Honest Conversation Is Overrated
Actual Human Interactions Witnessed Or Overheard
In Twentieth And Twenty-First Century America
In Twentieth And Twenty-First Century America
October 31st, 2015
One of the things I'm most grateful for about my job is that I never learned about grading and pricing collectible comics. There are some very sweet, kind people who collect golden and silver age comics but they are far outweighed by hagglers, thieves, jackasses, and time wasters.
Today, a haggler I recognized from my days at another comic book store was actually pushing my very patient coworker to the point of exhaustion.
Haggler: So how much for this pile?
Patient Coworker: I took twenty percent off, so it's $65.
H: And this pile?
H: So, call it an even $150?
PC: No. It would be around two hundred dollars without the discount. so it's $165 altogether.
H: Right, but with my discount....
PC: With your discount, it's $165.
H: Can we knock it down to $160, so I don't have to worry about change?
PC sighs: Sure.
Haggler passes him a credit card.
PC: Well, since you never have to worry about CHANGE with a CREDIT CARD, it's $165.
H: I thought you said $160.
PC: That was when you told me you were paying in cash, and were worried about carrying around change. It's $165.
H: Hmmmm. Can I see the piles again?
I was debating whether to intercede when a customer by the manga section asked me if I'd read one of the Attack On Titan side stories.
Me: No, I know a little about manga but I haven---
Attack On Titan Guy: Well, I've been working on this fanfiction that crosses over with Fallout. See, there's all these alternate universes where the giant titan things fall out of the sky, and the marines have got to keep them from falling into the cities that can't handle them.
ALERT ALERT ALERT
AOTG: ...and then one of the marines falls in loves with one of the titans, or maybe he knew her before she became a titan because the titans used to be people before they transformed. Check it, Thunder booms across the sky. A child and his mother look to the heavens. Something is descending. Is it their destruction? Or is it their salvation?
THANK GOD, THE PHONE IS RINGING! Salvation. Salvation. Salvation.
Movie Ticket Guy Jay: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey.
Destruction. Destruction. Destruction.
Let's Go Away For A While You And I To A Strange And Distant Land Where They Speak No Word Of Truth But We Don't Understand Anyway
No, I didn't miss National Cat Day yesterday, there are too many ridiculous fake holidays to keep track of. I have enough trouble keeping track of the real ones.
Which reminds me: don't forget to turn your cocks back tonight for National Power Bottom Day. I haven't seen as many posts or pics about it today as I saw posts and pics of cats yesterday, but it's perhaps a more important holiday, as cats tend to view every day as National Cat Day, while power bottoms probably don't.
Today in Dumbass Shoplifters, a squirrely guy in his fifties asks if he can open two sealed back issues. He's been in my way for the better part of a half hour, so I tell him I'll open them for him.
Dumbass Shoplifter: "No, it's ok. I can open it."
I watch him open the two comics and switch the bags that they're in, occasionally checking over his shoulder to see how close I am watching.
Here's the thing. All of the back issues that he had access to were under $20, so even though I hadn't seen the prices beforehand, his profit for whatever ruse he was trying to pull was going to be potatoes too small to make a single french fry from.
DS: "I'm ready."
I walk over to the counter and take the book in his hand. It says "$10, crease on cover".
I ring it in.
Me: "Can I see the other book."
DS: "Huh? Oh, yea. Of course."
This one is marked "$8", so this guy is trying to save two dollars. Except, of course, he's handed me the more expensive bag. And I know he's switched them because the creased covered book is in the $8 bag. So now he's going to pay two additional dollars for the comic that he didn't even want.
Me: "That'll be ten dollars."
DS: "Ok. Thanks."
I start typing this entry, and he hurries out the door.
DS: "Thanks. Have a good day. I...OH MAN!"
I wait for him to come back inside and tell me that he's made a mistake, but he doesn't. He sucks up what is probably in his mind a four dollar loss.
A customer was purchasing the final volume of Marvel Now's Deadpool, which I was unable to find in the computer. After scrolling for a bit, I found it.
Me: "I see what happened. Somebody missed the first 'e' in 'Deadpool'.
Customer: "Heh. Dadpool. He probably has the Dadbod to go with it."
Random Loiterer: "I think you just found your new Halloween costume."
Customer: "Yea! And I can dress my kid up as Kidpool."
Random Loiterer: "Don't forget to give me credit."
Customer: "I don't have a kid, guy. I was being sarcastic."
Peanut Butter, Silver Shoes
While discussing with my coworker how the effective bait for mouse traps has been misrepresented for decades in cartoons because cheese presents better in animation than peanut butter.
"In many ways, cheese is the ruby slippers of mouse genocide."
I Do My Fair Share
Random Customer: "I have to go eat cheese because there are people in this world who deprive themselves of cheese, and someone needs to pick up the slack."
October 24th, 2015
There is a kid in this store LOSING HIS MIND that the residents of Gotham can't figure out that Bruce Wayne is Batman.
"LOOK AT HIS CHIN! IT'S SO SHARP!!!! HE'S BATMAN! HE'S BATMAN! HE'S BATMAN!"
I wonder if he just finished eating an entire box of Lucky Charms.
Two loiterers in the hallway are talking about coming into the store.
Loiterer #1: I can't even go into the store. There's a guy in there who totally hates me.
Loiterer #2: Oh, I'm sure he doesn't Hate You.
L1: He does, though.
Partially to see who they are, and partially to fuck with them, I craned my head into the hallway really slowly, while smiling maniacally.
L1: AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!! Oh my god.
Me: I don't hate you. I don't even know who you are.
L1: You aren't who I was talking about. I swear. It's the older guy with the glasses and the afro.
Me: My Boss hates you?
Me: What did You Do?
L1: I DON'T KNOW.
Look, I get annoyed fairly frequently, and while I don't have the energy to hate a lot of people, I do understand that my annoyance can be read as hatred, but to get My Boss to act like he hates you, you have to do something Severe.
I wanted to take a picture and ask My Boss later, but I let it go.
They didn't come into the store. Which makes me wonder, why did they bother even coming into the building?
An Uncomfortable Block
Driving through the town where she grew up, my mother points out houses, forgetting what happened to me in one of them.
An uncomfortable block later, she says "That's the country club where we taught Adam to golf." and points to her left.
"That's a graveyard." I say
"And you parred every hole."
I come from a weird family.
October 04th, 2015
There is a woman who several years ago started calling me Chris. For a few weeks I corrected her, and then it wasn't important enough to me, so I just let her call me Chris. This only got confusing when she'd stop in the store and ask for Chris and was told "Nobody by that name has ever worked here."
Two years ago I corrected her and we had a long conversation and by the end of it, she was calling me Adam.
She disappeared for a bit, and when she resurfaced a few weeks ago shehad reverted to calling me Chris.
Today she came in and said "Hey Chris, I mean Adam. Why do you keep letting me call you Chris?"
"It doesn't bother me." I said. "I answer to everything."
"You shouldn't do that." She said. "But you do look like a Chris."
"I get that a lot. Also, Matt. People think I look like a Matt."
Her eyes got real big. "Nooooo. Matt's a gay name."
Now she's not allowed to call me anything.