When I say a name three times, and that person appears, it's called Beetlejuicing.
When I talk about how people who order Coronas from me have not tipped all night, and then three people in a row order Coronas from me, and only one tips, that's called Beetledouching.
One of the places I get lunch has two people working behind the counter. One has been there for years. The second is different every time I go in. Usual Person always remembers my order but never my name. But New Person Of The Day is always the one who makes my sandwich, so it ends up being different every time.
Today, while I waited to pay for my sandwich, New Person came up to the register with a ticket order and announced "I am The Shit."
The Register Person sighed and said "No. He's not The Shit. He's just Shit."
The sandwich was good, though.
Your 2020 campaign slogan is: Your last name + 2020 + the last text you sent.
Stone 2020: I'm not as violent as people assume.
Comic fan prejudices come and go, as series evolve, are cancelled, change writers or artists. There is no one type of Thor fan, or one type of Giant Days or Steven Universe fan.
Even at the apex of Bronyism, there were wonderful people and children who enjoyed reading "My Little Pony" comics. And while there are some people who read a bunch of comics, which also include "Buffy The Vampire Slayer", Buffy comic fans have been consistently The Worst for over a decade now. (Buffy TV fans are a wide spectrum, and I don't see them as One Type Of Person, whereas "I only read Buffy" comics fans have all been Exactly The Same.)
Today a woman came in making a face like she farted but really wanted you to believe that it wasn't her.
Buffy Fan: "You don't have Buffy comics."
Me: "We do. Are you looking for issues or collections?"
BF: "I'M LOOKING FOR BUFFY."
Me: "Yes. Ok. Well, we have issues over here, and then some collections over there."
I walk away. Quickly.
BF makes a ton of faces at the books, and then says "Do you sell plastic things to put books in?"
Me: "We sure do." I lift one out of the drawer in front of me to show her.
BF: "I need them because everyone in LA always touches all of your stuff."
BF: "They stole my cell phone once, and I never got it back. And once, they touched all of my Diet Cokes! All of them! And then they PUT THEM BACK."
BF: "And my bananas. MY BANANAS."
Me: "You're bananas."
BF: "I'll be back."
Me: "I don't doubt it."
Then she left. Without buying anything.
Selina: I HAVE AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT.
Me: Ugh. What do you want?
Selina: SOMETIMES THERE IS SOMETHING ON THE FLOOR AND I THINK IT'S ONE THING BUT THEN IT TURNS OUT TO BE SOMETHING ELSE AND I'M LIKE WOAAAAAAH WHAT IS THAT. BUT SOMETIMES THERE IS SOMETHING ON THE FLOOR AND IT'S EXACTLY WHAT I THINK IT IS, AND I'M LIKE DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG I'M SMART.
Selina: MORE NEWS WILL FOLLOW!
She runs out of the room at full speed.
A minute passes.
Motherfucker enters. Grumbles.
Me: "What's up?"
Motherfucker sighs and lays down.
Selina enters with a ball in her mouth: "WWK WHT I FND N TH FLR!!!! T STL WRKS!"
Motherfucker hops off bed and chases Selina out of the room.
I pack the last of my stuff for work. A different ball flies into the room, pursued by Selina. She still has the first ball in her mouth. "M S GD T THS!"
From the other room, Motherfucker grumbles.
A third ball slowly rolls into view.
Bro #1: "Bro, did you see Endgame, bro?"
Bro #2: "Yea bro."
Bro #1: "Were you crying, bro?"
Bro #2: "Bro, my brother had to hold me the whole time, bro. Snot driblling down my face."
Ever since the idea popped up in my memories a week or so ago, I've been carrying my cats' favorite toy, the laser pointer, with me at all times.
Today, I successfully used it to lead a customer to The Umbrella Academy trades when they were having problems with directions.
"Just. Yea. See the red dot? Right there."
Overly Protective Christian Mom comes in with her twentyish year old daughter, and is looking around for comics. She fits the stereotype of busybody concerned more with image than action. She almost definitely voted for Trump.
