I have a writing project I need to work on, but first Dude and I will have a late breakfast.
Ok, the water has boiled over slightly, dampening one burner, and this has, somehow rendered all the burners useless, while not impacting the oven. No problem, I'll just use some matches to ....
There are no matches or lighters in the house.
Is Dude the first person I've dated for more than a month that doesn't smoke?
Dude and I decide to have some cereal for breakfast and watch some Brooklyn 99.
About three minutes into the episode, a wasp and a bumblebee find their way into the apartment. Selina is delighted. Motherfucker doesn't pay attention. Dude and I briefly try and figure out a way to open the window without interacting with wasp and bumblebee before leaving the house to go buy a lighter for the stove and Raid for the flying pests. Not to be mixed.
Bread is purchased. Provolone is purchased. Milk is purchased. A grill lighter is purchased. Wasp, Yellowjacket & Hornet Killer is purchased.
An Ignorance of Bros hang out by the corner of the store, less than two feet apart not wearing masks. I consider spraying them with Raid.
I read the packaging on the Raid and realize it will be super unhelpful as it is an outdoor spray and would be dangerous even to incredibly intelligent cats. Selina would be doomed.
Knowing my feeling on wasps and hornets, Dude volunteers to go in to try and "Rambo those bastards. Oops, is that hate speech?" (This is a Dr. Bobby joke that has somehow crossed over to Dude, even though the two have never met, or even talked to each other.)
I sit in the hallway, looking at my phone while I hear sporadic noises from the apartment. Soon, Dude comes out of the apartment in goggles, his facemask, and oven gloves, holding a balled up paper towel, which he carries outside. Thus is the bumblebee reintroduced to the wild.
Dude pulls of his facemask when he comes back in. "Selina is useless. The wasp was having trouble flying when I went in, and she was just looking at it real close. Not even trying to paw it, just watching it hover and fall. I whacked it with the paper towel roll, but it escaped into the shades for a few seconds before reemerging. Then I whacked it to death with the paper towel roll. Want to see it?"
It has now been about two hours since I set out to get some writing done. The cereal is, of course, ruined, even if I didn't suspect it had been massively tampered with by the sting bros. But I have a lighter, and, lo, I manage to reignite the stove.
First, however, I have to pick up the kitchen since someone (and Dude swears it was Selina, while we were out) has destroyed the kitchen by first knocking over the trash can, and then distributing the trash to the previously garbage deficient portions of the kitchen.
By the time the kitchen is cleaned, and the now late lunch is prepared, the writing is no longer on the schedule. The wasp's descendents will be hearing from my lawyers re: lost wages.
Oh shit. The wasp's descendents are my lawyers?
This seems weirdly famliar.
Dude: "Do you realize how frequently you tell your cats to 'calm (their) tits'?"
Me: "Cats have lots of nervous energy AND lots of tits."
Selina: YO HOMOS.
Me: Shut up, Selina.
Selina: WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS AGAINST GOD.
Me: Cat, what's your problem?
Selina: IT'S ADAM AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND DUDE.
Me: You're the worst.
Dude: I don't think you know what she's saying.
Selina: YOU CONSISTENTLY DATE LOSERS, YOU KNOW THAT?
Me: Wow. You are Awful tonight.
Dude: What did she call me?
Me: Butt pirate.
Dude: I was defending you, you little Shit Ostrich.
Selina: MRRRRRRRRREOWR MREOWWWWWWWWWWWWR. MREOWR.
Dude: You didn't tell me she was homophobic.
Selina: MREEEEOWR MROWR MREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOWR.
Dude: You. Are. A. Monster.
Dude: Why is your cat so homophobic, anyway?
Me: She's an evanjellicle.
Nosey Guy Who Always Comes In And Expects Me To Give Him A Free Therapy Session Because He Is Lonely And I Am Trapped In A Store: "I have a date tonight."
NG: "It's tough you know."
NG: "Are you married?"
NG: "Ever been in a relationship?"
NG: "I hear you. Do you ever want to be married?"
