Selina: EXCUSE ME.
Me: Oh no.
Selina: PARDON ME.
Selina: I HAVE NOTICED THAT YOU SHUT THE WINDOW YESTERDAY.
Me: It's autumn, which means it's cold outside now. The window stays shut.
Selina: BUT THERE ARE PEOPLE OUTSIDE THAT I TALK TO IN THE MORNING. AND IN THE AFTERNOON. AND AT NIGHT. AND ALSO AT OTHER TIMES.
Me: If someone wants to talk to you, they can come in and hang out with you.
Selina: BUT YOU ARE NEVER HOME. AND WHEN YOU ARE NOT HOME. AND IT IS JUST ME AND MOTHERFUCKER. SHE DOESN'T TALK TO ME. AND THERE ARE NO PEOPLE TO TALK TO ME. SO I HAVE TO SAVE ALL OF MY ALL OF MY ALL OF MY VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS FOR YOU WHEN YOU GET HOME.
Me: You do that anyway.
Selina: I COULD DO IT MORE.
Me: Actually, I doubt that.
Selina: I COULD TOTALLY TALK MORE. I HAVE MANY MORE OPINIONS THAN I USUALLY LET ON.
Me: Get a blog.
Selina: YOU KNOW I CAN'T TYPE. OR READ. AND IF I COULD, I WOULD JUST TYPE WHATEVER NONSENSE WAS IN MY FURRY BRAIN AND CALL IT FACTS EVEN THOUGH I KNOW NOTHING OF THE WORLD OUTSIDE A DESIRE FOR ATTENTION.
Me: In the 2010s, we refer to that as Being Presidential.
Selina: I KNOW YOU HATE THE PERSON YOU CALL THE PRESIDENT. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CONSTANTLY BE MEAN TO ME. I AM ALWAYS NICE TO YOU.
Me: So whose vomit is that next to my sneaker?
Selina: IT IS A GIFT. I AM GIVING YOU SOMETHING THAT WAS ONCE A PART OF ME. IT IS ROMANTIC.
Me: Go away.
Selina: REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU GOT MAD AT THE DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR AND STARTED SINGING WHITNEY HOUSTON'S "I HAVE NOTHING" TO THEM? I HAVE BEEN PRACTICING MY WHITNEY IMPERSONATION. HERE GOES. DON'T. MAKE. ME. CLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE ONE MORE DOOR. I. DON'T. WANT TO. HURT ANYM---
Me: Selina, shut the fuck up.
SELINA: AREN'T I A BEAUTIFUL SINGER? IF YOU WOULD JUST OPEN THAT WINDOW UP, I COULD GET A RECORDING CONTRACT, AND--
Motherfucker, walks up to her, gives her a quick headbutt.
MF Doom: Please be quiet.
Selina: YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE OF ME. I AM OLDER THAN YOU. I HAVE LIVED WITH THE HUMAN LONGER THAN YOU. I AM--
MF Doom: Or I will fucken murder you.
Selina walks over to her box and lays down. Quietly. Motherfucker hops on the chair I am sitting in, and falls asleep.
Selina: GOOD MORNING!
Me: Ugh. What do you want?
Selina: YOUR ALARM DIDN'T GO OFF. IF YOU GET UP NOW YOU CAN STILL GET TO WORK ON TIME. BUT YOU MUST HURRY.
Me: Fine. Thanks.
Selina: AREN'T I JUST THE BEST CAT EVER? I'M SO HELPFUL. I EVEN VOMITED RIGHT NEXT TO THE VACUUM CLEANER. WATCH YOUR STEP ON THE WAY TO THE BATHROOM.
Me: No one likes you.
Dude at 1:45: "I'm tired. We should crash."
Me: "We can't crash until 2:30."
Me: "Don't ask. Let's just watch another episode of Brooklyn 99."
At 2:15, Motherfucker jumps on the bed and curls up on my leg.
Dude: "Did your cat just sigh?"
Selina: "GUESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS WHAT I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE?"
Me: "Shut up, Selina."
