Yesterday was Dude's birthday. As we've had almost every day so far this year, hanging out at home or going out, he didn't want to make a big deal out of it. So I ordered him a cookie cake from Perpetually Stoned Cookies.
I ordered the cake at three. Our store closed at eight, then I made my way to the cookie store.
Me: Hi. I'm here to pick up a cookie cake.
Stoned Employee 1: Sorry, those take an hour to make.
Me: That's ok. I ordered it over five hours ago.
SE1: Yes, but they take an hour.
Me: So. If I ordered it five hours ago, it should be ready.
SE1: What? You need to order them from our website.
Me: I did.
SE1: Then you have to wait an hour.
Me: Yes. I ordered one, online, at three. It's 830 now.
SE1, to the back room: DO YOU HAVE ANY COOKIE CAKES READY?
SE2: THEY TAKE AN HOUR.
Me: I ordered one five hours ago?
SE2: Your should order it online.
Me: I did.
SE2 walks into the back.
SE1: Umm. Do you want some cookies instead?
SE2: I definitely don't have any cookie cakes ready. I could make one but it would take---
Me: About an hour? Yes. That's ok. I don't have an hour.
SE1: I'll just give you some cookies instead.
Me: Okay. Could I have two chocolate chunks.
SE1: We're out of those.
Me: O....k. Two M&Ms?
SE1: We only have one left.
Me: Big rush tonight?
Me: Two snickerdoodles?
Me: Two peanut butter cups.
SE1: DO WE HAVE ANY PEANUT BUTTER CUPS BACK THERE?
SE2: I JUST GAVE YOU A WHOLE TRAY OF THEM.
SE1: DID NOT!
Me: It's ok. I'll just have--
SE2: WE'RE OUT OF PEANUT BUTTER CUPS.
Me: What do you have left?
SE1: Sugar cookies.
Me: I guess I'll have four sugar cookies.
SE1 opens the cookie oven.
SE1: We're all out of sugar cookies.
Me, to the people behind me: Am I in a Monty Python skit?
Person behind me: What's a monkey python?
Me: Oh no.
SE1: I can give you four oatmeal raisin cookies.
Me: Of course you can. I'll just have four white chocolate macadamia cookies.
I take the box of cookies and order a Lyft, which arrives immediately. I go online and order a cookies and cream ice cream cake. On our third night together, I mentioned being irrationally angry at the existence of cookies and cream flavored Oreos. Dude claims that's when he knew he loved me.
I am scheduled to arrive home at 9:20. The cake is supposed to arrive at 945. Perfect, I'll make waffles for dinner (we got a waffle maker for Christmas because he thinks waffles are the perfect food, and I think they're ok), then the cake will arrive. At 910, my phone rings. They are, somehow, already at the house. I am in front of their store, which is five minutes away from my house. I call Dude.
Dude: Did you lose your keys?
Dude: Then why are you ringing the doorbell?
Me: That's not me. It's a delivery. Can you get it? I'll be home in a second.
Me: I --
My phone rings call waiting.
Me: Hold on a sec. The delivery guy is calling me.
Delivery Guy: I have your delivery. I'm outside.
Me: I'll be right there.
Delivery Guy: Umm. There's already someone here who says it's his.
Me: That's fine. You can give it to him.
DG: I thought you were going to pick it up.
Me: It's fine. That's my dudefriend. He can pick it up for me.
I click back over to Dude.
Dude: I have the food.
Me: I know.
Dude: Where are you?
The car pulls on to my street.
I hang up the phone.
I start to get out of the car. The delivery guy is turning around in the parking lot. Dude walks into the building. My phone rings.
Dude: Why did you hang up on me?
I knock on the door behind him.
Dude, hangs up his phone. "I thought you had your keys."
Me: I do!
Dude: Then why did you knock on the door? Nevermind. I hope this isn't dinner. I just made waffles.