The Crooked Treehouse
  • Tips From The Bar
  • Honest Conversation Is Overrated
  • Popcorn Culture
  • Comically Obsessed
  • Justify Your Bookshelves
  • Storefront

Honest Conversation Is Overrated

Actual Human Interactions Witnessed Or Overheard
In  Twentieth  And  Twenty-First  Century  America

Dead Dog Petting Zoo

10/19/2022

0 Comments

 
In a discussion where I mentioned that my family had a dog when I was very young but my mother was allergic to it, I mentioned that I didn't know whether the dog died or was given away. I only knew that I was told it "went to live on a farm".

​Comrade: "The dead dog farm?"

Me: "It's more of a dead dog petting zoo. All the dogs are really well behaved. There's, like, no barking at all. I know some people like to go apple picking at orchards in the fall, but my family always used to take our trips to the dead dog petting zoo. I think that's where we should adopt our next pet from. Think you can remember to take it out for a drag twice a day?"

Comrade: "What is wrong with you?"
0 Comments

Poop Jail

2/22/2022

0 Comments

 
Last night, around 1000pm, I made a joke about how the Moon Knight comics were so bad that I would rather mop the floor.

Last night at 10:30, I mopped the gaming room, the TV room, the kitchen, and the bathroom. Only the office (which is too cold to use right now), the spare room/library (which only I use, and not very often), and the bedroom (where Comrade was doing online D&D were not mopped. I planned on doing those rooms tonight when I got home from work, or tomorrow.

This morning, at 10:30, I went to work.

This morning at 11:00, Motherfucker Goose took a wet, sticky poop, none of which she left in the litterbox. Instead, she dragged it across every inch of the kitchen, straight through the gaming room, into the TV room, on to the still newish couch, back through the gaming room, into the bedroom where she dragged herself across various piles of laundry that needed to be folded before hopping up on the bed, and waking up Comrade.

Just poop, Everywhere.

Tonight, at 7:15ish, I arrive home.

Comrade: "So, I looked at a couple of apartments that don't allow pets today. I'm not leaving you, or moving out, because I love you. But I just wanted the thrill of imagining what it would be like to never live with cats again."

Tonight at 8:30, I remopped the gaming room, the TV room, and the bathroom. I bathed the very sad cat who had spent the day in jail (the kitchen). She screeched. Selina (who hasn't had to have a bath in a year because she takes care of herself) screeched in sympathy. I dried off the still yowling Motherfucker. I mopped the kitchen. Comrade put the couch cushion covers in the washing machine (he'd cleaned them with the products they gave us with the couch earlier, but hadn't realized the covers come off and can be machine washed (but not machine dried).

​The cats are still in jail.
0 Comments

Most Dogs

10/13/2020

0 Comments

 
Comrade: What would it take for you to get rid of Selina, so we can get a dog?

Me: Selina loves dogs, and dogs ... some dogs tolerate Selina.

Comra
de: But she's The Worst cat.

Me: She's not the worst.

Selina runs into the kitchen, jumps on the table, knocking a full tub of duck sauce on my lap and the floor, then runs back out.

Me: I fucken hate that cat.

Comrade: Just think how much better ANY dog woud be.

Me: Well, not Any Dog. But ... yea, most dogs.

Selina runs into the overturned duck sauce, and runs out again.

I grab some paper towels and start cleaning up the duck sauce. "Can you ... put her in the other room while I clean this."

Comrade tries to corner Selina, she runs into the bedroom. Comrade goes into bedroom, Selina runs into the living room. Comrade goes into the living room, Selina runs back to the bedroom. Comrade begins squawking like a chicken and running at her, full speed. Selina runs into the office (aka The Cat Room), and Comrade shuts the door behind her. 

Me: Thank you.

Comra
de: Do I get some sort of reward?

Me: I'm going to slather you in duck sauce and--

Comrade: No. That is not something I'm going to do for you.

Me, invading his personal space: Quack for me.

Comrade: I've been meaning to ask you ... what do you think about having a more open relationship?

​Me: Q...uack?
0 Comments

Living Up To Her Name

8/27/2020

0 Comments

 
Me, to MF Goose: What's up, jerk?

Comrade: Why is she a jerk? She's the good one!

