Selina: HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Selina: HELLLLOOOOOOOO?

Selina: YO HOMOS.

Me: Shut up, Selina.

Selina: WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS AGAINST GOD.

Me: Cat, what's your problem?

Selina: IT'S ADAM AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND DUDE.

Me: You're the worst.

Dude: I don't think you know what she's saying.

Selina: YOU CONSISTENTLY DATE LOSERS, YOU KNOW THAT?

Me: Wow. You are Awful tonight.

Selina: MREEEEEEEEEEEEOWR.

Dude: What did she call me?

Me: Butt pirate.

Dude: I was defending you, you little Shit Ostrich.

Selina: MRRRRRRRRREOWR MREOWWWWWWWWWWWWR. MREOWR.

Dude: You didn't tell me she was homophobic.

Selina: MREEEEOWR MROWR MREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOWR.

Dude: You. Are. A. Monster.

Selina: MREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOWR.

******************************************

Dude: Why is your cat so homophobic, anyway?

​Me: She's an evanjellicle.

Nosey Guy Who Always Comes In And Expects Me To Give Him A Free Therapy Session Because He Is Lonely And I Am Trapped In A Store: "I have a date tonight."

Me: "Huh."

NG: "It's tough you know."

Me: "Mmmmm."

NG: "Are you married?"

Me: "Nope."

NG: "Divorced?"

Me: "Nope."

NG: "Ever been in a relationship?"

Me: "Probably."

NG: "I hear you. Do you ever want to be married?"

Me: "Eh."

NG: "A lot of guys don't realize they need relationships."

Me: "Mmmm."

NG: "You know what I mean?"

Me: "Nope."

NG: "You seem to have it all figured it out."

Me: "Sure."

Dude Via Text: "What are we doing for dinner?"

I start to type.

NG: "I've been dating a long time. I could tell you some stories."

Me: "Sure."

DvT, before I can text a reply: "Wait, you're going out tonight, right?"

Me via Text: "Yep. But I should still be home moderately early. Be aware, I'm going to have an entire bottle of non-alcoholic sparkling cider. I hope you're prepared for the consequences."

NG: "Sure do have a lot of stories."

Me: "Sure."

DvT: "Mreowr?"

Me: "Anything I can help you find?"

NG: "I kind of want to go over there."

He points to the section that I have blocked off.

Me: "Sorry. It's closed today."

NG: "Like your heart."

Me: "Like my patience."

He leaves without buying anything.

Me via Text: "Are you hanging out with the dust mops."

DvT: "No. Shit Ostrich is lazy on the bookcase, Goose is lazy on the floor. I'm lazy on the bed. We are all unimpressed with Monday."

MvT: "Same. You should hang out with Shit Ostrich. You seem to be a good influence on her."

DvT: "On the bookcase? That seems dangerous."

MvT: "Got it. Sturdier bookcases."

DvT: "Sure? I wouldn't make that a priority."

​Like I've ever had any sense of priority.

During a discussion about how being half-assed is only acceptable if it results in a zonkey:

Dude: Mules don't cut it.

Me: Mules are the ostriches of horses.

Dude: Or Canada Geese.

Me: Canada Geese are The Worst. If we're going to be a country of racists who build a border wall, it should be to keep out Canada Geese.

Dude: That would have to be a very tall wall, and I doubt we could get the geese to pay for it.

Me: Tax. The. Swans

*******************

Me: I don't want to jinx us, but ever since you showed up, my cat has stopped being annoying.

Dude: I'm sorry. Are we dating? Or am I your tawdry cat whisperer?

Me:

Dude:

Me:

There are scratching sounds from my drawer.

Dude: Which one is that?

Me: Curse word bird with a weird neck.

Dude:

Me:

Dude: Shit Ostrich?

Me: That is definitely her name from now on.

Selina: MY NAME IS NOT SHIT OSTRICH!

Me & Dude: SHUT UP SHIT OSTRICH!

​Shit Ostrich has been quiet ever since.

Selina: GOOD MORNING!

Me: Ugh. What do you want?

Selina: GOOD MORNING!

Me: What do you want?

Selina: GOOD MORNING! GOOD MORNING! GOOD MORNING! GOOD MORNING!

Me: MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW.

Person Standing Outside Window: There is something seriously wrong with that cat. It sounds awful today.

