Random Customer: "I'd like a medium strawberry Coolata and and dozen pumpkin frosted donuts."
Dunkin Donuts Employee: "Would you like any whipped cream on your Coolata?"
RC: "It's not even ten in the morning, it's way too early for whipped cream, now please give me my plastic cup of freezing sugar syrup so I can drink it while chewing these sugary pieces of dough that you've covered with orange food coloring."
I'm in the horrible pizza place of doom while laundry dries. The horrifically annoying guy behind the counter keeps trying to talk to me because he's driven all the other potential customers away.
Annoying Guy: It's 8-0. Think the Giants can come back?
Me: Well, they need a touchdown and a 2-point conversion to tie. It's possible.
AG: You're talking football. This is a baseball game.
Me: Well, given the score, maybe San Francisco should try and mix it up and play football.
AG: I don't know what to say to that.
Me: Does that mean you're going to be quiet for a while?
AG: Oh, hell no. Did you catch The Bruins game?
Random Idiot: Hey, do you deliver to University Place?
UPS Guy, carrying four heavy boxes down our stairs: Not me, personally. UPS does, sure.
RI: Do you know the area?
UPSG: Yea, a little.
RI: I have my taxes done at this place on the third floor of 20 University Place, but when I went there, I couldn't find the place. My mom used to go there for years, and I don't underst--
Me: Are you serious right now? This guy is carrying heavy boxes, call your tax guy on the phone and leave the rest of us alone.
RI: I just thoug---
Me: HEAVY BOXES.
UPSG: Thanks. Those people are everywhere today.
Me: I'm sorry. Usually those people tend to bunch up around here. I don't know who let them loose.
Eyes: This person looks familiar.
Ears: His voice is really familiar, too.
Eyes: And he's cute.
Brain: It's not someone I know. It's someone from a TV show.
Eyes: He has great eyes.
Brain: Oh! Oh, he looks like one of the characters from Please Like Me.
Heart: He's kind of flirting with us.
Brain: Which character, though?
Eyes: Arnold, duh.
Heart: Arnold is great! He's so sweet.
Brain: Arnold keeps having to be institutionalized because he can't handle romantic relationships.
Eyes: He's so cute, though.
Brain: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE REST OF YOU? THIS IS A BAD IDEA.
Penis: You kno --
Brain: YOUR INPUT IS NOT APPRECIATED.
Mouth: "I"m sorry, the store is about to close. If you want to get anything here you can---"
Brain: Watch your word choices, Mouth.
Mouth: "--buy it now but otherwise, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to head out."
Man smiles and starts to walk out of store. "See you, tomorrow."
Mouth: "I don't work tomorrow."
Random Dude leaves.
Brain: Seriously, Heart, how is it that every time The Eyes say "This person looks like they might be insane." you decide they're attractive?
Penis: Well, act--
Brain: I SAID, SHUT UP.
Random Dude #1: Do you know the name of the band that's playing?
Random Dude #2: No. But if it's not The Whitest Reggae Band In The World, they're missing out on an amazing marketing opportunity.
Random Idiot (not giving them credit even for being a loiterer): I wish you'd told me you wanted to buy comics when we were in JP. You shouldn't shop here.
Idiot's Friend: Why not? I shop here all the time.
RI: It's super corporate.
Me: I'm sorry. I don't mean to interrupt but this store is about as anti-corporate as you can get.
RI; No. It's owned by Wal-Mart.
IF laughs uproariously.
RI: It IS though.
Me: No. It's owned by a guy named Tony. He works in the store three days a week, you can meet him if you'd like. I assure you he does NOT work for Wal-Mart.
IF still laughing: Wal-Mart?
RI: One of my friends totally told me this was the Wal-mart of comics.
Me: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that's not us. I've heard some people say that about th place down the block because they're a chain. And they ARE a chain but they are totally not Wal-Mart. They are also owned by a pair of local guys. I don't think you can accurately call them corporate but I get why some people might accuse them. But us? We don't have uniforms, time clocks, a staff training manual. We're not corporate.
RI: But, like, are you sure you're not owned by Wal-Mart.
Me: I am SO certain that none of the comic book stores in Massachusetts are in any way associated with Wal-Mart.
IF still laughing: This is like that time you tried to convince me that The Garment District was run by Urban Outfitters. You need to stop smoking all that weed and listening to your idiot friends.
RI: Shut UP. They MIGHT be owned by Urban Outfitters. You don't know everything, Jason.
Me: I think you should listen to Jason.
They walk around for a bit, Jason occasionally laughing, RI scowling.
RI: OMG the new Lumberjanes! I'm going to buy it!
Me: Sorry, it doesn't come out until Wednesday. All the comics on that table are just out so I can count them and get them ready to put in subscribers' folders tomorrow.
RI: But you can sell it to me, right?
Me: Nope. Not until tomorrow. Sorry.
RI: But I want it. I'll just take it and leave three dollars on the counter, it won't be a thing.
Me: It will. It will be a stealing thing. Sorry, you can't get it until Tomorrow.
RI: This place sucks.
IF: Yea, totally. Want to wait for me at Peet's?
I resist mentioning that Peet's is TOTALLY a corporation and would probably be considered the Wal-Mart of coffeehouses if Starbuck's didn't exist.
IF: I am SO sorry. She's just really high right now.
Me: That's fine.
IF: For real, though, how much do I have to pay you to get that copy of Lumberjanes?
Random Customer: Why is Tintin in Tibet $11.00 when Tintin in America is only $10.99
Me: Well, it's imported.
"I can't believe the copy place is closed at ten o'clock on a Saturday night!" whines the Harvard Student with the lowest possible GPA.
An annoying voice constantly saying things like "You took it like a champ, bro!" and "You don't even know what kind of sauce to put on that anteeepastoh." is somewhat akin to brightly colored frogs: nature's way of telling you to steer as far away as possible.
Random Loiterer: "What is this book?"
Me: "It's called Smile. It's a book about a girl's life around the time she gets braces."
RL: "That's stupid."
Me: "Actually, it's very good. It's won a number of awards, and is often recommended by schools."
RL: "But it sounds stupid. What's this other book?"
Me: "Sisters. It's a follow-up about the relationship between the main character of Smile and her younger sister."
RL: "Everything these days is stupid.No wonder kids are stupid."
Rather than respond, I go back to doing work.
RL: "Can I leave these flyers here?"
Me: "What are they for?"
RL: "My church group is running a weekend retreat to promote Abstinence Education for teens."
Me: "Now THAT sounds stupid. You can leave some out there if you'd like but I'm just going to throw them away."
RL: "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were so judgmental."