​She jumps up and knocks over all of my Scrabble tiles.
0 Comments

Sting Bros

5/12/2020

0 Comments

 
​I have a writing project I need to work on, but first Comrade and I will have a late breakfast.

Ok, the water has boiled over slightly, dampening one burner, and this has, somehow rendered all the burners useless, while not impacting the oven. No problem, I'll just use some matches to ....

There are no matches or lighters in the house.

Is Comrade the first person I've dated for more than a month that doesn't smoke?

Comrade and I decide to have some cereal for breakfast and watch some Brooklyn 99.

About three minutes into the episode, a wasp and a bumblebee find their way into the apartment. Selina is delighted. Motherfucker doesn't pay attention. Comrade and I briefly try and figure out a way to open the window without interacting with wasp and bumblebee before leaving the house to go buy a lighter for the stove and Raid for the flying pests. Not to be mixed.

Bread is purchased. Provolone is purchased. Milk is purchased. A grill lighter is purchased. Wasp, Yellowjacket & Hornet Killer is purchased.

An Ignorance of Bros hang out by the corner of the store, less than two feet apart not wearing masks. I consider spraying them with Raid.

I read the packaging on the Raid and realize it will be super unhelpful as it is an outdoor spray and would be dangerous even to incredibly intelligent cats. Selina would be doomed.

Knowing my feeling on wasps and hornets, Comrade volunteers to go in to try and "Rambo those bastards. Oops, is that hate speech?" (This is a Dr. Bobby joke that has somehow crossed over to Comrade, even though the two have never met, or even talked to each other.)

I sit in the hallway, looking at my phone while I hear sporadic noises from the apartment. Soon, Comrade comes out of the apartment in goggles, his facemask, and oven gloves, holding a balled up paper towel, which he carries outside. Thus is the bumblebee reintroduced to the wild.

Comrade pulls of his facemask when he comes back in. "Selina is useless. The wasp was having trouble flying when I went in, and she was just looking at it real close. Not even trying to paw it, just watching it hover and fall. I whacked it with the paper towel roll, but it escaped into the shades for a few seconds before reemerging. Then I whacked it to death with the paper towel roll. Want to see it?"

No.

It has now been about two hours since I set out to get some writing done. The cereal is, of course, ruined, even if I didn't suspect it had been massively tampered with by the sting bros. But I have a lighter, and, lo, I manage to reignite the stove.

First, however, I have to pick up the kitchen since someone (and Comrade swears it was Selina, while we were out) has destroyed the kitchen by first knocking over the trash can, and then distributing the trash to the previously garbage deficient portions of the kitchen.

By the time the kitchen is cleaned, and the now late lunch is prepared, the writing is no longer on the schedule. The wasp's descendents will be hearing from my lawyers re: lost wages.

Oh shit. The wasp's descendents are my lawyers?

This seems weirdly famliar.
0 Comments

At Least Thrice Daily

4/9/2020

0 Comments

 
Comrade: "Do you realize how frequently you tell your cats to 'calm (their) tits'?"

Me: "Cats have lots of nervous energy AND lots of tits."
0 Comments

2:15 Eternal

11/19/2019

0 Comments

 
Comrade at 1:45: "I'm tired. We should crash."

Me: "We can't crash until 2:30."

Comrade: "Why?"

Me: "Don't ask. Let's just watch another episode of Brooklyn 99."

---
At 2:15, Motherfucker jumps on the bed and curls up on my leg.

Comrade: "Did your cat just sigh?"

Me: "Yea."

Comrade: "Why?"

Selina: "GUESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS WHAT I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE?"

Me: "Shut up, Selina."

Selina: "HERE'S A CLUE! YOU WEAR ONE ON YOUR FEET IN THE DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME."

Comrade: "Is that my sock?"

Me: "Let her have it. It used to be a ball, but Goose destroyed that. Then it was one of my socks, until I hid them all in the drawer. Then she started bringing me the paper towel roll. It will always be something."

Comrade: "Every night?"

Me: "At precisely 2:15. And if I close the door, she won't stop until I open the door. And if I try playing with her at 1:45, she'lll run away and hide. And if I pick her up at 2:00 and keep her trapped in a cuddle, she waits until I fall asleep and then announces whatever it is she can get her paws on, the moment she riggles free. "

Selina: "IT'S A SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK."