Other Person Standing Outside Window: That wasn't a cat, Phil. That was a person yelling at a cat.

​Phil: Who yells meow at a cat?

The Other Person answered, but they were walking away from the window so I couldn't hear them. But I know The Answer.

At some point last night, I woke up to Selina doing her "HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! BALLLLLLLL!!!!!" routine, and I threw a sock in her general direction and went back to sleep. A bit later, I woke up, and she was curled up next to me, purring.

When I woke up this morning, my side felt slightly irritated, like I had rolled over on top of a pen in my sleep. It could happen. I do frequently have pens near or on my bed. But it wasn't a pen. It was a screwdriver.

I do not, ever, ever ever, really ever, at any given time, keep a screwdriver near my bed. When not in a drawer, a screwdriver might find itself on a bookshelf, which is the last place I remember putting the tiny screwdriver that I used to assemble a small shelf.

SOMEONE picked up a screwdriver in their mouths, hopped onto my bed, and curled up next to me with a flipping screwdriver, and then left it there, as some sort of weird offering.

​My list of suspects is quite small.

Selina: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING.

Me: Ugh. What?

Selina: IT'S MORNING. ISN'T MORNING GREAT?

Me: Go away.

Selina: THERE IS AN EMERGENCY IN THE OTHER ROOM! FOLLOW ME!

Me: You have food and water and fresh litter. It's too early. Go away.

Selina: IT IS AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY! PEOPLE AND CATS COULD DIE! COME QUICKLY.

Me: This better not be about the ball.

Selina: ¿WHTBLLL?

Me: Is it an actual emergency?

Selina YTHHHHHHHHHHHH! CM KWKL.

Me: What?

Selina: I HAVE THE BALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I turn around and close the door on my way back into the room.

Selina: I STILL HAVE THE BALL, EVEN IF YOU CAN'T SEE ME!

Silence.

Selina: BALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!

Silence.

Selina: BALLLLLLLLLLLLL.

Silence.

Selina: GOOD MORNING?

Silence.

​Selina: balllllll

​Selina: EXCUSE ME.

Me: Oh no.

Selina: PARDON ME.

Me: What?

Selina: I HAVE NOTICED THAT YOU SHUT THE WINDOW YESTERDAY.

Me: It's autumn, which means it's cold outside now. The window stays shut.

Selina: BUT THERE ARE PEOPLE OUTSIDE THAT I TALK TO IN THE MORNING. AND IN THE AFTERNOON. AND AT NIGHT. AND ALSO AT OTHER TIMES.

Me: If someone wants to talk to you, they can come in and hang out with you.

Selina: BUT YOU ARE NEVER HOME. AND WHEN YOU ARE NOT HOME. AND IT IS JUST ME AND MOTHERFUCKER. SHE DOESN'T TALK TO ME. AND THERE ARE NO PEOPLE TO TALK TO ME. SO I HAVE TO SAVE ALL OF MY ALL OF MY ALL OF MY VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS FOR YOU WHEN YOU GET HOME.

Me: You do that anyway.

Selina: I COULD DO IT MORE.

Me: Actually, I doubt that.

Selina: I COULD TOTALLY TALK MORE. I HAVE MANY MORE OPINIONS THAN I USUALLY LET ON.

Me: Get a blog.

Selina: YOU KNOW I CAN'T TYPE. OR READ. AND IF I COULD, I WOULD JUST TYPE WHATEVER NONSENSE WAS IN MY FURRY BRAIN AND CALL IT FACTS EVEN THOUGH I KNOW NOTHING OF THE WORLD OUTSIDE A DESIRE FOR ATTENTION.

Me: In the 2010s, we refer to that as Being Presidential.

Selina: I KNOW YOU HATE THE PERSON YOU CALL THE PRESIDENT. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CONSTANTLY BE MEAN TO ME. I AM ALWAYS NICE TO YOU.

Me: So whose vomit is that next to my sneaker?

Selina: IT IS A GIFT. I AM GIVING YOU SOMETHING THAT WAS ONCE A PART OF ME. IT IS ROMANTIC.

Me: Go away.

