Honest Conversation Is Overrated
Actual Human Interactions Witnessed Or Overheard
In Twentieth And Twenty-First Century America
In Twentieth And Twenty-First Century America
I have lightly ribbed my father over his embrace of Pandemic Socialism (he gets his food from the local high school. instead of buying his own groceries). But, for the most part we don't discuss his politics because they've decayed to terrible in recent years.
Today, he called, telling me about how his friends and neighbors hadn't received their stimulus checks, and he hadn't received his, and how he didn't understand what was taking so long. And, lo, last Friday a stimulus check arrived in his PO box, and he bragged to all of his more liberal neighbors about how Fecalface Sucksatgolf was making sure the people who supported him got their stimulus checks first (as if he could somehow now). You, Dear Reader, may have figured out that it was Not his stimulus check, but was in fact, My finger-on-nose, Clinton-voting stimulus check that arrived because that was the address I filed my 2018 taxes from last year. A few of his neighbors have since received theirs. His has not yet arrived.
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Sex Therapist, teaching a college class, after showing a video of The Incident: "Where do you think this interaction went wrong?"
Student #1: "Well, like, I assume that when A said 'At least I didn't sneeze on your back this time.' he was referring to a previous time where sex was ruined because he sneezed on B's back." ST: "We don't know that, though. There might not have been anything happening, sexually, when A sneezed on B's back. But maybe don't bring sneezing on your partner up while you're trying to be sexy unless they've mentioned that it's a turn on for them." The class nods. S1 takes furious notes. ST: "Anyone else?" Student #2: "Was it when A elbowed B in the face?" Many of the students make positive mmmmmm sounds, and there is more nodding. ST: "While being elbowed in the face is an uncommon fetish, it seems to have happened accidentally in this case, and B was not hurt or injured, just surprised to see an elbow that close up. So I think, in this case, while I wouldn't Reccomend elbowing someone in the face, that it's not, Necessarily where the interaction went wrong." Student #3 raises hand. ST: "Yes?" S3: "Was it when B said 'I'll take an elbow in the face over an Elmo in the face, any day?" ST: "That was a little odd, yes. And while I would say it was a contributing factor, it probably could been overlooked if ..." Student #2 oooh oooh ooohs and raises their hand. ST: "Yes?" S2: "It was when A said, in a creepily accurate Elmo voice 'Elmo's gonna stick his huge hairy erection in the eye socket of your rotting corpse.' and then laughed until he cried." ST nods. "That's it. Yes. There is no recovering from that. Using Muppet voices to deliver threatening sexual lines is ALWAYS a turn off, and you must wait at least forty-five minutes before you even think of saying anything mildly flirtatious again." S3: "Did A & B ever recover from The Incident?" ST: "Those two weirdos? They were making out before either of them had stopped cry-laughing." Today, while waiting for my ride to work, a guy with long hair, a pound of hallucinogens in his body, and no mask on, twirled for times in front of me, and asked me if I knew how to free the sun from its its its you know its thing that was you know free the sun.
When I shrugged, he danced away. Poorly. Comrade: "Do you realize how frequently you tell your cats to 'calm (their) tits'?"
Me: "Cats have lots of nervous energy AND lots of tits." When confronted with a potential minor argument, both Comrade and I do the "You're a--" repeating back the last word or phrase someone said.
While discussing why I buy certain types of foods for the cats, I came across the ultimate "You're a--" response, which I shall now use whenever someone tries to start small potato argument with me. Imaginary Person: "Your mashed potatoes are bland and runny." Me: "YOU'RE bland and runny." IP: "You're being a child." Me: "YOU'RE a nary tract infection." Me: "I wish I had written down the name of the artist who had the show at that diner in Central Square. I tried to look up his website, but it's not his website, or he hasn't paid for his domain recently."
Comrade: "You should call the restaurant and see if you can get his contact info." Me: "I don't think it's open. It's a diner that doesn't have a lunch menu." Comrade: "They took a delivery order while we were there. Someone ordered an omelet" Me: "Who would order eggs delivered? Cold breakfast foods are disgusting." Comrade: "Agreed." Me: "Hi, Diner? I''m a big fan of your business. I really like the way you cook food, I just wish it was colder. Could you slowly drive some to my house when you get a chance?" Silence. Me: "Oh my god. That's what all restaurant delivery is. 'I like your food. I just wish it was colder.'" Comrade: "I guess we're not ordering in tonight?" I shake my head vigorously. We stay in. Without buying anything. Just took a break from posting on Ebay to get something to drink and the Health Food Store across the street was playing "Don't Fear The Reaper".
I'm going home. ----Hand washing meme, except that someone accidentally puts "20 minutes" instead of "20 seconds", and instead of the lyrics to some generic song, it's just the sheet music to Rush's "2112".----
If you were wondering what sort of people were out and about and going into stores today, Yes. Those People.
One Of Those People: "I didn't know you opened a store down here." Me: "Oh, we're our own store. Did you visit our old location down the street? We moved here a year ago." OoTP: "I go to your Harrison's store." Me: "Oh, that's not us. That's another store. Harrison's." OoTP: "Do you have plastic?" Me: "Plastic bags? Plastic action figures?" OoTP: "The medium ones." Me: "Medium plastic bags?" OoTP: "I'll know them if I see them." I lead them over to the different sized bags we have. Me: "These fit regular comic books. These fit some of the older comics, and these here will fit magazines. Are any of these what you're looking for?" OoTP: "I need the ones that will fit my nieces and nephews' drawings. I can't tack them to the wall anymore. I'm all out of thumbtacks. And wall." Me: "Ah." OoTP: "I just moved into a new place because they wouldn't let me stay in the last one because of the holes in the wall. And now, POOF. POOF! No more walls." Me: "Oh, of course. About how big are they?" They move their hands as wide as they go. Me: "Oh. I don't have any bags THAT big. OoTP: "That's ok. I just wanted to show them to you. I ordered mine from your other store. You guys have too many" they wave their hands "comics and things. Not enough bags." Me: "Ah. Ok." OoTP: "I'm not trying to be mean. I like your store. It looks nice. You should close it down before the looters come." Me: "Of course. You always want to shut down before the looters show up." OoTP: "Do you know how long your other store takes to get my bags?" Me: "Um. How long ago did you order them?" OoTP: "A week ago." Me: "I'd give it two more weeks. Unless they call you." OoTP: "What about the looters?" Me: "You're right. You should stop in today, just in case they came in." OoTP: "That's a good idea. Thank you. Have a good day." Me: "Yeup. You, too." They left without buying anything. Comic collectors have, for decades, laughed at all those jamokes who were holding on to their Spawn comics, thinking they'd be worth money. But now that there's a toilet paper shortage, Who Is Laughing Now?
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