The Crooked Treehouse
  • Tips From The Bar
  • Honest Conversation Is Overrated
  • Popcorn Culture
  • Comically Obsessed
  • Justify Your Bookshelves
  • Tips From The Bar
  • Honest Conversation Is Overrated
  • Popcorn Culture
  • Comically Obsessed
  • Justify Your Bookshelves

Honest Conversation Is Overrated

Actual Human Interactions Witnessed Or Overheard
In  Twentieth  And  Twenty-First  Century  America

I'm Pretty Sure This Is What The Ferry Captain Meant To Say

8/31/2019

0 Comments

 
Attention Passengers: There is a black BMW with New York plates whose alarm is going off on the vehicle deck. Please return your car, and drive it into the ocean. Thank you.
0 Comments

Freudian Eyeslip

8/30/2019

0 Comments

 
I just misread the Hippocrates quote: "Before you heal someone, ask them if they're willing to give up the things that made them sick."  as  "Before you heal someone, ask them if they're willing to give up the things that made them suck."
​
I think these are equally valid approaches.
0 Comments

In Your Dreams

8/26/2019

0 Comments

 
I​n the midst of working on a playlist, I hear a familiar sound coming from the living room.

Selina: "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING!!!"

Me: "Shut up, Selina."

Quietly, Selina: "good morning?"

Me: "Go back to sleep."

After a brief pause, she hops on to the bed, and stands next to my head.

Me: "Can I help you."

Selina: "My muffew."

Me: "Whatever you say."

Selina: "My muffew."

Me: "Sure."

She drops the remnants of the ball, which Motherfucker mostly destroyed earlier in the week, next to my head.

Selina: "Play with me?"

Me: "Lay down."

Selina: "Play with me?"

Me: "Lay. Down."

Selina: "Play. With. Me?"

Me: "Goodnight, cat."

Selina: "I will pee in your dreams."

Me: "What?"

Selina: "You heard me."

Me: "Do you mean you will pee on me while I'm sleeping? Will you Freddy Kreuger me by peeing on something that is literally in my dreams? Or do you mean you will pee on my hopes and ambitions?"

Seina: "Yes."

Me: "That is hardcore."

I throw the remnant of the ball into the living room. She runs after it, occasionally meowing. Quietly.
0 Comments

Another Glorious Night In Mental Square

8/22/2019

0 Comments

 
What's America like in 2019? people from the future may ask.

It's a bunch of things. Here is my last night from a non-poetry perspective.

Near the end of the night, I overserved someone. I recognized they'd reached cut-off point, and then someone bought a drink that I assumed they were buying for themselves, but they were buying for the inebriated person. This happened twice.

Bearing the responsibilty for this person, I followed them outside, where they appeared to be doing ok (update: they were totally fine, and are totally fine now). I was about to head back inside when they were approached by someone I thought looked like a sleazebag. Mainly because they were hanging outside of the 7-11 in Central Square around midnight. The city has a lot of homeless. Central Square has a lot of homeless. Homeless people are not sleazebags. But the 7-11 is a magnet for rapists, thieves, and scammers who need you to donate money to a school they are opening up on another continent. Sleazebags,

I made my way toward their conversation, and it was harmless. The guy was trying to bum a smoke, which is totally reasonable behavior.

The person I overserved gave them a cigarette, lit it, and went about their way. But before I could leave the guy asked where I was going, and I said "Back to work."

Sleazebag #1: "Not me, man. No more work for me tonight. I'm going to hit up some bar."

Me: "Cool. Have a good night."

S1: "I'm going to pick up some bitches at that bar over there." He points to The Cantab. "Mabe some rich bitch will take me home."

"There are no bitches there." I said. "You should go to Tavern." (They're better staffed to kick out a drunk, misogynist sleazebag.)

He laughed.

I went back to work.

Work was fine. I was ready to leave when I got a text that someone had left their backpack behind, and it had their keys in it. So I went to kill time at the 7-11 while I waited for them to get back.

