Because of Labor Day, my schedule is a little off, so I decide to make up the New Release Board today, but because it is somewhat busy, and I am by myself, instead of doing it over by the back issues, I clear off the counter and do it by the register.
A Random Loiterer comes up just as I've written down the month, and leans on the board, smudging the date that I just finished writing.
Me: "Please don't lean or put anything on the counter. I'm writing on this, and I don't want to have to start over later."
RL: "Of course."
He wanders around the store a bit, grabs a Humanoid book (which are the few books that don't have prices on them), plops it on the words I have just finished writing and asks "How much is this?"
Me: "29.99. Could you please not touch this board I'm writing on? This is the second time I've had to redo something because you put your book or your arm on something I just finished writing."
RL: "Of course."
He puts the book down, wanders around the store for five minutes, picks up another book, and walks toward the counter, putting the boo--
Me: "DON'T PUT YOUR BOOK ON THE BOARD."
--k in the middle of the board, smudging the entire thing.
RL: "Sorry. How much is this?"
Me: "A Thousand Dollars."
Me: "Really. Forty dollars for the book, nine hundred and sixty dollars because this is the third time I've had to start this over. Don't. Touch. The. Counter. Don't. Put. Your. Books. On. The. Board."
RL: "Sorry. I didn't know."
Actual Customer: "Dude, he told you at least three times."
RL: "I guess I wasn't listening."
Me: "Well, as long as you don't put anything on my board again, I'll discount the book back to $39.99"
RL: "Oh, I don't have any money with me. I'm just making my Christmas list."
He leaves, leaving the book on the board.
I wait until I see him walk by the window before saying "You get nothing you Naughty List Dwelling Motherfucker."
AC collapses with laughter into shelf, knocking over a Batwoman Action Figure.
AC: "Oh shit. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Me: "It's cool. That was clearly an accident, and partially my fault. You're still on the Nice List."
AC: "That's not what my girlfriend's going to say if I come home with this book."
Last night, a woman who, last year, bought a ton of books I recommended for her children, came back with her sister, hoping I could recommend a new swath of books.
They picked up Brave, the Olympians books, some Marvel Star Wars, and Wrinkle In Time. I suggested, if they could find it, to pick up Princeless Volume one, and went back to some computer work.
Nice Customer: "Anything else we're missing?"
NC: "They're a little old for Archie."
Me: "A few years ago, I would have agreed with you, but the new stuff isn't all malt shops and sock hops. And instead of the trope of a doofus guy who women are fighting over, Archie and Betty have been dating since they were really in their single digits, and they break up at the beginning of the book, just as Veronica moves in."
NC: "So it has a backstory. That's interesting, I guess."
Me: "It's also cool because, unlike the old series, the new one has consequences."
NC, somewhat sarcastically: "What kind of consequences? Their parents take their phones away?"
Me, somewhat too intensely: "No. Betty is in a WHEELCHAIR now."
NC: "That sounds a bit much. What's this BIg Nate book about?"
Me: "Wedgies and basketball."
NC: "That sounds better."
Random Loiterer: "Where do you keep your Independent books?"
I guide him to the appropriate section.
RL: "Which of these are used?"
Me: "None of them. We have some used back issue comics, but no used graphic novel section."
RL: "Who in the area does?"
Me: "The Harvard Book Store, but most of their used graphic novels are DC and Marvel."
RL: "I've been there. They have nothing."
Me: "That's the only place. Sorry."
RL: "I just hate paying full price for things."
Me: "Life must be very challenging for you."
Two twelve or thirteenish year old twins (with wildly different hair, so it took me a few minutes to notice) came in.
Twin #1: I have a question. It has stumped all other comic book store people. But I have faith in you.
Me: I hope I don't disappoint you.
Twin #1: Do you know what Flash issues Godspeed appears in?
I go over to my computer, and type Godspeed into Wikipedia.
Me: Yea, this one here. Lightning Strikes Twice.
Twin #1: YES!!!!
Twin #2: THEY HAVE WORLD WAR HULK!!!
(Legitimately, I've never heard anyone muster even 1/10th that enthusiasm for World War Hulk.)
Twin #1: Our mom is coming in with money soon.
I put books away for a bit.
Mom: You Both found the books you wanted. That's a first.
Twin #1: He knew right away.
Mom: Now the question is, do you have enough money in your account to buy it?
Twin #1: I think so.
Mom: Hmmm. You only have seven dollars in your account, and you owe me three from yesterday.
