Harvard Student #1: Ooh. Duck breast with orange risotto. That sounds good I'll have that.
Harvard Student #2: You can't eat duck, you're a pescatarian.
HS1: So? Duck is a fish?
Harvard Student #3: What?
HS1: A duck is a fish.
HS3: What are you talking about? A duck is a bird.
HS1: But...it goes in the water.
HS3: It's A BIRD. Oh my god. It flies.
HS1: There are flying fish.
HS2: How is this still happening?
HS1: There are.
HS3: Ducks are BIRDS not fish. I don't even ... How do you look at a duck and a fish and think they're the same species?
HS1: They hang out in water, though. They're fish. They swim.
HS3: My DOG swims, is MY DOG a fish?
HS1: I don't know. IS IT?
(At this point the server, Comrade, has to excuse themself to keep from belligerently laughing at them. By the time they return, things have calmed down, and HS1 orders the salmon.)
​
HS1 will grow up to be either a US Senator or a Republican Supreme Court nominee.

A couple of lowkey, youngish teenagers come in and begin walking around and checking prices on things.

About a minute later, a woman in a non-matching Canadian Tuxedo (washed light on bottom, dark on top) cawed into the store.

Canadian Tuxedo: "You wanna buy some squishamallows?"

Me: "I'm sorry, you're going to have to put on a mask."

CT: "No, it's fine. I've been vaccinated."

Me: "You still need to put on a mask."

CT: "No, I --"

Young Teenager #1: "Mom. Shut up and put on your mask or leave."

CT: "Touchy Touchy." She puts on her mask. "Squishamallows. I got a stack a squishamallows, I can get them  to you for cheap."

YT1: "Those are my squishamallows. They are not for sale."

CT: "Sure they are. They're like Beanie Babies, you got to get in and get out before they're not worth anything. I bet this guy would love to buy the whole stack of squishamallows."

Me: "Sorry. We're not buying squishamallows right now. Or ever, really."

CT: "Oh, you gotta buy squishamallows. They're the Next Big Thing."

I shrug.

CT: "We've got old manga, too. You need to buy any manga?"

Me: "Get me a list of what you have. If it's anything we need, we might buy it. But it won't be for much. Maybe $3 or $4 per book, most likely."

CT: "Oh no, these ones are worth a lot of money. You're gonna die when you see what we've got. They're so valuable. Mint condition."

Me: "Great. Get us a list and maybe some photos, and I'll let you know if we're interested."

CT: "Are you hiring?"

Me: "Nope."

CT: "Not even for the summer? Oh, it's not for me. I mean, no offense, but I've got a much better job. It's for my daughter. She's very experienced she's got five years experience working at IDUGjhDGF,jDfgMNF."

Her daughter is MAYBE 15, probably 14. She shouldn't have five years working anywhere.

Me: "We're not hiring at all."

CT: "Well, I can leave you my card. That will change in a few weeks. It gets busy in the summer, and you'll wish you had someone like my daughter working here."

Me: "Sure."

She sees that I have a box of food to my left. I had just had lunch dropped off when they'd shown up.

CT: "Oh, I didn't know you were eating lunch. I'm sorry. Is it from Bridge Pizza?"

Me: "No."

CT: "Do you ever order from Bridge Pizza?"

Me: "I'm not familiar with them."

CT: "Oh, they're the best. Two pizzas for $17. Large pizzas, not the small ones. And the people there are so nice. And it's local. You should be supporting local businesses, not ordering from chains and what not."

Me: "This is from Wrapture, which is about a block and a half that way. Very local."

CT: "Well Bridge is the best pizza in town. And they're gentlemen. Not like these other place, you know?"

Me: "Uh-huh."

CT: "When do you work?"

Me: "Constantly. There's no schedule though. I'm just here when I'm here."

This is a Complete Lie.

CT: "So if I come in in, say, a few weeks, you'll be here eating Bridge pizza and ready to buy our manga."

Me: "You never know."