After a few minutes she comes up to the counter with a couple of books of Kitaro, a Shigeru Mizuki book. "Believe it or not," she says "these are for me."
"Ah." I say. Believing it.
Then she asks her daughter if there's anything she's interested in.
"I think I'm going to buy a book myself." The daughter says.
"No." says the mom. "You need to read more. I'll buy your books."
The daugher sighs. "No, thanks. I can afford a book."
"Can I see that --- HUHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!! THAT BOOK IS ABOUT THE DEVIL."
"No." The daughter says. "It's about a band. The band is called Beelzebubs."
"THAT'S THE DEVIL'S NAME. YOU CAN'T BUY A BOOK WITH THE DEVIL'S NAME. DIOS MIO. We are going to have to watch the movie again when we get home."
The daughter pinches her brow to fight off what, I imgaine, is a common headache for her. "No. Mom. It's a book about a band. A book that I'm going to buy. It's jokes. It's not a devil book."
"No daughter of mine is going to buy devil books. you put it back. Now. Put it back. We'll have to watch the movie twice now."
What fucken movie is she talking about?
They walk around, separately for a few minutes before the mom re-approaches the counter. "Do you have any books with folk tales?"
"Well, there is an excellent series based on adapted European folk tales, but I don't think you'd be too keen on buying Hellboy."
Every month, Diamond Comics sends in secret shoppers to try and buy unreleased comics. They're given a sort of script, and instructions on where to take pictures with their phones.
And every month the people who do it are slightly stupider than the previous month.
I usually spot them taking pictures of the window before they come in. As I did today.
Me, as the secret shopper entered: "Hi. How are you today? Can I help you find anything?"
This week's Guy Trying To Make A Buck At The Expense Of Retailers: "Wow. Your store is small."
GTTMABATEOR: "Do you sell new comics?"
Me: "Of course. Are you looking for anything in particular?"
GTTMABATEOR: "Um. Let me. Uh. Yes. But. Hold on."
He goes into the corner and scrolls through his phone.
GTTMABATEOR: "Do you have Detective Comics #1006?"
Me: "Unfortunately, that doesn't come out until tomorrow."
GTTMABATEOR: "It doesn't? Oh. Oh no. Um. What about Action Comics #1012?"
Me: "That also doesn't come out until tomorrow. Is there anything else you're looking for?"
GTTMABATEOR: "Yea. Um. Hold on. Let me."
Walks back into corner to scroll through his phone.
GTTMABATEOR: "Do you have a TV for customers to watch?"
GTTMABATEOR: "So, if I wanted to watch. Like. Ok. Marvel or DC movies. Where are they?"
Me: "Movie theaters. You can probably buy the DVDs at Wal-Mart, or just stream them on Netflix. We don't sell DVDs here, though."
GTTMABATEOR: "Ok, um."
Corner. Phone. Scroll.
GTTMABATEOR: "After DC and Marvel, what would you say is the biggest comic book company?"
That's a new question.
Me: "Image Comics actually sells better here than DC or Marvel."
GTTMABATEOR: "Like Spawn?"
Me: "No. We haven't sold an issue of Spawn in nearly a decade. But Saga by Brian K Vaughan, and Walking Dead by Robert Kirkman are just a couple of our huge sellers from Image Comics."
GTTMABATEOR: "Ok. What's your name?"
GTTMABATEOR: "And how tall would you say you are?"
Me: "I would say I am 5'4"." (I'd be fucken lying, but that's what I'd say if you asked me. I really hope he includes that in his report.)
GTTMABATEOR: "Ok. I'll be back."
Me: "Great! Have a wonderful day."
That secret shopper who came in last week just filed his report:
Were the store hours posted, or did you have to inquire about them? Posted (Truth!)
"GENERAL INFORMATION" COMMENTS ABOUT THE LOCATION:
The exterior of the building was clean. There was no debris anywhere on the floor. The exterior showed the building sign from the window. There was no debris anywhere on the ground at the store front. (Guess who happened to vacuum that day.)