Comrade: "Has she always done this?"

Me: "No. I've had this cat for ten years. She's always been loud, but she didn't start having such a rigid play schedule until I moved into this place."

Comrade: "You should move again. And maybe leave her behind."

Selina: "I'LL ALWAYS FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND YOU LIKE I FOUND THIS SOCK!"

Comrade: "How long does she --"

Me: "She's got one more meow and then she'll go hang out in the window."

Selina: "I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE THE WINDOW. I'M GONNA GO IN THE WINDOW NOW!"

Motherfucker loudly exhales.

Me: "Ok. Now we can go to sleep."
0 Comments

Evanjellicle

11/17/2019

0 Comments

 
Selina: HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Selina: HELLLLOOOOOOOO?

Selina: YO HOMOS.

Me: Shut up, Selina.

Selina: WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS AGAINST GOD.

Me: Cat, what's your problem?

Selina: IT'S ADAM AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND COMRADE.

Me: You're the worst.

Comrade: I don't think you know what she's saying.

Selina: YOU CONSISTENTLY DATE LOSERS, YOU KNOW THAT?

Me: Wow. You are Awful tonight.

Selina: MREEEEEEEEEEEEOWR.

Comrade: What did she call me?

Me: Butt pirate.

Comrade: I was defending you, you little Shit Ostrich.

Selina: MRRRRRRRRREOWR MREOWWWWWWWWWWWWR. MREOWR.

Comrade: You didn't tell me she was homophobic.

Selina: MREEEEOWR MROWR MREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOWR.

Comrade: You. Are. A. Monster.

Selina: MREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOWR.

******************************************

Comrade: Why is your cat so homophobic, anyway?

​Me: She's an evanjellicle.
0 Comments

Shit Ostrich

11/14/2019

0 Comments

 
During a discussion about how being half-assed is only acceptable if it results in a zonkey:

Comrade: Mules don't cut it.

Me: Mules are the ostriches of horses.

Comrade: Or Canada Geese.

Me: Canada Geese are The Worst. If we're going to be a country of racists who build a border wall, it should be to keep out Canada Geese.

Comrade: That would have to be a very tall wall, and I doubt we could get the geese to pay for it.

Me: Tax. The. Swans

*******************

Me: I don't want to jinx us, but ever since you showed up, my cat has stopped being annoying.

Comrade: I'm sorry. Are we dating? Or am I your tawdry cat whisperer?

Me:

Comrade:

Me:

There are scratching sounds from my drawer.

Comrade: Which one is that?

Me: Curse word bird with a weird neck.

Comrade:

Me:

Comrade: Shit Ostrich?

Me: That is definitely her name from now on.

Selina: MY NAME IS NOT SHIT OSTRICH!

Me & Comrade: SHUT UP SHIT OSTRICH!

​Shit Ostrich has been quiet ever since.
0 Comments

Priorities

11/11/2019

0 Comments

 
Nosey Guy Who Always Comes In And Expects Me To Give Him A Free Therapy Session Because He Is Lonely And I Am Trapped In A Store: "I have a date tonight."

Me: "Huh."

NG: "It's tough you know."

Me: "Mmmmm."

NG: "Are you married?"

Me: "Nope."

NG: "Divorced?"

Me: "Nope."

NG: "Ever been in a relationship?"

Me: "Probably."

NG: "I hear you. Do you ever want to be married?"

Me: "Eh."

NG: "A lot of guys don't realize they need relationships."

Me: "Mmmm."

NG: "You know what I mean?"

Me: "Nope."

NG: "You seem to have it all figured it out."

Me: "Sure."

Comrade Via Text: "What are we doing for dinner?"

I start to type.

NG: "I've been dating a long time. I could tell you some stories."

Me: "Sure."

CvT, before I can text a reply: "Wait, you're going out tonight, right?"

Me via Text: "Yep. But I should still be home moderately early. Be aware, I'm going to have an entire bottle of non-alcoholic sparkling cider. I hope you're prepared for the consequences."

NG: "Sure do have a lot of stories."

Me: "Sure."

CvT: "Mreowr?"

Me: "Anything I can help you find?"

NG: "I kind of want to go over there."

He points to the section that I have blocked off.

