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I'm playing my Daft Punk mix in the store, and a guy just chased his girlfriend around the store, speaking along to "Technologic", while she just kept asking questions "Why are you doing this? How do you know the words? What is this? Can you stop?"
He smiled as he chased her out of the store. They left without buying anything, but I was, at least, amused.
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I just accidentally frightened everyone in the store when the phone rang.
Scammer: "I need to speak to whoever handles your electric account." Me: "Fuck. You." Entire store turns towards me. Me: "It was one of those phoney electric company scam calls." Relieved Customer #1: "Oh my god, I get those calls, like, three times a day. I hate them." Relieved Customer #2: "Yea, I know not to answer a call from a number I don't know, but I'm just afraid I'll miss an important call." Me: "Well, our phone is from ... 1991 ? So it *had* a caller ID screen but it doesn't work anymore." RC 1: "So you have to answer the phone every time?" Random Customer #3: "Do you get hazard pay for that?" RC 2: "It sounded like he had the situation well in hand." Random Customer, upon purchasing a couple of back issues: "The demise of Mad Magazine has to be the saddest news of the year."
Completely Correct Teenage Daughter: "Really, Dad? The saddest news of THIS year? I want you to think about that. Because if that's your opinion, I'm never talking to you again." RC: "The saddest publishing news." CCTD: "No. The saddest publishing news is that the media is filled with a bunch of Nazi-enabling cowards." The rest of the transaction took place in Absolute Silence. If you are going to stand outside my window at 7AM, loudly and slowly delivering a five minute soliloquy about how great your kids are for cleaning their rooms, and there are no kids anywhere near you, giving off the impression that you are either practicing your speech, or else you are standing right next to my bedroom window, making a phone call, and you feel the need to pre.cise.lee. are.tick.you.late "Lawwwwwwwwwwwwv. Yuuuuuuu. Buy-eeeeeeeeee." Then I am going to sarcastically, loudly ,and precisely, say "Buy-eeeeee. Lawwwwwwwwwwwv. Yuuuuuuuuuuuuu." right back.
On my way out of the CVS, I got stuck in a terrible 1980s SNL sketch, as an entire family of Russian tourists stopped in front of the exit to look at the tiny energy drink refrigerator.
Russian Dad: "Look at all the different colored Bulls, Helga. Is red bull, and yellow bull, and green bull, and purple bull." Helga: "I think is blue bull." RD: "Ok. Blue bull. And orange bull. There is purple!" I eventually made my way through them, and out the door, only to discover I'd accidentally purchased Ultra Red "Flavored" Monster, instead of the Pipeline Punch, I'd intended. It tastes like being stuck behind a group of tourists. Their nationality is not important. We have two sets of customers that we like, each of whom have kids. And the kids, like all kids, are complicated genetic hormone puzzles. They're often great but sometimes get sad and unruly.
Today, while they were both in the store, one of the kids wanted a toy that the parent wasn't going to get, and the kid went from reasonable to a screaming mess of emotions in less than three seconds. I mention this, not to shame the usually awesome kid, but because of how hard I laughed when, after the screaming child left, the other unrelated parent pumped his fist in the air and went "Not mine! This time." ***** As fist pumping parent left, he bought his child, and his neices/nephews each a book. As they were leaving, his child shouted "I WANT TO READ MY BOOK." "Why did you shout that?" He asked. "We were the good ones. Don't you want to be the good ones?" And his child whispered. "Sorry. I want to read my book. I'm very excited." Person standing next to a very nice bicycle: "He went over the handlebars and everything. It was awful. Blood everywhere. He's crying. But now I got a new bike. Hope somebody called an ambulance for him."
My dad asked me what I was listening to on my headphones last night while he and my stepbrother were watching Hogan's Heroes.
"Oh, I'm editing some Prince albums." "I never liked Prince," my dad, who doesn't listen to many artists whose careers started after the early 1970s, says. "He didn't look right .. too many hats ... too much purple ... flamboyant. He was too flamboyant looking." "But he's an amazing musician." My dad makes a stink face. "Have you seen his guitar solo for 'While My Guitar Gently Weeps' at the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame?" He had not. Now he has. Verdict? "Ho shit. Does he always play like that?" Me: "Not always. But often. And when he did, it was magic." I just saw a Pepsi at the 7-11 that read "Summer Now, Adult Later", and I almost pulled the entire display out, and threw them out the summery windows. But I had to be an adult, so I didn't.
Sometimes someone expresses an opinion so pretentious that I have to do research to find out why I disagree with them.
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