It is with a heavy heart, and an even heavier fist that I must announce that Comrade and I are breaking up.*
No, there was no theft of organs, no pretending one of his parents was dead when they were really alive, no hot positive loads of cheating. Nay.
I think you will all agree that, in The Year Of The Shitlord 2021, nobody should be subjected to repeated performances of "Winter Wonderland" in the style of Fred Schneider from The B-52s. I had to draw the line somewhere.
* - We're not breaking up.
This Lyft driver is strongly hinting that I should use his services to rob a bank or commit a murderer. Like, guy, I barely have it together enough to order dinner tonight, there is zero chance I have the wherewithal to organize a crime with you.
I just heard someone describe System Of A Down as "Ye Olde Rocke", and now I have to get a colonoscopy and start clipping coupons.
Spotify: Hey Adam, we've made a mix for you of new music from up and coming artists.
Me: Ok. Sure. Bring it.
Spotify: Have you heard of Death Cab For Cutie? The Cure? Modest Mouse?
Spotify: NEW MUSIC from UP AND COMING ARTISTS.
Me: Crooked Teeth came out fifteen years ago, Spotify. It is not "new music".
Spotify: I AM STILL A RELEVANT WAY TO FIND NEW MUSIC.
Me: This is The Shins, Spotify. They've been around for about thirty years.
Spotify: OK. OK. But have you heard of this new band THE WHITE STRIPES. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
Random Loiterer hears beginning of Star Wars music.
RL: "Ack! I haven't seen it yet. Could you turn it off? I'm trying not to have it spoiled."
Me: "I'm sorry but if you haven't seen Return Of The Jedi by now, I can not be held responsible."
RL: "This isn't The Mandalorian."
Me: "No. That's Darth Vader."
RL: "And Darth Vader isn't in The Mandalorian?"
Me: "HAVE you seen Return Of The Jedi? Because I feel like that should answer your question."
RL: "I don't even like Star Wars."
Two-thirty AM is a terrible time for your partner to discover they can do a pitch perfect Miss Piggy impersonation.
I was already in a bad mood because the appointment to get my stent removed was postponed but nobody told me, so I got up early, hopped on the bus, and went to the hospital, only to be told to come back Friday. The two other people in line at the same time had similar problems, so I'm a bit leary of this being my regular medical facility.
But I walked back to the bus stop, and had been waiting a little more than a minute, texting Comrade, when One Of Those Things That Always Happens To Me Happened.
Random Doofus: "Hey. What time does your phone say the bus is coming?"
Me: "Oh, I don't know. I'm texting with someone, not looking at the app. They come every ten minutes or so, though."
RD: "My phone says it's going to be twenty-two minutes."
Me: "Huh. That doesn't seem right."
RD: "I know, right? I'm from New York." Fuck you fuck you fuck you. There are many people from New York who I like, but none of them introduce the fact that they're from New York within a minute of conversation. Same with Texans, and Harvard students, the earlier you mention it, the more Everyone Else From That Place definitely hates you. "New York, the bus comes when it's supposed to come. It's their jobs. The drivers here, you know? I love them, but come on? It's cold. If you say you're going to be there, be there."
RDFNY: "Twenty-two minutes is too long. I could walk to Davis and back by then. You know?"
RDFNY: "How long have you been waiting?"
Me: "I just got here."
RDFNY: "Do you think it's going to be twenty-two minutes until it gets here, or is there something wrong with the app. In New York, the apps are always perfectly timed. You know exactly when a bus is coming, you know? None of this Boston guesswork."
I am impressed that this man is making me hate the MBTA much less than usual. And New York even more than usual.
RDFNY: "Do you know what time it is?"
Fucker, you HAVE a phone. You KNOW what time it is. "About ten."
RDFNY: "Almost ten. I could walk to Davis before the bus gets here. You know sometimes they don't even stop, they just zooooooooooooom past you. That never happens in New York."
I focus on my phone, reading Facebook statuses and turning away from RDFNY.
RDFNY: "Well, ok. Ok. I guess I'm going to walk to Davis then, you know? Think that's a good idea?"
RDFNY exhales, loudly. "Ok. Well have a good night. Or I guess a good day or whatever. Good luck with the bus. It's freezing."
About a minute after he leaves, the bus shows up. I get on, take my seat, and when the bus passes RDFNY, I wave. He can't see behind my mask, but I am very much smiling.
I spent 50 of the first 96 hours at the beginning of the month in the hospital battling Kidey Stones, and losing.
How would I describe my pain level?
A constant 2016, with occasional stabbing 2020s.
Favorite moments in the hospital include:
1.) Being constantly asked the same questions over and over. Yes, this is my name, yes this is my birthday, here is where the pain is, no I don't smoke, no I don't do "street drugs", no I don't smoke pot, no I don't drink (not since the Pandemic started), yes I feel safe at home, no my partner isn't abusive, yes I live in a house (weird order, right?), no I don't have any piercings, no I don't have any dentures, no I don't have any steel plates in my head or anywhere else in my body, no I've never had surgery before (again, you'd think saying no to this would rid the need for previouis questions), no I don't have most of this very long list of Covid symptoms but I have some because why else would I be here if I didn't either have pain vomiting nausea loss of a sense or am "not feeling well".
There were more questions that I'm forgetting, even though someone would ask me, write it all down, and then the person standing next to them would ask me the exact same set of questions again.
