Look fifty year old Cambridge lady in a coat that costs more than my apartment, it is too early in the morning for me to have to listen to you chastise a barrista for "first world.problems" when the problem is that she is busy working and you are a rude, entitled Whole Foods shopping cliche. I won't apologize for rolling my eyes at you in front of a stranger because no one in this coffeeshop gives a toss about your feelings because I'm pretty sure you're the only person here who hasn't had the shitty job of being forced to smile politely and laugh at an awful person like you dozens of times a day.
Random Facebook User: "You don't know me but God directed me to send you a friend request."
Me: "I don't know which god is pissed at you but I'd advise you reevaluate your relationship before you make any more life decisions."
And then I denied the request.
Man, I thought my T9 typos were bad, this iPad is killing me.
I MEANT to ask dude if he was looking for a "potential distraction" between my work and going home and between his work and going home. Instead, my iPad asked if he wanted a "disappointing interaction".
Random Customer; "You guys are still using the Square."
Me: "Until we get the new computer,"
We both suppress laughter.
RC: "I'll go get cash then. Swiping my card into someone's cell phone is ridiculous."
Me: "Would it help if I plugged the square into my iPad?"
RC: "Yes, actually."
RC: "Yea, I've seen you use that thing. You are definitely not smart enough to be using it to swindle people."
I am going to go out and buy a new car on this brotherfucker's card.
I was going to make a post urging someone to come to the store and eat some of this toffee so that I wouldn't have to.
But I had to.
"Life is like a bad slam poem, you keep waiting for a turn that never comes."
"No. Life is like a bad slam poem. No matter how bad it sucks, someone is going to look you in the eye and say you were brave just to participate."
"Naw, bro. Life is like a bad slam poem, it's incredibly short but seems to last forever."
"That's some trite shit. Your simile is like a bad slam poem. Trite shit."
"Yea? Well, your dick is like a bad slam poem."
"Your breath is like a bad slam poem. It stinks, and most people don't care that it exists."
"Your mama is like a bad slam poem. Fucking her is funny at first but it always ends up sad in the end."
"Your dick is like a Louder Than A Bomb poem on iWPS finals stage. Everybody says it's cute but ain't no one got time for that shit."
"Your dick is like a misogynist slam poem. If it weren't for The Patriarchy, someone would have cut your shit off as soon as you opened your mouth."
"Yea, well your sex is like YOUR poetry. It was better when Saul Williams did it."
"That ain't right. Your sex is like a group piece. Too much choreography, and better as a concept than in practice."
"Your life is like a group piece. Your parents worked on it for nine months and it's been giving them disappointing results ever since."