Me: "Sorry. It's closed today."

NG: "Like your heart."

Me: "Like my patience."

He leaves without buying anything.

Me via Text: "Are you hanging out with the dust mops."

CvT: "No. Shit Ostrich is lazy on the bookcase, Goose is lazy on the floor. I'm lazy on the bed. We are all unimpressed with Monday."

MvT: "Same. You should hang out with Shit Ostrich. You seem to be a good influence on her."

CvT: "On the bookcase? That seems dangerous."

MvT: "Got it. Sturdier bookcases."

CvT: "Sure? I wouldn't make that a priority."

​Like I've ever had any sense of priority.
0 Comments
<<Previous

    Categories

    All
    Asterisk
    Awkward Non Sexual Situations
    Awkward Sex Situations
    Beckee
    Being Gay
    Being Insafemode
    Ben
    Big Honken Liars
    Brookline And Qughincy
    Celeste
    Clarissa
    Comics
    Communication Problems
    Comrade
    Dad
    Dallas
    David
    Deaf Culture
    Dmitri
    Drugs
    Ducks
    Dude
    Elvis
    Emily
    Fledge
    Fortune Cookies
    Fucken Love
    Gay Sex
    Gender
    Hahvahd
    Hampshire Damn College
    Health Problems
    Holidays
    Horrible Pizza Place
    Im A Drunk
    Internet Dating
    Jackie
    Jbob
    Jennifer
    Jeremy
    Jim
    Kevin
    Kimberly Hyphen Surname
    Kimberly Hyphen-Surname
    Landlords
    Literature
    Mr Hpl
    My Family
    My Father
    My Mother
    Odd Jobs
    Online Dating
    Opening A Bottle Rocket With Your Teeth
    Pets
    Poetry
    Police
    Politics
    Quarantine Time
    Rainbortion
    Random Inanity
    Retail
    Roommates
    Ryan
    Saint
    School
    Scotts
    Sir Trick
    Slam
    Slow Flashes
    Sora
    Steggy
    Theatre
    The British Invasion
    The End Of The World
    The Loop
    The Numbers
    Theo
    The Slut Across The Street
    Tommy
    Trick
    Unharry
    Vegas
    Victor
    Wiz
    Zuzu


    Archives

    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    February 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    February 2011
    September 2010
    August 2010
    July 2010
    June 2010
    April 2010
    March 2010
    February 2010
    January 2010
    December 2009
    September 2009
    January 2009
    December 2008
    November 2008
    October 2008
    September 2008
    August 2008
    July 2008
    June 2008
    May 2008
    April 2008
    March 2008
    February 2008
    January 2008
    December 2007
    November 2007
    October 2007
    September 2007
    August 2007
    July 2007
    June 2007
    May 2007
    April 2007
    March 2007
    February 2007
    January 2007
    July 2006
    May 2006
    December 2005
    November 2005
    October 2005
    September 2005
    August 2005
    July 2005
    June 2005
    May 2005
    April 2005
    March 2005
    February 2005
    January 2005
    December 2004
    November 2004
    October 2004
    July 2004
    June 2004
    April 2004
    March 2004
    February 2004
    January 2004
    December 2003
    November 2003
    September 2003
    August 2003
    July 2003
    June 2003
    May 2003
    April 2003
    March 2003
    July 2002
    June 2002
    April 2002
    January 2002
    September 2001
    July 2001
    March 2001
    February 2001
    October 2000
    September 1999
    June 1999
    December 1998
    October 1998
    September 1998
    August 1998
    July 1998
    June 1998
    January 1998
    December 1997
    August 1997
    June 1996
    February 1996
    November 1995
    August 1995
    May 1994
    January 1994
    December 1993
    June 1993
    January 1993
    December 1992
    November 1991
    April 1991
    July 1990
    May 1990
    April 1990
    January 1990

    RSS Feed

      Need To Get In Touch With Me?

    Submit
All work on the Crooked Treehouse is ©Adam Stone, except where indicated, and may not be reproduced without his permission. If you enjoy it, please consider giving to my Patreon account.
  • Tips From The Bar
  • Honest Conversation Is Overrated
  • Popcorn Culture
  • Comically Obsessed
  • Justify Your Bookshelves
  • Storefront