NG: "A lot of guys don't realize they need relationships."
NG: "You know what I mean?"
NG: "You seem to have it all figured it out."
Dude Via Text: "What are we doing for dinner?"
I start to type.
NG: "I've been dating a long time. I could tell you some stories."
DvT, before I can text a reply: "Wait, you're going out tonight, right?"
Me via Text: "Yep. But I should still be home moderately early. Be aware, I'm going to have an entire bottle of non-alcoholic sparkling cider. I hope you're prepared for the consequences."
NG: "Sure do have a lot of stories."
Me: "Anything I can help you find?"
NG: "I kind of want to go over there."
He points to the section that I have blocked off.
Me: "Sorry. It's closed today."
NG: "Like your heart."
Me: "Like my patience."
He leaves without buying anything.
Me via Text: "Are you hanging out with the dust mops."
DvT: "No. Shit Ostrich is lazy on the bookcase, Goose is lazy on the floor. I'm lazy on the bed. We are all unimpressed with Monday."
MvT: "Same. You should hang out with Shit Ostrich. You seem to be a good influence on her."
DvT: "On the bookcase? That seems dangerous."
MvT: "Got it. Sturdier bookcases."
DvT: "Sure? I wouldn't make that a priority."
Like I've ever had any sense of priority.
During a discussion about how being half-assed is only acceptable if it results in a zonkey:
Dude: Mules don't cut it.
Me: Mules are the ostriches of horses.
Dude: Or Canada Geese.
Me: Canada Geese are The Worst. If we're going to be a country of racists who build a border wall, it should be to keep out Canada Geese.
Dude: That would have to be a very tall wall, and I doubt we could get the geese to pay for it.
Me: Tax. The. Swans
Me: I don't want to jinx us, but ever since you showed up, my cat has stopped being annoying.
Dude: I'm sorry. Are we dating? Or am I your tawdry cat whisperer?
There are scratching sounds from my drawer.
Dude: Which one is that?
Me: Curse word bird with a weird neck.
Dude: Shit Ostrich?
Me: That is definitely her name from now on.
Selina: MY NAME IS NOT SHIT OSTRICH!
Me & Dude: SHUT UP SHIT OSTRICH!
Shit Ostrich has been quiet ever since.
Selina: GOOD MORNING!
Me: Ugh. What do you want?
Selina: GOOD MORNING!
Me: What do you want?
Selina: GOOD MORNING! GOOD MORNING! GOOD MORNING! GOOD MORNING!
Me: MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW.
Person Standing Outside Window: There is something seriously wrong with that cat. It sounds awful today.
Other Person Standing Outside Window: That wasn't a cat, Phil. That was a person yelling at a cat.
Phil: Who yells meow at a cat?
The Other Person answered, but they were walking away from the window so I couldn't hear them. But I know The Answer.
At some point last night, I woke up to Selina doing her "HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! BALLLLLLLL!!!!!" routine, and I threw a sock in her general direction and went back to sleep. A bit later, I woke up, and she was curled up next to me, purring.
When I woke up this morning, my side felt slightly irritated, like I had rolled over on top of a pen in my sleep. It could happen. I do frequently have pens near or on my bed. But it wasn't a pen. It was a screwdriver.
I do not, ever, ever ever, really ever, at any given time, keep a screwdriver near my bed. When not in a drawer, a screwdriver might find itself on a bookshelf, which is the last place I remember putting the tiny screwdriver that I used to assemble a small shelf.
SOMEONE picked up a screwdriver in their mouths, hopped onto my bed, and curled up next to me with a flipping screwdriver, and then left it there, as some sort of weird offering.
My list of suspects is quite small.
Selina: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING.
Me: Ugh. What?
Selina: IT'S MORNING. ISN'T MORNING GREAT?
Me: Go away.
Selina: THERE IS AN EMERGENCY IN THE OTHER ROOM! FOLLOW ME!
Me: You have food and water and fresh litter. It's too early. Go away.
Selina: IT IS AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY! PEOPLE AND CATS COULD DIE! COME QUICKLY.
