Doordash: We've noticed you ordered a mixed greens, sweet potato, celery, and brown rice bowl. Would you like to add a corn dog rolled in Hot Cheetos?

Me: No. What?

Doordash: A corn dog rolled in Fruity Pebbles?

Me: Ewww. No.

Doordash: What if we rolled it in ramen noodle seasoning packets?

Doordash: Hello?

Doordash: Hello?

​Doordash: Are you still there?

Looking at a fancy menu.

Comrade: Did that say "crop dusted French fries"?

Me: Crab dusted.

​Comrade: Ok, that's not as gross but it is just as weird.

​I was too mad and confused to post about this last week, but here is why you should NEVER order groceries via Doordash, even if it seems like it would be much faster and more convenient than using your grocery store's app.

At 6:00 AM, I started putting an order together. We needed some basic things: juice, bagels, not butter, cereal, yogurt, nothing terribly exciting. I also put in some chips because you shouldn't even grocery shop online when you're hungry. I finished the order around 6:30, and DoorDash let me know that it should arrive around 8:30/9:00, which is totally reasonable.

As soon as your order is given to a dasher, DoorDash shows you a map that includes your location, the location of the store/restaurant you ordered from, and the location of the car that is supposed to bring you your groceries/meal. I was assigned a dasher within a minute. But for an hour and a half, their car did not move. And it was not anywhere near the grocery store. I sighed loudly, and clicked on the "get help" button on the Doordash dashboard.

DD: Hello, my name is <notabot>. We are sorry that your are currently being inconvenienced and will do everything in our power to help solve your problems this morning. How may I help you?

Me: Hello. I put in a grocery store order an hour and a half ago, and the dasher's car has not moved since they confirmed the order. I don't know if there is a problem with the app or the driver, but I wanted to check in make sure my groceries are on the way.

DD: I can see how that would be frustrating Mr. Stone. We are sorry you are currently being inconvenienced, and I will do everything in my power to help you solve your problems this morning.

Me: Thanks.

DD: Would you like me to contact the driver?

Me: Please.

DD: Thank you Mr. Stone, I have contacted the driver and there is currently no problem. Your order may arrive a few minute late. Is there anything else I can help you with this morning.

Me: Thank you. Could you tell me if the problem is with the app?

DD: I can understand how that would be frustrating Mr. Stone. Is there anything else I can help you with this morning.

Me: That didn't answer my question. Is the problem with the app? Has the dasher already started the order?

DD: I have contacted the driver. We are sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused. Is there anything else I can help you with this morning.

Me: Your answers aren't matching my questions at all. Are you a bot?

******Chat Closes*****

Oh dear.

I reopen the chat.

DD: Hello, this is <alsonotabot> how can I help you this morning?

Me: Is this a bot? The last "live operator" I chatted with turned out to be a bot and they closed my chat.

DD: I'm sorry. That sounds really frustrating. May I ask what the problem is this morning?

Me: I put in an order at 6:30, which is supposed to arrive between 8:30 and 9:00. It's almost 8:30 and the dasher is nowhere near the grocery store where I put the order in. Is there a problem with the app or is the driver just not doing the order?

DD: That sounds really frustrating. I will do everything in my power to help you this morning.

Me: That's what the bot said.

DD: I'm not a bot.

Me: Oh good.

DD: I have contacted the driver. It looks like they accepted the order, changed their mind, and couldn't figure out how to remove the order from their queue. I'm sorry. Would you like me to find you a new dasher?

Me: Please.

DD: Ok, Mr. Stone. I've reassigned your order. It should now be arriving by 10:30. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Me: What's the difference between a snow tire and a radial tire?

DD: I'm sorry?

Me: Just checking that you aren't a bot.

DD: I promise that I'm not a bot. But I also don't know anything about tires.

Me: Me, neither. Thanks for all your help.

******Chat closes*******

At 10:15, I receive a text from the dasher, a real human being. "The store is out of strawberry yogurt. Would you like a substitution?"