CT: "Ok. Well, we've got to go. We don't need anything here right now. No offense."

Me: "None taken."

CT: "Last chance. A whole stack of squishamallows for a Very Reasonable price."

Me: "Thanks, but we're not buying squishamallows right now."

CT: "Hmph. Your loss."

The nearest place called Bridge Pizza is about a half an hour drive on the highway.

Kid Who Just Started Collecting Pokemon Cards: "Do you have any John Lennon cards?"

Me: "Um. No?"

Kid's Friend Who Knows More About Pokemon: "I think he means Charmeleon cards."

​Me: "Huh. That's definitely a maybe."

Random Pokemon Scalper: Do you guys have any Elite Trainer Boxes.

Me: Nope. Sorry. We sold out of them already.

RPS: Aw, man. I waited for a half an hour outside your other store for the girl to show up, and she only had two blue, and I need a blue and a red.

Me: That's not us. We don't have another store.

RPS: Huh. Oh! I saw your dad the other day.

Me: I don't think so.

RPS: Sure, I stopped in and your dad was working there.

Me: Nobody's dad works here. I think you've got the wrong store.

RPS: I talked with the older guy.

Me: I don't know who that is. We go as old as mid-40s here.

RPS: But your kids work there, right?

Me: Nope. No kids. I don't know who you talked to.

RPS: Huh. So you don't have any extra Elite Trainer Boxes for me in the back?

Me: I don't know who you are, so ... no. Sorry.

RPS: Ok. Bye Curtis.

​Me: Bye Stiffany.

It doesn't just happen to me. This is from a former coworker circa 2012:


Please note this wasn't a Comic Book Person being weird, this is just a weirdo who comes into a comic book store and is aggressively baffing to a specialty retail employee:

I Swear I wish I was making this sh*t up...

Rando: "Do you have Baaahhbeezze? I need a weddin days Baaahhbeeze."

Me: "Sorry, we don't carry Barbie Dolls"

Rando: "You got supthin against Baaahhbeezze?"

Me: "Nope, we just don't carry them here. We are a comic book store."

Rando: "My daughtah needs Wedding Day Baaahhbeeze"

Me: "Sorry, you might try Target or Toy's R Us."

Rando:"Ugh, Do I look like a Communist?"

Me: "I'm sorry?"

Rando: "Never mind... You think Booksmith has Bahhbeeeze?"

Me: "Probably not they are a..."

He turns around and walks out the door as I speak.

​I am going to start carrying a flask to work I think...

Today's been a pretty great day for customers. We've been making progress on some projects in the back, selling some action figures that have been in the store longer than there's been a store. Pretty great.

Phone rings.

Me: "This is Adam, how may I help you?"

Random Caller: "Hi, are you the owner?"

Me: "Nope. I'm the manager."

RC: "Could you do something about your car?"

Me: "Um. I don't have a car."

RC: "The Trek Truck."

Me: "I don't know what that is."

RC: "Every day it's either parked in front of your store or in front of the health food store across
the street. I think it's part of your electronics department."

Me: "Nope. We don't have any trucks or an electronics department."

RC: "Are you sure? I see it there all the time."

Me: "It's not us. I don't know whose truck it is."

RC: "What are they doing there?"

Me: "I don't know."

RC: "There's two men in it sometimes. Adult men. Grown men. Do they work for you?"

Me: "Nope."

RC: "Why are they there, then?"

Me: "I don't know. They're not associated with our store in any way."

RC: "This is so weird. I need to know who they are."

Me: "Ok. Good luck."

RC: "Where did they go?"

​I hang up the phone.

We've been waiting for an email from Comrade's Aunt Wendy about a couple of night stands she might want to give to us. A few minutes ago, Comrade said "Oh, her email got caught in my spam folder. Oh. This is Not From Aunt Wendy."