Twin #1: Oh. This is $17.99
Twin #2: I'll buy it for you.
Mom: You....oh wow, you have more than enough money
The twins turn towards each other, furiously embrace, and jump up and down.
Twin #1: Thank you thank you thank you thank you.
Twin #2: You're welcome you're welcome you're welcome.
Mom: Wow. Someone must have bought something from your store. There's another ten dollars in your account now.
Twin #1: Today is amazing!
Harvard Frosh: "I don't know how to feel about all this Nazi fetish porn."
Spoiler alert: We do not, nor have we, in the time I've been here, EVER had Nazi fetish porn.
Other Harvard Frosh: "What are you talking about?"
HF: "Like, if she's really hot. And the purpose of the porn is that Nazis are bad, is it ok?"
HF: "I mean really hot."
OHF: "You're a moron."
HF: "Not ok, then?"
HF: "But, like, Really Hot. And definitely the villain."
OHF: "I'm requesting a new roommate as soon as we get back on campus."
Dude Who Came In Earlier Trying To Convince Me And My Coworker That Our Owner Needed To Go Into Business With Him So He Could Make Millions Selling Toys Online Which Would Be Cool I Guess If We Had More Than A Handful Of Toys To Sell: "Did I leave my keys here?"
Me: "No. Sorry."
Dude: "Can you give me the building manager's number?"
Me: "I don't know it."
Dude: "What about the guy who locks the building at night."
Me: "That's me."
Dude: "Ok. What's the manager of the phone store's number?"
Me: "I have no idea. They're closed?"
Dude: "Yeeeeeeea. The lights are off. I think I left my keys on the counter up there."
Me: "That sucks. But I'm sorry, I don't have any contact numbers for them."
Dude: "Who do you call when you don't have keys and have to get into the building?"
Me: "A coworker here. Or I wait for another business to open. I never have to open before one of the ther businesses open, so I've never needed any of their numbers. Sorry."
Dude: "Can you call them, then?"
Me: "I don't have their numbers. I don't even know any of their names."
Dude: "I am so fucked."
Me: "Are those your keys hanging off your belt?"
As he walks up the stairs, he mutters "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I need a nap."
1.) This toaster is So Glitchy. The timer on it doesn't work. If this keeps up, I'm going to need to get a new one.
2.) This toaster is obviously broken, and I am not going to be able to toast anything until I buy a new one.
3.) I could just not eat anything that requires a toaster for a while, and just use the stove.
4.) I wonder if Selina killed it with her weird fascination, or if she was fascinated by it because it's slowly falling apart.
5.) I can't believe how long I've been thinking about this toaster without first checking to see if it was plugged in.
I arrived at home to find police officers standing in the hallway of my apartment.
Police Officer #1: Hi. We're here for your cats.
Officer #1: The owner, Miss (Redacted) contacted us. She says that she asked you to watch her cats but that, now that she has her own place, you are refusing to return the cats to her.
Me: Who? I've had these cats for almost a decade. I can call the owner of the pet store I got them from right now. I swear, I've never heard of Miss (Redacted) before in my life.
Officer #2: Are you (Name Redacted) in Apartment #2?
Me: No. I live in Apartment #3.
Officer #2: Sorry. Give your cats an extra scratch. And be glad there's no disputed ownership.
Officer #1: It's as bad as actual custody battles sometimes.
Officer #2: All the time.
"You know that guy who works at the hardware store? He was on the phone with someone, and he was saying a bunch of Pro-Trump stuff, so I sort of tuned him out. And then I heard him say 'You're going to abandon me for being pro-Trump? After I stuck with you through your whole child pornography situation?' I have to know that now. I have to know that this guy isn't just a Trump voter, but that he's a long time supporter of a child pornographer. And you know that everyone who works with him knows both of those things."
An evergreen truth of comic book retail seems to be that the first customer on a Monday morning will be very lonely and want to talk to you about every possible subject that pops into their head.
So, this morning, just after I put up the My Friend Dahmer poster, the guy says "You know. I know he was nuts, and everything. But people forget that he grew up gay in a very religious household in the sixties. That will mess anybody up."
I Spock-eyed him. (Rock-eyed him?) "I know a lot of people who grew up gay in the sixties. They do have a lot of issues/ But none of them spent the nineties raping and murdering teenagers."
"I mean, you'd like to think that. But do you know? Y'know?"
"YES. I KNOW." ended the conversation, until he started yammering about Strong Female Protagonist, which, surprisingly, he didn't say anything remotely problematic about.