Me: No, thank you.

At 10:24: "The store is out of banana yogurt. Would you like a substitution?"

How is this person STILL in the yogurt section?

Me: No, thank you.

At 10:35: "The store is out of strawberry yogurt. Would you like a substitution?"

Me: No. If the store is completely out of yogurt, that's ok. I don't need any substitutions.

At 10:41: "The store is out of banana yogurt. Would you like a substitution?"

Me: NO.

At 11:00, my phone rings.

Dasher: "Hi, is this Insafemode?"

Me: "Yes."

Dasher: "Can you please tell the app that you do not want any strawberry yogurt? It keeps telling me you want strawberry yogurt."

Me: "Um. I've said no a few times now."

Dasher: "The app doesn't like how you said it."

Me: "I don't know how else to say 'no' other than 'no'."

Dasher: "Ok. I am going to be checking out soon, is there anything else you need?"

I debate asking the tire question, but this guy sounds frazzled. "No, thank you."

At 11:15. "The store is out of banana yogurt. Would you like a substitution?"

Me: No.

At 11:21. "The store is out of strawberry yogurt. Would you like a substitution?"

Me: NO!

Comrade wanders into the room, and I explain the Doordash frustration, and the yogurt issue.

Comrade: "Next time is asks if you would like a substitution, tell it cake?"

At noon, there is a knock on the door. It is the dasher, he hands me two plastic bags and says "I'm sorry, they didn't have the bags I liked." and he walks back to the car.

I carry the bags into the kitchen. Both grocery bags are filled with ice and water. One of them is ice, water, and a loaf of bread. One of them is ice, water, and a bag of Doritos.

Comrade: What the fuck?

Me: I don't know what's happening right now.

I go back to the front door.

Dasher: I tell them I need cold bags for your groceries. You have tipped very well, and I want to make sure you have great service, but they do not have cold bags, so I had them put ice and water in all of the bags so they did not melt while I drove them to your house.

I live a three minute drive from the grocery store. Also, I didn't order anything that needed to be frozen.

Me, grabbing a plastic bag filled with ice, water, and a jar of peanut butter, "Ok. Thanks."

The cat litter is, luckily, neither in a plastic bag, nor a bath of ice and water.

"I think this is all." the dasher says, handing me more soggy bags of groceries. "If I knew they did not have the bags I like, I would not have grocery shopped. But you are very nice."

Me: "Thanks."

As soon he drives away, I click the "Get Help" feature again.

It goes pretty much the same way as before, including a bot terminating the chat when I ask if it is a bot. But I do eventually reach a live person who has the appropriate response to:

Me: "and then the dasher showed up with plastic bags filled with ice and water. Each bag had one type of item floating in ice and water. Whether it was a carton of juice, a loaf of bread, or a jar of peanut butter."

DD: I'm sorry. What? That sounds really frustrating.

Me: Every plastic bag was filled with ice, water, and one type of grocery item. It was very strange. He was really nice. I want to make sure he gets his tip since it took him two hours to buy $100 worth of groceries, but I wouldn't match him with a grocery store order ever again.

DD: I'm sorry. That is an unusual situation. I am refunding your money for this order, and adding fifty dollars in credit. Is there anything else I can do.

Me: Are those credits going to arrive in a plastic bag filled with ice and water?

DD: No. Your credits will be dry and room temperature. I'm very sorry for the inconvenience. I have done everything in my power to help you today. Is there anything else I can do?

Me: Those last three sentences are exactly what the bot said.

*******Chat closes********

​12:35: "The store is out of banana yogurt. Would you like a substitution?"