Selina: REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU GOT MAD AT THE DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR AND STARTED SINGING WHITNEY HOUSTON'S "I HAVE NOTHING" TO THEM? I HAVE BEEN PRACTICING MY WHITNEY IMPERSONATION. HERE GOES. DON'T. MAKE. ME. CLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE ONE MORE DOOR. I. DON'T. WANT TO. HURT ANYM---

Me: Selina, shut the fuck up.

SELINA: AREN'T I A BEAUTIFUL SINGER? IF YOU WOULD JUST OPEN THAT WINDOW UP, I COULD GET A RECORDING CONTRACT, AND--

Motherfucker, walks up to her, gives her a quick headbutt.

MF Doom: Please be quiet.

Selina: YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE OF ME. I AM OLDER THAN YOU. I HAVE LIVED WITH THE HUMAN LONGER THAN YOU. I AM--

MF Doom: Or I will fucken murder you.

Selina walks over to her box and lays down. Quietly. Motherfucker hops on the chair I am sitting in, and falls asleep.

​Selina: GOOD MORNING!

Me: Ugh. What do you want?

Selina: YOUR ALARM DIDN'T GO OFF. IF YOU GET UP NOW YOU CAN STILL GET TO WORK ON TIME. BUT YOU MUST HURRY.

Me: Fine. Thanks.

Selina: AREN'T I JUST THE BEST CAT EVER? I'M SO HELPFUL. I EVEN VOMITED RIGHT NEXT TO THE VACUUM CLEANER. WATCH YOUR STEP ON THE WAY TO THE BATHROOM.

Me: No one likes you.

​Dude at 1:45: "I'm tired. We should crash."

Me: "We can't crash until 2:30."

Dude: "Why?"

Me: "Don't ask. Let's just watch another episode of Brooklyn 99."

---
At 2:15, Motherfucker jumps on the bed and curls up on my leg.

Dude: "Did your cat just sigh?"

Me: "Yea."

Dude: "Why?"

Selina: "GUESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS WHAT I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE?"

Me: "Shut up, Selina."

Selina: "HERE'S A CLUE! YOU WEAR ONE ON YOUR FEET IN THE DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME."

Dude: "Is that my sock?"

Me: "Let her have it. It used to be a ball, but Goose destroyed that. Then it was one of my socks, until I hid them all in the drawer. Then she started bringing me the paper towel roll. It will always be something."

Dude: "Every night?"

Me: "At precisely 2:15. And if I close the door, she won't stop until I open the door. And if I try playing with her at 1:45, she'lll run away and hide. And if I pick her up at 2:00 and keep her trapped in a cuddle, she waits until I fall asleep and then announces whatever it is she can get her paws on, the moment she riggles free. "

Selina: "IT'S A SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK."

Dude: "Has she always done this?"

Me: "No. I've had this cat for ten years. She's always been loud, but she didn't start having such a rigid play schedule until I moved into this place."

Dude: "You should move again. And maybe leave her behind."

Selina: "I'LL ALWAYS FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND YOU LIKE I FOUND THIS SOCK!"

Dude: "How long does she --"

Me: "She's got one more meow and then she'll go hang out in the window."

Selina: "I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE THE WINDOW. I'M GONNA GO IN THE WINDOW NOW!"

Motherfucker loudly exhales.

Me: "Ok. Now we can go to sleep."

I​n the midst of working on a playlist, I hear a familiar sound coming from the living room.

Selina: "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING!!!"

Me: "Shut up, Selina."

Quietly, Selina: "good morning?"

Me: "Go back to sleep."

After a brief pause, she hops on to the bed, and stands next to my head.

Me: "Can I help you."

Selina: "My muffew."

Me: "Whatever you say."

Selina: "My muffew."

Me: "Sure."

She drops the remnants of the ball, which Motherfucker mostly destroyed earlier in the week, next to my head.

Selina: "Play with me?"

Me: "Lay down."

Selina: "Play with me?"

Me: "Lay. Down."

Selina: "Play. With. Me?"

Me: "Goodnight, cat."

Selina: "I will pee in your dreams."

Me: "What?"

Selina: "You heard me."

Me: "Do you mean you will pee on me while I'm sleeping? Will you Freddy Kreuger me by peeing on something that is literally in my dreams? Or do you mean you will pee on my hopes and ambitions?"

Seina: "Yes."

Me: "That is hardcore."

I throw the remnant of the ball into the living room. She runs after it, occasionally meowing. Quietly.