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I just got called out by a stranger in CVS because I opened the cooler, saw that the Coca-Cola already had Christmas wrapping labels on it, said "Fuuuuuuuuuck you.", closed the door, and grabbed a Pepsi out of the cooler next to it.
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Oh man, if you invited a bunch of your friends over for Dungeons & Dragons for New Year's Eve, and you are just now going out to buy the appropriate manuals and books, then you have Fucked Up your 2017. I hope one of your resolutions for 2018 is to not procrastinate as much.
Me at 1155: I should probably start cooking something for Thanksgiving.
Me at 1200: I haven't made this sauce recipe in a while. And the last time I made it, I changed the recipe and really liked it. There was some sort of secret ingredient. Oh, well. Every other time I've made it, it's come out awesome. Me at 1215: I don't have the core ingredient that makes this sauce. I shall have to improvise. Me at 1217: WAIT! This happened last time, and I replaced (ingredient) with (variation on ingredient). And I DO have that ingredient. I make the recipe. Taste. Flavor. Taste. Flavor. Edit. Taste. Me at 1225: THIS IS MY SAUCE NOW. I WILL DRINK IT LIKE SOUP. Me at 1230: Well, I'll pour some of it into mason jars, but I am definitely going to throw this bacon and cheese ravioli in the remainder of the sauce, and skip Thanksgiving entirely. Me at 1235: I'm never going to finish all this sauce. I guess I'll go. I've been avoiding the large CVS in Harvard Square because it is clearly managed by ADD lemurs with nasty cocaine habits. There will be a line of fifteen people, one employee behind a cash register, seven closed cash register, two employees lazily stocking Vitamin Water that I've never seen anyone buy, while a manager barks orders at the customers waiting in line, under the guise that he (and it's always a he) is somehow helping the line flow.
This morning, after next to no sleep, I went in to get some liquid nourishment, and all the colors in the display looked wrong. I thought I was having some sort of stroke or sugar-induced visual failure. It turns out, the last time I was in there was around Valentine's day, when everything was red and white. But now it's almost Easter, so the almost precisely the same products are pastel purples and yellows. Luckily, I had nine minutes in line to figure out that it's a holiday issue, and my vision is completely fine. In this particular case. No, I didn't miss National Cat Day yesterday, there are too many ridiculous fake holidays to keep track of. I have enough trouble keeping track of the real ones.
Which reminds me: don't forget to turn your cocks back tonight for National Power Bottom Day. I haven't seen as many posts or pics about it today as I saw posts and pics of cats yesterday, but it's perhaps a more important holiday, as cats tend to view every day as National Cat Day, while power bottoms probably don't. A customer was purchasing the final volume of Marvel Now's Deadpool, which I was unable to find in the computer. After scrolling for a bit, I found it.
Me: "I see what happened. Somebody missed the first 'e' in 'Deadpool'. Customer: "Heh. Dadpool. He probably has the Dadbod to go with it." Random Loiterer: "I think you just found your new Halloween costume." Customer: "Yea! And I can dress my kid up as Kidpool." Random Loiterer: "Don't forget to give me credit." Customer: "I don't have a kid, guy. I was being sarcastic." Fair warning, guys, today is National Narrate What A Stranger Is Doing Day.
So far, I've been informed that I was waiting for a bus, that I was opening a door, that I was carrying a table, and that I work in the store where I'm sitting behind the counter. I'm about to start saying things like "Hey, you're about to get to burned by some severe side eye." and "Your Kindergarten teacher is going to call you and let you know that the skills you were praised for when you were five are unimpressive when you're in your fifties." I'm sorry to announce that our store is not participating in National Stand In The Middle Of The Store, Yakking On Your Cell For An Hour Even Though You Have No Intention Of Buying Anything Day. Might I suggest taking your non-business and your conversation about What It's Like To Be A Harvard Grad to a Best Buy in the suburbs where that sort of topic is considered important or, at least, interesting?
Today is both National Donut Day *AND* National Hug Your Cat Day.
You know what that means, right? We have too many fake-ass holidays in this country. My mom just texted me "May The Fourth be with you." along with a recipe for Darth Vader cookies.
The "holiday" has officially jumped the left shark. ---------------------------------------------------------------- I almost posted my confusion about how she even knew I was interested in Star Wars because, apparently, I forgot the Return Of The Jedi sleeping bag she bought me, and the millenium falcon she bought me, and all the action figures she bought me, and the collectible Return Of The Jedi glasses we got from what was probably McDonald's, and the fact that the only reason I saw those movies is because she and/or my dad took me to them, and that she knows that I work in a comic book store, It's like I don't even know me. |
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