When I was readmitted to the non-Emergency floor, I was assigned the very same nurse and doctor who had admitted me on Tuesday, and they asked me the same questions. EXCEPT the nurse, specifically asked "do you have any bruises you received from your spouse?" I looked at my arm and said "Actually, right here I --- oh WAIT, YOU DID THIS TO ME."
She didn't find this funny but the doctor laugher her ass off.
(It's really not a bad hematoma, and is roughly 1/20th the size of the smallest one I had in Florida.)
2.) SEVEN TIMES someone pointed out that my last name was ironic and asked if anyone else had made that connection.
3.) The OR nurse losing her shit when the Anesthesiologist asked me "Have you ever been under anesthesia before?" and I answered "Does spending a week in an induced coma count?" "IS THAT HOW YOU SPEND YOUR VACATIONS, BOY, SWIMMING IN HOT TUBS UNTIL YOU COMA? I WANT TO PARTY WITH YOU!"
4.) I ended up in the same hospital room both times. I had it to myself for most of the first visit, with a brief interlude where A Definite Trump Voter with Dementia (which is a condidion you sort of need to have to be that fucken stupid) couldn't answer what year it is, but kept going on and on about how he'd built the biggest business in Billerica. Starting his company with just the money in his pocket and retiring when there were twelve employees.
SPOILER ALERT: There are many businesses in Billerica with more than twelve employees.
5.) For the duration of my second visit, I had an Iranian roommate who spoke reasonably good English but would ask for a translator when he didn't like a particular nurse. Also, whenever a nurse annoyed him he would let loose a series of comically loud, incredibly toxic farts. He was in the hospital for leg surgery, so the farts were clearly a warfare tactic, and not just a side effect of a particular food or medication. He also never farted, that I can tell, except when being annoyed by nurses.
6.) The pharmacy tech at the hospital who said "This perscription is for $50 worth of painkillers."
I nodded. "Yea, but they say I'm going to need them."
"You can get this exact medicine for $7 at CVS or Walgreen's. Whoever wrote you that prescription was not your friend."
She was right. And awesome.
It took about forty-five minutes to pick up the moving truck but all the stress was consumed by other customers. We just coasted until our truck was ready.
Coworker: At least it's a nice day to move.
After three bookcases/shelving units, and a dozen or so boxes, we pick up the last heavy bookcase.
That's when the hail started.
Saturday, 3pm, Me: I ordered a set of bookcases from you a couple of weeks ago, and was told they'd be delivered on Friday. I know the various delivery services are running behind right now, but when I tried to check the status of my order, I noticed it had gone from "out for delivery" to "out of stock". If it's just going to be a few more days before the bookcases arrive, that's not a problem. I'm happy to wait a bit. But if they are out of stock, I don't really want to wait a month or so for them, and would rather have my money refunded. Please let me know the current status.
Tuesday, 6am, Natasha: Thank you for your email regarding your recent order. I apologize for the difficulty you are experiencing with the order. I have forwarded your email to a specialized representative who will be able to assist you with this issue. Please allow 3-4 business days for this representative to research and contact you with a resolution. We look forward to resolving your concern in a timely manner. If I may be of further assistance please let me know and I will be happy to help.
Tuesday, 4pm, Clark: I’m sorry to hear the tracking information has not been updated. Your order shows shipped on 11/18/2020. Usually, the tracking information is updated within 24-48 hours from the shipping date. Since there have been no updates, I am sending a message to our warehouse to have this looked into. We should hear back from them in the next 1-4 business days and will follow up with you when we receive a response. If we are unable to update tracking information by then, we will process a Refund.
Tuesday, 5pm, Sophia: I’m sorry to hear you were unable to track your purchase. We’re currently working to get this sorted for you. We’ve reached out to our Partner to look into this issue and should receive an update within 24 hours. In the case we’re unable to locate the original order, we’ll issue a complete refund for the order. Thank you for your good thought be happy.
Wednesday, 3pm, Silverstri: We’ve reached out to our Partner to look into this issue and should receive an update via mail.
Thursday, 12pm, Axel: I’d like to apologize for the delay in delivery.
We received an update from our partner stating that because of the increase in orders and the impact of COVID-19, Carriers have a large backlog of packages now. Some orders may be delayed 3-8 days before the first scan. This also depends on the level of Carriers' capacity. Please be assured your package will arrive by Saturday 11/28. We are sorry for the inconvenience.
Thursday, 12:30pm, Troy: Adam, I am here to help you on the item you never received. Since there is no updates on the item. I would go ahead and complete the return for refund and the refund will be credited back to the original form of payment. If in case you do not see the refund, please contact your bank for refund posting timeframe.
Thursday, 1:15pm, Jasper: We have contact with out partner, and are told the item should arrive between Friday 11/27 and Sunday 11/29. We appreciate your patience.
Thursday, 1:33pm, Alfred: Since there is no updates on the item. I would go ahead and complete the return for refund and the refund will be credited back to the original form of payment. If in case you do not see the refund, please contact your bank for refund posting timeframe.
Please note, I have sent only one response since my intial inquiry, and it was to thank them for getting back to me. I now have No Idea whether I'm actually getting the bookcases, the refund, neither, or both.
Updated: On Friday, I received a full refund for all shelves.
On Saturday, the shelves arrived.