While I was deciding which overly sugared American drink to get, a Very Drunk Individual waved a can of Chef Boyardee at me and made indistinguishable noises.

"I don't know man." was all I could think of to say.

He moaned at me in a threatening manner and went outside.

There is a particular late night employee at that 7-11 that I always view as a Sloth (no, not a Goonies reference, just a very slow moving dude who probably eats lots of plants). Sloth practically ran outside, and I realized that moaning guy had shoplifted the Chef Boyardee.

I put my not important sort of groceries on the counter, bar code up, waiting for him to get back. I had time to kill. It was fine.

Sloth came back in, still moving faster than I'd ever seen him. He picked up the phone behind the counter and called the cops. "I am at the 7-11 in Central Square, and we have a shoplifter who--"

And then Moany Sleazebag came back in. "YOU MIND YOUR BUSINESS!!!" He slurred. "NOSEY. SO NOSEY. WHY ARE YOU BEING NOSEY MAN? I JUST WANT MY. I JUST WANT MY WHATEVER THIS IS. BUT YOU GOTTA BE NOSEY."

"He's in the store yelling at me." the 7-11 employee said.

"NOSEY DAMNED FOREIGNER. TRYING TO. TRYING TO GET ME IN TROUBLE WITH HIS DAMNED NOSE. I'M GONNA CALL ICE ON YOU."

And this sack of shoplifting MAGA hat took out his phone and called 911 and asked for Immigration.

The cops arrived pretty quickly while this guy was yelling about ICE to a 911 operator. Prompting more cops to show up.

While I paid for my not important purchase, MAGA sleaze was yelling "DAMN NOSEY FOREGNERS COME TO OUR COUNTY. DON'T WANT TO SELL ME MY. MY DINNER OR WHATEVER. TOLD ME I COULDN'T HAVE IT. NOT EVEN FROM THIS COUNTRY. TELLING ME HOW TO EAT."

(None of that ever happened.)

"SHOW HIM. GET THEM. GET THEM ICE GUYS. SEND HIM BACK TO AFRICA. WHEREVER HE'S FROM."

(I would be remiss to point out that this paradigm of social decay was not a White Dude, and may have spent some time deflecting "back to Africa" comments from other MAGA turds.)

"YOU SHOULD. YOU SHOULD TAKE HIM AWAY TO AFRICA RIGHT NOW. LET ME EAT MY DAMN DINNER IN PEACE."

I had to get out. In this particular instance, at least, the police were very aware that this was a drunk shoplifter with possible mental issues (apart from being stupid enough to buy into racist bullshit). They also knew the 7-11 guy, and were just letting him do his work.

Outside, a woman approached me. "Young Man!"

No good will come of this.

"Young Man, do you--"

Another police SUV pulled up to the curb. Making four, total.

"Nevermind. You have a good night Young Man. I'm getting the fuck outta this noise."

"That bitch wanted more than your phone number." said Sleazebag 1 from earlier. He was standing in The Bar doorway. "I'm bouncing, too. Too many pigs"

And Then He Fucken Skipped Past The Police Officers who, of course, stopped him. Because one can not non-chalantly skip. Anyone trying to avoid police by skipping is too stupid to be on the streets alone.

So now there are four cops in the 7-11, two detaining Skippy The Wonder Sleaze, and two lightly nudging a homeless guy who had been passed out in front of the 7-11 for hours.

The Bar's "bouncer" came out.

CB: "Where did that guy go."

I pointed at Skippy and the police.

CB: "Ok. Good. Why are there so many ---" he gestured at the police SUVs.

"There was a shoplifter at the 7-11, and --"

He gestured at the 7-11. "Always something going on here. That's why they call this Mentalist Square."