1. Were you greeted when you entered the location? Yes
1a. If YES, please specify what was said. The employee said hello to me. (I said "Welcome." actually.)
1b. Please specify how long it took to be greeted (from the time you entered the location). 0-10 seconds (Damn right.)
2. Was it easy to figure out where the new releases for the week are located? No (it's only the entire back wall of the store.)
3. Please specify the titles of the comic books you were to find. Detective Comics #1006, Action Comics # 1012
5. Were these specific title(s) and issue(s) available on the shelves? No (NOPE!)
5a. If NO, was an employee able to find a copy for you? No (because they weren't yet available for sale)
5B. PLEASE SPECIFY WHAT THE EMPLOYEE SAID.
The employee told me that they were not in but would be in the next day. (Yep.)
6. If applicable, please specify where it was located. N/A: It was unavailable (Yeup.)
7. Was the employee who assisted you friendly? Yes (Poisonously so.)
8. Was the employee who assisted you helpful and focused on you? Yes
...Name: Adam (Yep)
...Sex: Male (Yep.)
...Height range: 5'8" (Hahahahaha, Halfway between the truth and the lie that I told him.)
...Age range: 40's (Yep.)
...Other distinguishing characteristics: N/A
9. Did the employee wear a uniform or a name tag? Neither (Correct.)
12. Were you thanked and/or given a sincere parting comment? Yes. As I left out of the store, I was given a parting remark from the employee. I was not thanked. (Thanked for what? He didn't buy anything. I told him to have A Wonderful Week.)
DESCRIPTION OF THE STORE LAYOUT:
This store was compact. It was closed and the displays were spaced in but you could still walk around the store. There were no TVs, gaming tables, but had the POS system near the entrance or exit area. I had to really find the new comic area. (IT'S AN ENTIRE WALL OF THE STORE.)
I did not identify as a secret shopper by the employee and I did not feel like he knew what I was up to. I would still recommend to people I know because it was loaded with comic books. The employee was helping when I needed help (Sorry, dude. I smelled your secret shopperness a mile off. You took over two minutes taking pictures of the front of the store.)
There is an unstable old lady who comes in every couple of months to ask me what time the copy shop is open, and to "steal" the free comic previews we keep by the door.
I think she gets a thrill from stealing, and, thusfar, she has only gotten far enough into the store to get her hands on the pile of giveaway comics we have by the door.
If you tell her a thing is free, she shakes her head, and sighs.
For the last couple of weeks, we've had a ton of promotional mugs for The Dead Don't Die. She noticed them immediately, and asked how much they cost. They're free, but I lied, and told her they were $10.
Unstable Old Lady: "Ten dolars that's very reasonable, I have a grandon who's ten. He likes ninjas but not ninja turtles. Is there anything I could buy for him? It has to be something good. He gets so mad when I give him the wrong things."
"I don't have any ninja books right now." I make a big presentation of looking at the all age stuff, as I hear her stuff one of the mugs in her tote bag.
UOL: "I wish Staples made copies."
Me: "They do. They have a copy center. As you walk in, it's on the left.
UOL: "They don't do copies, though."
Me: "They do. There are four or five machines where you can make copies yourself, or you can give them the originals and they'll make copies for you. Unfortunately, they closed at six tonight."
UOL: "They don't do copies, though."
Me: "Oh. Ok. They make copies for me. They must like me."
UOL: "Why aren't they open across the hall?"
Me: "They are closed on weekends in the summer. Their hours are posted on the door, if you want to check."
UOL: "What time do they open?"
Me: "You'll have to check the hours posted on the door. I don't know what time they open."
UOL: "How come?"
Me: "I'm new."
UOL: "Ok. Well, I will go and try and find another place to make copies. But I'll be back to buy more ninja books for my nephew."
UOL: "Hi Brandson. I'm Olivia. Nice to meet you."
Me: "Certainly a pleasure."
She eyes the mugs again, then looks at me. "Goodnight Brandson."
Me: "Goodnight, Olivia."