Harvard Student #1: Ooh. Duck breast with orange risotto. That sounds good I'll have that.
Harvard Student #2: You can't eat duck, you're a pescatarian.
HS1: So? Duck is a fish?
Harvard Student #3: What?
HS1: A duck is a fish.
HS3: What are you talking about? A duck is a bird.
HS1: But...it goes in the water.
HS3: It's A BIRD. Oh my god. It flies.
HS1: There are flying fish.
HS2: How is this still happening?
HS1: There are.
HS3: Ducks are BIRDS not fish. I don't even ... How do you look at a duck and a fish and think they're the same species?
HS1: They hang out in water, though. They're fish. They swim.
HS3: My DOG swims, is MY DOG a fish?
HS1: I don't know. IS IT?
(At this point the server, Comrade, has to excuse themself to keep from belligerently laughing at them. By the time they return, things have calmed down, and HS1 orders the salmon.)
​
HS1 will grow up to be either a US Senator or a Republican Supreme Court nominee.

A couple of lowkey, youngish teenagers come in and begin walking around and checking prices on things.

About a minute later, a woman in a non-matching Canadian Tuxedo (washed light on bottom, dark on top) cawed into the store.

Canadian Tuxedo: "You wanna buy some squishamallows?"

Me: "I'm sorry, you're going to have to put on a mask."

CT: "No, it's fine. I've been vaccinated."

Me: "You still need to put on a mask."

CT: "No, I --"

Young Teenager #1: "Mom. Shut up and put on your mask or leave."

CT: "Touchy Touchy." She puts on her mask. "Squishamallows. I got a stack a squishamallows, I can get them  to you for cheap."

YT1: "Those are my squishamallows. They are not for sale."

CT: "Sure they are. They're like Beanie Babies, you got to get in and get out before they're not worth anything. I bet this guy would love to buy the whole stack of squishamallows."

Me: "Sorry. We're not buying squishamallows right now. Or ever, really."

CT: "Oh, you gotta buy squishamallows. They're the Next Big Thing."

I shrug.

CT: "We've got old manga, too. You need to buy any manga?"

Me: "Get me a list of what you have. If it's anything we need, we might buy it. But it won't be for much. Maybe $3 or $4 per book, most likely."

CT: "Oh no, these ones are worth a lot of money. You're gonna die when you see what we've got. They're so valuable. Mint condition."

Me: "Great. Get us a list and maybe some photos, and I'll let you know if we're interested."

CT: "Are you hiring?"

Me: "Nope."

CT: "Not even for the summer? Oh, it's not for me. I mean, no offense, but I've got a much better job. It's for my daughter. She's very experienced she's got five years experience working at IDUGjhDGF,jDfgMNF."

Her daughter is MAYBE 15, probably 14. She shouldn't have five years working anywhere.

Me: "We're not hiring at all."

CT: "Well, I can leave you my card. That will change in a few weeks. It gets busy in the summer, and you'll wish you had someone like my daughter working here."

Me: "Sure."

She sees that I have a box of food to my left. I had just had lunch dropped off when they'd shown up.

CT: "Oh, I didn't know you were eating lunch. I'm sorry. Is it from Bridge Pizza?"

Me: "No."

CT: "Do you ever order from Bridge Pizza?"

Me: "I'm not familiar with them."

CT: "Oh, they're the best. Two pizzas for $17. Large pizzas, not the small ones. And the people there are so nice. And it's local. You should be supporting local businesses, not ordering from chains and what not."

Me: "This is from Wrapture, which is about a block and a half that way. Very local."

CT: "Well Bridge is the best pizza in town. And they're gentlemen. Not like these other place, you know?"

Me: "Uh-huh."

CT: "When do you work?"

Me: "Constantly. There's no schedule though. I'm just here when I'm here."

This is a Complete Lie.

CT: "So if I come in in, say, a few weeks, you'll be here eating Bridge pizza and ready to buy our manga."

Me: "You never know."

CT: "Ok. Well, we've got to go. We don't need anything here right now. No offense."

Me: "None taken."

CT: "Last chance. A whole stack of squishamallows for a Very Reasonable price."

Me: "Thanks, but we're not buying squishamallows right now."

CT: "Hmph. Your loss."

The nearest place called Bridge Pizza is about a half an hour drive on the highway.

Kid Who Just Started Collecting Pokemon Cards: "Do you have any John Lennon cards?"