Selina: "HERE'S A CLUE! YOU WEAR ONE ON YOUR FEET IN THE DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME."
Dude: "Is that my sock?"
Me: "Let her have it. It used to be a ball, but Goose destroyed that. Then it was one of my socks, until I hid them all in the drawer. Then she started bringing me the paper towel roll. It will always be something."
Dude: "Every night?"
Me: "At precisely 2:15. And if I close the door, she won't stop until I open the door. And if I try playing with her at 1:45, she'lll run away and hide. And if I pick her up at 2:00 and keep her trapped in a cuddle, she waits until I fall asleep and then announces whatever it is she can get her paws on, the moment she riggles free. "
Selina: "IT'S A SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK."
Dude: "Has she always done this?"
Me: "No. I've had this cat for ten years. She's always been loud, but she didn't start having such a rigid play schedule until I moved into this place."
Dude: "You should move again. And maybe leave her behind."
Selina: "I'LL ALWAYS FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND YOU LIKE I FOUND THIS SOCK!"
Dude: "How long does she --"
Me: "She's got one more meow and then she'll go hang out in the window."
Selina: "I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE THE WINDOW. I'M GONNA GO IN THE WINDOW NOW!"
Motherfucker loudly exhales.
Me: "Ok. Now we can go to sleep."
In the midst of working on a playlist, I hear a familiar sound coming from the living room.
Selina: "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING!!!"
Me: "Shut up, Selina."
Quietly, Selina: "good morning?"
Me: "Go back to sleep."
After a brief pause, she hops on to the bed, and stands next to my head.
Me: "Can I help you."
Selina: "My muffew."
Me: "Whatever you say."
Selina: "My muffew."
She drops the remnants of the ball, which Motherfucker mostly destroyed earlier in the week, next to my head.
Selina: "Play with me?"
Me: "Lay down."
Selina: "Play with me?"
Me: "Lay. Down."
Selina: "Play. With. Me?"
Me: "Goodnight, cat."
Selina: "I will pee in your dreams."
Selina: "You heard me."
Me: "Do you mean you will pee on me while I'm sleeping? Will you Freddy Kreuger me by peeing on something that is literally in my dreams? Or do you mean you will pee on my hopes and ambitions?"
Me: "That is hardcore."
I throw the remnant of the ball into the living room. She runs after it, occasionally meowing. Quietly.
Me, at 11:00: "I am very tired, Selina. Can you not wake me up at any point tonight?"
Selina: "Of course, I am also very tired. That is why I am lying on my back on the windowsill."
Me: "Cool, good night."
Selina at 1AM: "I FOUND ANOTHER BALL!!!! IT WAS ON THE FLOOR WHERE I LEFT IT YESTERDAY!!!! WATCH ME PLAY WITH IT!!!!"
Me: "GO. AWAY."
I close the door.
Selina at 2AM: "LET ME INTO THE ROOM!!!! I CAN'T FIND THE BALL ANYMORE!!! DO YOU HAVE IT??? IS IT .... NEVERMIND, I FOUND THE BALL AGAIN!!!! IT WAS HERE THE WHOLE TIME!!!!"
At some point, I got up, went to the bathroom, and left the door open.
Selina at 330AM: "GUESS WHAT I FOUND? I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT, IT'S ROUND AND AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
MF Goose, hopping on to the bed: "You'll have to excuse me. I couldn't listen to that cat for another second. I have brought you the ball. Would you please be so kind as to put it somewhere Selina won't find it? Thank you, and good night." She curls up next to me and goes to sleep.
Selina: I HAVE AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT.
Me: Ugh. What do you want?
Selina: SOMETIMES THERE IS SOMETHING ON THE FLOOR AND I THINK IT'S ONE THING BUT THEN IT TURNS OUT TO BE SOMETHING ELSE AND I'M LIKE WOAAAAAAH WHAT IS THAT. BUT SOMETIMES THERE IS SOMETHING ON THE FLOOR AND IT'S EXACTLY WHAT I THINK IT IS, AND I'M LIKE DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG I'M SMART.