***************************************

From: Wendy <dymeev.83@crocodisc.com>
Date: November 1, 2020 at 7:45:57 PM EST
To: "Comrade" <Comrade@hotmail.com>
Subject: You're not leaving here until I suck your dick.
I am Ksenia. Everything I really need – it is to bring an end to this dull solitude, I need unique feelings: I can't be alone further. At the moment, I went through a range of a problem days, and I need a assist. I can give you anything you want: my delightful new tits, my impressive body figure, and many other things! Discover this inside my profile. I am willing to lick you!

*************************************

My reply: So I guess we're only getting a One Night Stand?

It's been incredibly hot in the apartment (no AC, just a bunch of fans of various sizes), and today Comrade and I were both feeling particularly lazy. Like most people, when we get hot and lazy, our vocabularies dwindle, andwe communicate through vague nouns and random hand gestures.

He was working at his desk making a Pokerarium while I was confirming that just because I really enjoy most of Jonathan Hickman's Image work doesn't mean his Avengers run wasn't a tedious drizzle of continuity porn disguised as an interesting event comic.

One of the giant fans was pointed at him and his desk. The other was pointed at me on the bed.
Comrade got up and headed over to the bed, so we could watch the last Capaldi episode of Doctor Who on my continuity ("Twice Upon A Time" doesn't exist, after it aired it was eliminated from the time line so no one would ever have to suffer through it again).

Comrade: "S'hot."

Me: "Oh yea. Hot."

He goes to lay down. I point at the fan. "Uhhhh. Hot?"

He squints at me.

"Hot." I say. Point at the fan, and then make a twirling gesture.

Comrade turns around and begins to shimmy as some form of erotic dance. After about ten seconds, he smiles and begins to lay down.

"That was great." I say. "But could you turn the fan around so we don't get too hot while we watch the show?"

He turns the fan around "I. Am. Mortified." 

"And hot." I offer.

​"Mortified."

Today's typo for the ... long stretch of time ... I got an Ebay message that said "Tit will be for Spawn booms."

I had to stare at it for about thirty seconds to realize that they were trying to communicate that they'd sent me money and "It will be for Spawn books." which is a totally logical and accurate statement.

​But I'm thinking of ending all conversations now with "Tit will be for Spawn booms. McFarlane be with you."

​If you were wondering what sort of people were out and about and going into stores today, Yes. Those People.

One Of Those People: "I didn't know you opened a store down here."

Me: "Oh, we're our own store. Did you visit our old location down the street? We moved here a year ago."

OoTP: "I go to your Harrison's store."

Me: "Oh, that's not us. That's another store. Harrison's."

OoTP: "Do you have plastic?"

Me: "Plastic bags? Plastic action figures?"

OoTP: "The medium ones."

Me: "Medium plastic bags?"

OoTP: "I'll know them if I see them."

I lead them over to the different sized bags we have.

Me: "These fit regular comic books. These fit some of the older comics, and these here will fit magazines. Are any of these what you're looking for?"

OoTP: "I need the ones that will fit my nieces and nephews' drawings. I can't tack them to the wall anymore. I'm all out of thumbtacks. And wall."

Me: "Ah."

OoTP: "I just moved into a new place because they wouldn't let me stay in the last one because of the holes in the wall. And now, POOF. POOF! No more walls."

Me: "Oh, of course. About how big are they?"

They move their hands as wide as they go.

Me: "Oh. I don't have any bags THAT big.

OoTP: "That's ok. I just wanted to show them to you. I ordered mine from your other store. You guys have too many" they wave their hands "comics and things. Not enough bags."

Me: "Ah. Ok."

OoTP: "I'm not trying to be mean. I like your store. It looks nice. You should close it down before the looters come."

Me: "Of course. You always want to shut down before the looters show up."

OoTP: "Do you know how long your other store takes to get my bags?"

Me: "Um. How long ago did you order them?"

OoTP: "A week ago."

Me: "I'd give it two more weeks. Unless they call you."

OoTP: "What about the looters?"

Me: "You're right. You should stop in today, just in case they came in."

OoTP: "That's a good idea. Thank you. Have a good day."

Me: "Yeup. You, too."

They left without buying anything.