I wondered about the populace of psychics and hypnotizers in the immediate area, and then realized what he was trying to say.
0 Comments

She Had Her Ovaries Scooped Out, But My Cat Still Has Balls

8/20/2019

0 Comments

 
​Me, at 11:00: "I am very tired, Selina. Can you not wake me up at any point tonight?"

Selina: "Of course, I am also very tired. That is why I am lying on my back on the windowsill."

Me: "Cool, good night."

Selina at 1AM: "I FOUND ANOTHER BALL!!!! IT WAS ON THE FLOOR WHERE I LEFT IT YESTERDAY!!!! WATCH ME PLAY WITH IT!!!!"

Me: "GO. AWAY."

I close the door.

Selina at 2AM: "LET ME INTO THE ROOM!!!! I CAN'T FIND THE BALL ANYMORE!!! DO YOU HAVE IT??? IS IT .... NEVERMIND, I FOUND THE BALL AGAIN!!!! IT WAS HERE THE WHOLE TIME!!!!"

At some point, I got up, went to the bathroom, and left the door open.

Selina at 330AM: "GUESS WHAT I FOUND? I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT, IT'S ROUND AND AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

MF Goose, hopping on to the bed: "You'll have to excuse me. I couldn't listen to that cat for another second. I have brought you the ball. Would you please be so kind as to put it somewhere Selina won't find it? Thank you, and good night." She curls up next to me and goes to sleep.
0 Comments

Yea, Well You're Banned From My Big Space

8/18/2019

0 Comments

 
​Me: "I'm sure you've seen all the articles about the resurgency of torrenting in the wake of the multiple streaming services being launched."

Dr. Mo: "Yea, they don't realize that they're not competing with each other, they're competing with The Pirate Bay. There's a threshold for the amount of money people can afford to pay for television and movies, and we're way past it now."

Me: "And I've spent most of my money supporting the book industry."

Dr. Mo: "Supporting it? Look around, Adam, You're The Face Of Big Book."

Me: "I'm sorry, I have to close the store now and go re-evaluate my life."
0 Comments

Technologic

8/12/2019

0 Comments

 
I'm playing my Daft Punk mix in the store, and a guy just chased his girlfriend around the store, speaking along to "Technologic", while she just kept asking questions "Why are you doing this? How do you know the words? What is this? Can you stop?"
​
He smiled as he chased her out of the store. They left without buying anything, but I was, at least, amused.
0 Comments

F Stop

8/12/2019

0 Comments

 
I just accidentally frightened everyone in the store when the phone rang.

Scammer: "I need to speak to whoever handles your electric account."

Me: "Fuck. You."

Entire store turns towards me.

Me: "It was one of those phoney electric company scam calls."

Relieved Customer #1: "Oh my god, I get those calls, like, three times a day. I hate them."

Relieved Customer #2: "Yea, I know not to answer a call from a number I don't know, but I'm just afraid I'll miss an important call."

Me: "Well, our phone is from ... 1991 ? So it *had* a caller ID screen but it doesn't work anymore."

RC 1: "So you have to answer the phone every time?"

Random Customer #3: "Do you get hazard pay for that?"
​
RC 2: "It sounded like he had the situation well in hand."
0 Comments

The Kids Are Okay

8/12/2019

0 Comments

 
​Random Customer, upon purchasing a couple of back issues: "The demise of Mad Magazine has to be the saddest news of the year."

Completely Correct Teenage Daughter: "Really, Dad? The saddest news of THIS year? I want you to think about that. Because if that's your opinion, I'm never talking to you again."

RC: "The saddest publishing news."

CCTD: "No. The saddest publishing news is that the media is filled with a bunch of Nazi-enabling cowards."

​The rest of the transaction took place in Absolute Silence.
0 Comments

Byeeeeeeeeeeee! Lawwwwwwwwwwwwv Yuuuuuuuuuu!!!!

