No, predictive text, I did not mean "sashimi", I meant "assholes" that's why I typed "assholes".
A parent walks in wearing a sweatshirt that says Clap Elementary School.
Without any context, I ask "Is that because the kids there aren't smart enough to spell 'Gonorrhea'?"
It is definitely time for me to go home and get some sleep.
Random Amusing Customer Who Used To Shop At The Previous Comic Store I Worked For: That Strangers In Paradise Omnibus looks so good.
Random Amusing Customer's Friend: Should I get it for you this Christmas?
RAC: No. Hanukkah is closer.
RACF: I'll just have to cut it into eight pieces.
RAC: Your ignorance is staggering.
They noodle around the store for a bit, and RAC buys two back issues from the 70s.
RAC: Are you ready to go?
RACF: Hold on, I'm trying to see if I can fit this omnibus under my coat without anyone noticing.
RAC: Maybe you could convince him you're pregnant?
Me: With a square baby?
RACF: All babies are square until you teach them to be cool.
One of my favorite types of e-mails is
We would like you to organize this show for us, using these specific guidelines that don't seem to mesh with your work or your work ethic. We need you to first work at creating a description of your event, find multiple readers to feature, set up an open mic, secure a location, and set a date. Please make sure your event will run smoothly. It should be family-friendly and free. Because why should people pay to experience art? Isn't it all about getting your work out there? Make sure to do the proper promotion and marketing to secure an audience. If the show goes well, we MIGHT deign to pay you for you this work. But probably not. We can give you a fun little title, though.
----Sent from the desk of someone who is paid well to ask artists to do work for free
While replacing some posters in the store, I had a maddening conversation with a guy who was probably trolling me.
Probable Troll: Why are you putting up that Ms Marvel poster?
Me: Well, I'm replacing the pre-Secret Wars stuff with some of the post-Secret Wars posters that came in.
Me: These are for newer titles. The posters I took down were for titles that are older.
PT: Ms Marvel isn't new.
Me: It's a new run starting this month. That version of the All New X-Men is over. Also, I'm making this a wall of non-white dude superheroes. So, Ms Marvel, the new Ultimates team, Guardians of The Galaxy, and then, after leaving it on the front door for a couple of weeks, I'll put that Moon Girl & Devil Dinosaur poster over here.
PT: So, it's, like, an affirmative action thing.
Me: Yes. Because I feel that talking raccoons and tree aliens aren't properly represented in comics.
PT: But you're replacing the X-Men with Ms Marvel.
PT: But, the X-Men are a minority.
Me: True. But they're a fictional minority. Mutants, while relatable, aren't real. Pakistani teenage girls, though they aren't usually shapeshifters, are a demographic that don't have a lot of representation in comics.
PT: But the X-Men have Storm and Jubilee and Bishop and Psylocke and a bunch of people who aren't white.
Me: Very true. But that poster was Emma Frost, Cyclops, Magick, and the Stepford Cuckoos, who are all pretty white. If they send a poster of the new Extraordinary X-Men team, I'll put it up where the Guardians poster is.
PT: Sounds like your power is overthinking.
Me: What's your power?
PT makes the Thinking Hard or Overcoming Constipation face.
Me: You don't have a power, do you?
Random Strict Dad Customer: "Do you have any comics that an eleven year old would like? Something that teaches family values, particularly being obedient to your parents."
Helpful Coworker: "Have they read Amulet?"
(The Amulet series begins with the death of the father.)
Angry Ex Over Text: Are you home tonight? I need to crash on your couch.
Me: I'm not home now, but I'll be in later.
AEOT: What are you doing?
Me: What WtF? I'm out right now but I should be home around nineish.
AEOT: You called me a whore!
Me: I did not.
AEOT: MYBW Mind Your Business Whore.
AEOT: Or did you call me a Whale? Or a Wuss?
Me: Mind Your Bees' Wax. MYBW. I don't think you're a whore.
Me: Or a bee. Or a candle. It's just an expression.
Me: Sorry No More Acronyms Tonight
AEOT: So you send me an acronym, and when I ask you to explain it you shut down acronyms? You can't do that.
AEOT: Nevermind. I just got it.
AEOT: You have never been funny.
AEOT: YOU ARE NOT!!!!
AEOT: See, I got it right away that time.
Every year or so, I take a trip somewhere warmer than here with friends. The last couple of years, I've rented a house through a website (no, not Craigslist). Both times, the houses were very cool and the people who owned them were reasonably sane people.
The first year, I couldn't figure out how to turn the heat on for the pool in Florida, and the kindly representative of the owners, Cyndee, turned on the heat FROM CHICAGO.
Because the current plan is to go back to Florida this year, I e-mailed the person we rented from before.
Me: "We don't necessarily need the same house. It was pretty wonderful, and the bunkbeds were a popular choice but the Harry Potter and Disney bedrooms skewed a bit young to us, as we're all between 20 and...a polite assumption of 39."
Cyndee: "I'm so sorry" which, for the record, is how she's started every e-mail she's sent me, even though she's never done anything wrong "that we failed to meet your expectations for your last visit. I'll be sure to find something that skews older. Perhaps a golf course?"
Me: "Oh, this was not a complaint. I enjoyed the looks on my friends' faces when they had to pick the pile of assorted mice and Winnie The Pooh stuffed animals off their beds. I wouldn't be adverse to something similar, but it's not necessary. As for the golf course, none of us are the grown-up golf types, but if you have a house with a mini-golf course, you can marry whichever one of us you'd like."
Cyndee: "I'm so sorry" SEE, SHE DID IT AGAIN "but I am already happily married. Though a fling may be in order by February."