Me: "Um. No?"

Kid's Friend Who Knows More About Pokemon: "I think he means Charmeleon cards."

​Me: "Huh. That's definitely a maybe."

Random Pokemon Scalper: Do you guys have any Elite Trainer Boxes.

Me: Nope. Sorry. We sold out of them already.

RPS: Aw, man. I waited for a half an hour outside your other store for the girl to show up, and she only had two blue, and I need a blue and a red.

Me: That's not us. We don't have another store.

RPS: Huh. Oh! I saw your dad the other day.

Me: I don't think so.

RPS: Sure, I stopped in and your dad was working there.

Me: Nobody's dad works here. I think you've got the wrong store.

RPS: I talked with the older guy.

Me: I don't know who that is. We go as old as mid-40s here.

RPS: But your kids work there, right?

Me: Nope. No kids. I don't know who you talked to.

RPS: Huh. So you don't have any extra Elite Trainer Boxes for me in the back?

Me: I don't know who you are, so ... no. Sorry.

RPS: Ok. Bye Curtis.

​Me: Bye Stiffany.

It doesn't just happen to me. This is from a former coworker circa 2012:


Please note this wasn't a Comic Book Person being weird, this is just a weirdo who comes into a comic book store and is aggressively baffing to a specialty retail employee:

I Swear I wish I was making this sh*t up...

Rando: "Do you have Baaahhbeezze? I need a weddin days Baaahhbeeze."

Me: "Sorry, we don't carry Barbie Dolls"

Rando: "You got supthin against Baaahhbeezze?"

Me: "Nope, we just don't carry them here. We are a comic book store."

Rando: "My daughtah needs Wedding Day Baaahhbeeze"

Me: "Sorry, you might try Target or Toy's R Us."

Rando:"Ugh, Do I look like a Communist?"

Me: "I'm sorry?"

Rando: "Never mind... You think Booksmith has Bahhbeeeze?"

Me: "Probably not they are a..."

He turns around and walks out the door as I speak.

​I am going to start carrying a flask to work I think...

Today's been a pretty great day for customers. We've been making progress on some projects in the back, selling some action figures that have been in the store longer than there's been a store. Pretty great.

Phone rings.

Me: "This is Adam, how may I help you?"

Random Caller: "Hi, are you the owner?"

Me: "Nope. I'm the manager."

RC: "Could you do something about your car?"

Me: "Um. I don't have a car."

RC: "The Trek Truck."

Me: "I don't know what that is."

RC: "Every day it's either parked in front of your store or in front of the health food store across
the street. I think it's part of your electronics department."

Me: "Nope. We don't have any trucks or an electronics department."

RC: "Are you sure? I see it there all the time."

Me: "It's not us. I don't know whose truck it is."

RC: "What are they doing there?"

Me: "I don't know."

RC: "There's two men in it sometimes. Adult men. Grown men. Do they work for you?"

Me: "Nope."

RC: "Why are they there, then?"

Me: "I don't know. They're not associated with our store in any way."

RC: "This is so weird. I need to know who they are."

Me: "Ok. Good luck."

RC: "Where did they go?"

​I hang up the phone.

We've been waiting for an email from Comrade's Aunt Wendy about a couple of night stands she might want to give to us. A few minutes ago, Comrade said "Oh, her email got caught in my spam folder. Oh. This is Not From Aunt Wendy."

***************************************

From: Wendy <[email protected]>
Date: November 1, 2020 at 7:45:57 PM EST
To: "Comrade" <[email protected]>
Subject: You're not leaving here until I suck your dick.
I am Ksenia. Everything I really need – it is to bring an end to this dull solitude, I need unique feelings: I can't be alone further. At the moment, I went through a range of a problem days, and I need a assist. I can give you anything you want: my delightful new tits, my impressive body figure, and many other things! Discover this inside my profile. I am willing to lick you!

*************************************

My reply: So I guess we're only getting a One Night Stand?