8/8/2019

0 Comments

 
If you are going to stand outside my window at 7AM, loudly and slowly delivering a five minute soliloquy about how great your kids are for cleaning their rooms, and there are no kids anywhere near you, giving off the impression that you are either practicing your speech, or else you are standing right next to my bedroom window, making a phone call, and you feel the need to pre.cise.lee. are.tick.you.late "Lawwwwwwwwwwwwv. Yuuuuuuu. Buy-eeeeeeeeee." Then I am going to sarcastically, loudly ,and precisely, say "Buy-eeeeee. Lawwwwwwwwwwwv. Yuuuuuuuuuuuuu." right back.
0 Comments
<<Previous

    Categories

    All
    Asterisk
    Awkward Non Sexual Situations
    Awkward Sex Situations
    Beckee
    Being Gay
    Being Insafemode
    Ben
    Big Honken Liars
    Brookline And Qughincy
    Celeste
    Clarissa
    Comics
    Communication Problems
    Comrade
    Dad
    Dallas
    David
    Deaf Culture
    Dmitri
    Drugs
    Dude
    Elvis
    Emily
    Fledge
    Fortune Cookies
    Fucken Love
    Gay Sex
    Gender
    Hahvahd
    Hampshire Damn College
    Health Problems
    Holidays
    Horrible Pizza Place
    Im A Drunk
    Internet Dating
    Jackie
    Jbob
    Jennifer
    Jeremy
    Jim
    Kevin
    Kimberly Hyphen Surname
    Kimberly Hyphen-Surname
    Landlords
    Literature
    Mr Hpl
    My Family
    My Father
    My Mother
    Odd Jobs
    Online Dating
    Opening A Bottle Rocket With Your Teeth
    Pets
    Poetry
    Police
    Politics
    Quarantine Time
    Rainbortion
    Random Inanity
    Retail
    Roommates
    Ryan
    Saint
    School
    Scotts
    Sir Trick
    Slam
    Slow Flashes
    Sora
    Steggy
    Theatre
    The British Invasion
    The End Of The World
    The Loop
    The Numbers
    Theo
    The Slut Across The Street
    Tommy
    Trick
    Unharry
    Victor
    Wiz
    Zuzu


    Archives

    October 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    February 2011
    September 2010
    August 2010
    July 2010
    June 2010
    April 2010
    March 2010
    February 2010
    January 2010
    December 2009
    September 2009
    January 2009
    December 2008
    November 2008
    October 2008
    September 2008
    August 2008
    July 2008
    June 2008
    May 2008
    April 2008
    March 2008
    February 2008
    January 2008
    December 2007
    November 2007
    October 2007
    September 2007
    August 2007
    July 2007
    June 2007
    May 2007
    April 2007
    March 2007
    February 2007
    January 2007
    July 2006
    May 2006
    December 2005
    November 2005
    October 2005
    September 2005
    August 2005
    July 2005
    June 2005
    May 2005
    April 2005
    March 2005
    February 2005
    January 2005
    December 2004
    November 2004
    October 2004
    July 2004
    June 2004
    April 2004
    March 2004
    February 2004
    January 2004
    December 2003
    November 2003
    September 2003
    August 2003
    July 2003
    June 2003
    May 2003
    April 2003
    March 2003
    July 2002
    June 2002
    April 2002
    January 2002
    September 2001
    July 2001
    March 2001
    February 2001
    October 2000
    September 1999
    June 1999
    December 1998
    October 1998
    September 1998
    August 1998
    July 1998
    June 1998
    January 1998
    December 1997
    August 1997
    June 1996
    February 1996
    November 1995
    August 1995
    May 1994
    January 1994
    December 1993
    June 1993
    January 1993
    December 1992
    November 1991
    April 1991
    July 1990
    May 1990
    April 1990
    January 1990

    RSS Feed

      Need To Get In Touch With Me?

    Submit
All work on the Crooked Treehouse is ©Adam Stone, except where indicated, and may not be reproduced without his permission. If you enjoy it, please consider giving to my Patreon account.