Selina: MORE NEWS WILL FOLLOW!
She runs out of the room at full speed.
A minute passes.
Motherfucker enters. Grumbles.
Me: "What's up?"
Motherfucker sighs and lays down.
Selina enters with a ball in her mouth: "WWK WHT I FND N TH FLR!!!! T STL WRKS!"
Motherfucker hops off bed and chases Selina out of the room.
I pack the last of my stuff for work. A different ball flies into the room, pursued by Selina. She still has the first ball in her mouth. "M S GD T THS!"
From the other room, Motherfucker grumbles.
A third ball slowly rolls into view.
Me: "I guess it's time to get more packing done."
Gooseface Killah: "I believe if you check the time, it's pet a Motherfucker o'clock."
Me: "Sorry, cat. I have work to do."
Goose Villanch: "Before you go, I believe it's time we discussed your lord and savior, my belly. If you do not rub it, it will strike you down."
Me: "Cat, give me some space. You are totally Selinaing right now."
Tougoose-Lautrec: "I did not give you permission to slander me in such a way. I shall now follow you around the house, jumping in every box you create."
Me: "Cat. You are In My Way."
Goosetina Aguilera: "What a goose wants, what a goose needs, Whatever makes me happy and WHY ARE YOU CLOSING THE BOX ON ME."
Me: "Now you're a genie in a bottle, kitten."
Box shuffles back and forth on the floor.
Goose Bigalow, Cat Jiggle-o: "Please let me out of this box. Please?"
Me: "Only if you grant me wishes, you hyperactive dust mop."
Punky Gooster: "Please?"
Selina: "Human you are home! We have missed you and are starving!"
Me: "Your bowl is filled beyond capacity with food."
Selina: "We have missed you and are thirsty?"
Me: "Your water bowl is half full."
Selina: "We have missed you?"
Me: "Ok, let me go put my stuff down before I pet you."
Selina: "The thing is. I didn't think you were ever coming back."
Selina: "But you did. Yay!"
Rubs head against shins.
Me: "What did you do when you thought I was never coming back?"
Selina: "Nothing. Nothing much."
Motherfucker meows sarcastically.
Selina: "Ok. I threw up on your bed."
Selina: "But I felt bad about it. I remembered that you have left the house before, and always come back eventually. So I felt bad. About vomiting on your bed. So I knocked over your laundry bag and put a pile of socks over the vomit. To clean it up! "
Me: "Fucken cat."
Selina: "Look, I knocked over the paper towel roll first, but they don't work right. They got all torn up while I was trying to separate them. So. Socks."
Me: "You're the worst."
Selina: "Wait. Did I say *I* vomited? I meant The Dog did it."
Me: "He did not."
Selina: "He DID! And then I heroically covered his puke with your socks."
Me: "That is definitely cat food puke."
Selina: "HE'S BEEN EATING OUR FOOD?"
Me: "Nobody likes you."
Selina: "Motherfucker loves me."
Selina: "I am glad you are back. You may pet me now."
I wake up to a rustling sound under my bed. I hiss, which nearly always gets the cats to stop what they're doing and run out of the room. The rustling stops. Then starts up again. I hiss. This time, there is no pause.
I turn the light on. The rustling continues. I open the bedroom door, thinking one or both of the cats want to go out.
I look into the kitchen. Both cats are in a single chair, hanging out.
"Motherfucker. Mouse patrol."
I have never said this to her before. We don't have a massive mouse problem, but the temperature has just changed, and they sometimes find their way in.
Motherfucker always comes into the room when I say her name, so I'm not expecting much when she hops off the chair. Except that, instead of climbing on the bed as usual, she darts underneath and comes out with the mouse in her mouth in about four seconds. She follows me to the living room. I open the door to the porch, where she has never gone.
"Drop it out there."
She does. Then she follows me back to the room, hops on the bed and starts purring. After a few minutes the rustling sound starts again, but this time it is Motherfucker, licking a plastic bag, which is the only reward she ever seems to require