I spent 50 of the first 96 hours at the beginning of the month in the hospital battling Kidey Stones, and losing.
How would I describe my pain level?
A constant 2016, with occasional stabbing 2020s.
Favorite moments in the hospital include:
1.) Being constantly asked the same questions over and over. Yes, this is my name, yes this is my birthday, here is where the pain is, no I don't smoke, no I don't do "street drugs", no I don't smoke pot, no I don't drink (not since the Pandemic started), yes I feel safe at home, no my partner isn't abusive, yes I live in a house (weird order, right?), no I don't have any piercings, no I don't have any dentures, no I don't have any steel plates in my head or anywhere else in my body, no I've never had surgery before (again, you'd think saying no to this would rid the need for previouis questions), no I don't have most of this very long list of Covid symptoms but I have some because why else would I be here if I didn't either have pain vomiting nausea loss of a sense or am "not feeling well".
There were more questions that I'm forgetting, even though someone would ask me, write it all down, and then the person standing next to them would ask me the exact same set of questions again.
When I was readmitted to the non-Emergency floor, I was assigned the very same nurse and doctor who had admitted me on Tuesday, and they asked me the same questions. EXCEPT the nurse, specifically asked "do you have any bruises you received from your spouse?" I looked at my arm and said "Actually, right here I --- oh WAIT, YOU DID THIS TO ME."
She didn't find this funny but the doctor laugher her ass off.
(It's really not a bad hematoma, and is roughly 1/20th the size of the smallest one I had in Florida.)
2.) SEVEN TIMES someone pointed out that my last name was ironic and asked if anyone else had made that connection.
3.) The OR nurse losing her shit when the Anesthesiologist asked me "Have you ever been under anesthesia before?" and I answered "Does spending a week in an induced coma count?" "IS THAT HOW YOU SPEND YOUR VACATIONS, BOY, SWIMMING IN HOT TUBS UNTIL YOU COMA? I WANT TO PARTY WITH YOU!"
4.) I ended up in the same hospital room both times. I had it to myself for most of the first visit, with a brief interlude where A Definite Trump Voter with Dementia (which is a condidion you sort of need to have to be that fucken stupid) couldn't answer what year it is, but kept going on and on about how he'd built the biggest business in Billerica. Starting his company with just the money in his pocket and retiring when there were twelve employees.
SPOILER ALERT: There are many businesses in Billerica with more than twelve employees.
5.) For the duration of my second visit, I had an Iranian roommate who spoke reasonably good English but would ask for a translator when he didn't like a particular nurse. Also, whenever a nurse annoyed him he would let loose a series of comically loud, incredibly toxic farts. He was in the hospital for leg surgery, so the farts were clearly a warfare tactic, and not just a side effect of a particular food or medication. He also never farted, that I can tell, except when being annoyed by nurses.
6.) The pharmacy tech at the hospital who said "This perscription is for $50 worth of painkillers."
I nodded. "Yea, but they say I'm going to need them."
"You can get this exact medicine for $7 at CVS or Walgreen's. Whoever wrote you that prescription was not your friend."
She was right. And awesome.