Me: This better not be about the ball.
Me: Is it an actual emergency?
Selina YTHHHHHHHHHHHH! CM KWKL.
Selina: I HAVE THE BALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I turn around and close the door on my way back into the room.
Selina: I STILL HAVE THE BALL, EVEN IF YOU CAN'T SEE ME!
Selina: GOOD MORNING?
Selina: EXCUSE ME.
Me: Oh no.
Selina: PARDON ME.
Selina: I HAVE NOTICED THAT YOU SHUT THE WINDOW YESTERDAY.
Me: It's autumn, which means it's cold outside now. The window stays shut.
Selina: BUT THERE ARE PEOPLE OUTSIDE THAT I TALK TO IN THE MORNING. AND IN THE AFTERNOON. AND AT NIGHT. AND ALSO AT OTHER TIMES.
Me: If someone wants to talk to you, they can come in and hang out with you.
Selina: BUT YOU ARE NEVER HOME. AND WHEN YOU ARE NOT HOME. AND IT IS JUST ME AND MOTHERFUCKER. SHE DOESN'T TALK TO ME. AND THERE ARE NO PEOPLE TO TALK TO ME. SO I HAVE TO SAVE ALL OF MY ALL OF MY ALL OF MY VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS FOR YOU WHEN YOU GET HOME.
Me: You do that anyway.
Selina: I COULD DO IT MORE.
Me: Actually, I doubt that.
Selina: I COULD TOTALLY TALK MORE. I HAVE MANY MORE OPINIONS THAN I USUALLY LET ON.
Me: Get a blog.
Selina: YOU KNOW I CAN'T TYPE. OR READ. AND IF I COULD, I WOULD JUST TYPE WHATEVER NONSENSE WAS IN MY FURRY BRAIN AND CALL IT FACTS EVEN THOUGH I KNOW NOTHING OF THE WORLD OUTSIDE A DESIRE FOR ATTENTION.
Me: In the 2010s, we refer to that as Being Presidential.
Selina: I KNOW YOU HATE THE PERSON YOU CALL THE PRESIDENT. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CONSTANTLY BE MEAN TO ME. I AM ALWAYS NICE TO YOU.
Me: So whose vomit is that next to my sneaker?
Selina: IT IS A GIFT. I AM GIVING YOU SOMETHING THAT WAS ONCE A PART OF ME. IT IS ROMANTIC.
Me: Go away.
Selina: REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU GOT MAD AT THE DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR AND STARTED SINGING WHITNEY HOUSTON'S "I HAVE NOTHING" TO THEM? I HAVE BEEN PRACTICING MY WHITNEY IMPERSONATION. HERE GOES. DON'T. MAKE. ME. CLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE ONE MORE DOOR. I. DON'T. WANT TO. HURT ANYM---
Me: Selina, shut the fuck up.
SELINA: AREN'T I A BEAUTIFUL SINGER? IF YOU WOULD JUST OPEN THAT WINDOW UP, I COULD GET A RECORDING CONTRACT, AND--
Motherfucker, walks up to her, gives her a quick headbutt.
MF Doom: Please be quiet.
Selina: YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE OF ME. I AM OLDER THAN YOU. I HAVE LIVED WITH THE HUMAN LONGER THAN YOU. I AM--
MF Doom: Or I will fucken murder you.
Selina walks over to her box and lays down. Quietly. Motherfucker hops on the chair I am sitting in, and falls asleep.
Selina: GOOD MORNING!
Me: Ugh. What do you want?
Selina: YOUR ALARM DIDN'T GO OFF. IF YOU GET UP NOW YOU CAN STILL GET TO WORK ON TIME. BUT YOU MUST HURRY.
Me: Fine. Thanks.
Selina: AREN'T I JUST THE BEST CAT EVER? I'M SO HELPFUL. I EVEN VOMITED RIGHT NEXT TO THE VACUUM CLEANER. WATCH YOUR STEP ON THE WAY TO THE BATHROOM.
Me: No one likes you.