Honest Conversation Is Overrated
Actual Human Interactions Witnessed Or Overheard
In Twentieth And Twenty-First Century America
In Twentieth And Twenty-First Century America
Little Kid with dyed red hair and Suicide Squad t-shirt digs through the back issues.
Little Kid: "Dad, do you think they have Detective Comics #27 in here?" Dad: "I think if this guy owned Detective Comics #27, he's be living in The Bahamas." Me: "If I owned Detective Comics #27, The Bahamas would be Named After Me. " Dad beings to talk like an adult in a Peanuts Cartoon. "Waaaaaaaaaaah wahhhhhhhh waaaaaaaah wahhhhhhhh wahhhhhhhhh waaaaaaaaaaah. Right?" Me: "Shhhhh. I'm on Grand Stone Island right now getting an amazing..." remembers there is a child in the store "tan."
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Regular Customer walks into the store and starts picking up books and reading them.
The phone rings. Me: "Oh, hi. Yea." small talk small talk small talk "Yea, it's been pretty quiet here but we're up to the same dollar amount we're usually at, so I'm not going to complain. Yea. Are you enjoying it? Great. Yea. Well, we'll both be on The Cape." small talk small talk small talk "Well I hope you're enjoying your vacation. Ok. Yea, talk to you soon. Ok, love you too." Regular Customer drops book. Me: "Are you ok?" RC: "I didn't know you and Your Boss were that close." Me: "Huh?" RC: "Weren't you just talking to Your Boss about visiting him on The Cape?" Me: "No. That was My Mother." RC: "Oh. Yea, that makes more sense." Today's uhhhhhhoverheard at Problematic Pizza:
"Yea. No. It came and shit. Yea. No, it was in packed real subtle like. I don't know. Subtle. Like anonymous or something. Yea. Yea. Anyway, I took it out of the package already. Well, get this. The instructions were in fucken Japanese or some shit. I don't know. No. Definitely Japanese. No, it's ok, though. It's ok. It's o. k. See, there's pictures. Seriously, James? How are Pictures going to be 'in Japanese'. They're pictures. Yea. Yea. Well, I know how to use it now. I can read pictures Real Good. No I Haven't Tried It, I'm eating pizza at the....yea. Oh, trust me, as soon as I get home, it's going directly up your ass." I don't think I've smiled that broadly at a stranger in a long time. I'm working many hours between several jobs this week, so sleep is important. So much so, that after less than a minute of hearing a horrible sound emanating from the outside world, I just stepped on my porch, looked at the two dudes responsible and said "I don't know if you're letting the air out of a hiccuping Dachshund full of helium or if you're fingerblasting an annoyed seagull without its consent, but if you could please stop doing whatever is making that horrible noise so that I can get some seep, I'd be grateful. Otherwise, I'm going to throw wet toilet paper at you until you get the fuck away from my house."
Then I walked back inside the house. The noise stopped. Random Giggling Maniac: "Do you have a book with a Pokey Man on it?"
Me: "We might not right now. They're very popular." RGM: "I just need to know what one looks like." Me: "Well, there's hundreds of them. You'll have to decide which one you want to draw." RGM: "I want to draw The Pokey Man. The one all the kids are trying to catch." Me: "There isn't One. There are hundreds of them, and they look different, like animals look different." RGM: "But they all look like bugs or something?" Me: "Some look like mice. Some look like ducks. Some look like pigeons. Some look like dinosaurs. They run the gambit." RGM: "But the one people want." Me: "There isn't one. There are many. You'll have to Google them and pick one." RGM: "Aren't they all ghosts?" Me: "Sure." RGM: "What do they look like?" Me: "You're right. Ghosts." RGM: "Do you have any cardboard? I'm going to make a sign that says 'Pokemon Walker' to give the kids a laugh." Me: "Sure." I hand him some cardboard. RGM: "Are Pokey mons red or blue?" Me: "They're striped. Like zebra. Like zebra ghosts." RGM spends about ten minutes vigorously doing Something with markers on the cardboard. I am expecting some sort of exotically weird looking ghost zebra, but when he shows me the sign, it's just a child scrawl "Pokemon Walker" where "Pokemon" is actually spelled correctly with the proper accent, even, and then the word "Walker" is underlined multiple times. Despite him taking out several markers, it's all in black Sharpie. RGM: "I"m going to bring some smiles to some kids today." Me: "Sure." A couple who were on a dayte (intentional portmanteau) were having a fairly typical "What do you like? Oh, me, too." conversation when the woman started talking about Gertrude Stein, and the guy didn't know who she was.
Female Identified Person: "You don't know Gertrude Stein? You need to take a woman's studies class." Male Identified Person: "I'm in High School." FIP: "No." MIP: "Yea, I didn't tell you that?" Ooof. It was like 2006 hitting me in the gut all over again. Run, lady. Run for your sanity. Me to Bobby, discussing Those Who Ride The Night Winds, "This is the book that made me hate ellipses."
Bobby: "I've always hated ellipsies. This is the age of the semi-colon." Me: "Ehh. I never liked the semi-colon, either. I'm a full colon kind of guy." Then, I made prolonged eye contact with the queer couple down the bar who've been talking about Pokemon Go since I got here. Me to a three year old little girl who was throwing a tantrum because her parents wouldn't buy her "The I Spying Book" (Spy Vs Spy):
"I'm sorry. No one is allowed to cry in this store until they've worked here for at least a year. It's company policy." This baffled her into silence. Me to Bobby, discussing Those Who Ride The Night Winds, "This is the book that made me hate ellipses."
Bobby: "I've always hated ellipsies. This is the age of the semi-colon." Me: "Ehh. I never liked the semi-colon, either. I'm a full colon kind of guy." Then, I made prolonged eye contact with the queer couple down the bar who've been talking about Pokemon Go since I got here. Frequent Pain In The Everywhere: Are you open?
The lights are on. The door is open. The open sign says "open". I'm walking around the store doing inventory. Me: Yea. FPITE: You were the one who recommended I go to the Harvard Book Store for used books right? Me: That is very likely. And I'm sorry to all Harvard Book Store Employees. FPITE: You should go there. They have great books for pretty cheap. Me: I know. That's why I told you to go there. FPITE: I got some Spider-Man books there. You know how sometimes you give something up for a girl, and your family says you should give it up, but sometimes you have to get something for you because girls and family, right? Me: Sure. FPITE; Do you have a family? ME: Not since Crime Alley. FPITE: You have a soda. Me: I do. FPITE: Do you like Schwepps? I've never had it before but I hear some people complain and some people really like it. Me: Are you all set? FPITE: Is your computer working? I was here a couple of months ago and it had crashed. Me: It just got running again right now. FPITE: That's a long time. Me: Almost as long as this conversation. FPITE: I have to go home and hide my books so My Girl doesn't know. Right? Me: Sure. |
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