you ask the man who works here your question?"
Me: "How can I help you?"
Felix: "Where's mom?"
RD: "Not that question, buddy. The other one."
Felix: "When Ant-Man shrinks in size, doesn't he also shrink in mass? So shouldn't he explode like a black hole?"
RD: "Nope, your other question, Felix. The other one."
Felix: "Oh, do you have X-Men comics?"
Me: "I am way better equipped to answer that question."
I lead them over to the X-Men comics.
RD: "Felix why are you eating your shirt? Is it because Timmy eats his shirt? Mommy doesn't eat her shirt. Does daddy eat his shirt?"
RD: "Then why are you eating your shirt."
Felix: "Tastes good."
RD's phone rings. He steps out into the hallway. "Hello. Who is this? Speaking. Oh, hi. business business blah blah blah business business blah..."
Felix, half of his shirt stuffed in his mouth, goes muffled screaming out the door and up the stairs.
RD: "business busin--"
Me: "Sir, your son is..." I point up the stairs.
And they both run full speed across the windows. The dad did catch Felix at the far window.
Not So Random Loiterer, to my coworker: "God and I ain't seeing eye to eye right now. We're two weeks into May, and it keeps raining. I thought it would have let up by now. I don't want to piss off God, cause I'm broke right now, and he doesn't appreciate sarcasm. So, it's just like the saying goes Life Sucks And Then You Die....anyway, Happy Birthday."
If Boston realtors worked at hardware stores:
Me: "Hi. I saw in your circular that you have stepladders for sale for $50."
Boston Realtor: "Oh, I'm sorry. We don't actually have $50 stepladders, if you'd read the fine print, you'd have seen that it says 'stepladders may no longer be available'. I actually haven't seen a $50 stepladder in over ten years."
Me: "But there were pictures. In a flyer YOU gave me. Yesterday."
BR: "I have this $700 executive ladder. It's thirteen feet high, and painted blue. One of the legs is shorter than the other, but that's just the way the economy is right now."
Me: "How much is your cheapest stepladder?"
BR: "I have this phone book with half its pages torn out. You could stand on that. It's $160. Also, it was sprayed by a skunk about an hour ago."
Me: "How about a stepladder? How much is your cheapest one?"
BR: "This half broken milk crate is only $300. I, personally, know it's not safe enough to step on to reach anything, but it might be just the thing for you."
Me: "A stepladder. How much would a stepladder cost? I don't want a broken milk crate or a half-torn phonebook. A stepladder."
BR: "I'm seeing....based on the fact that you have one full time and one part time job that, combined, equals twice what we're asking for a $400 stepladder...that the person who owns the hardware store doesn't think you can afford it."
Me: "I have the money right here. Plus no debt, and excellent credit."
BR: "Yea, but this hardware store owner blows all their money on cocaine and lawyer fees, stemming from all the lawsuits from all the people who've fallen off our cheaply constructed stepladders, so they're very cautious with people. It's easier to just sell stepladders to students with rich parents. You just aren't what the hardware store owner is looking for."
Me: "But I have the money, which is eight times the amount of the stepladder YOU advertised in the flyer."
BR: "Have you considered sharing a stepladder with four of five people at a time?"
Me: "Yes. That seems uncomfortable, and would lead the stepladder to break pretty quickly."
BR: "Oh, it's already broken. But if four of you go in on this stepladder that's missing all the steps, except for the one that says Don't Stand On This Step, then it will only be twice as much as I originally told you."
Me: "I'm going to go to another hardware store. There's one down the street that advertised a $75 stepladder."
Calls the other hardware store. Seven people are loudly talking in the background.
Other Boston Realtor: "HI. ARE YOU *****STATIC***** STEPLADDERS?"
Me: "Yes, I'm responding to your--"
OBR: "YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP. I'M TOTALLY LEGITIMATELY A HARDWARE STORE IN BOSTON. AND I HAVE MANY STEPLADDERS."
Me: "Ok. I'm just looking to buy a stepladder in Somerville. I saw you have some advertised for $75."
OBR: "WHERE IS SOMERVILLE? IS THAT, LIKE, NEAR FENWAY PARK? I HAVE A NICE $500 FOOT STOOL ONLY THREE MILES FROM FENWAY."
Random Loiterer #1: "Oh, cool. Spider-Man."
Random Loiterer #2: "Yea, that one has Tarantula in it."
RL 1 throws the book to the floor. "AHHH! Why?"
RL 2: "It's a Spider-Man book, and Tarantula is a Spider-Man villain."
RL 1: "OH! I thought you said it has TARANTULAS in it. Like free with purchase or something."
RL 2: "You have to be my stupidest friend."