Honest Conversation Is Overrated
Actual Human Interactions Witnessed Or Overheard
In Twentieth And Twenty-First Century America
In Twentieth And Twenty-First Century America
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Random Potential Customer: “Do I get a discount if I buy back issues in bulk.”
Me: “Sure.” RPC: “Sweet. How much?” Me: “Dep—” RPC: “Depends how much I get? I like that answer.” I go back to filling out paperwork when RPC approaches the counter and puts down two $2.00 comics and asks, totally heterosexually-faced, “How much of a discount do I get for these?”
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Random Loiterer, standing behind bookcase: “Could you tell me how much this book costs?”
Me: “I can’t see it. What book is it?” RL: “It says $12.95.” Me: “Then it’s probably $12.95.” RL: “Why? It’s kind of small, you know?” Me: “I don’t. I have no idea what book you’re talking about. I can’t see you.” RL carries book up to counter, puts it down, raises eyebrows. “$12.95? Seriously?” Me: “Seriously, $12.95.” RL: “Why?” Me: “Because that’s how much it costs.” RL: “Why?” Me: “Because that’s how much it costs.” RL: “You already said that.” Me: “Well, you asked me the same question twice, so I gave you the same answer twice. I’m consistent.” RL: “But why does it cost so much?” Me: “Because that’s how much it costs.” RL: “Why?” I turn to the store computer and start typing in info for tomorrow’s shift. RL: “Why?” I continue typing, not making eye contact. RL: “Why won’t you answer me? I’m asking you a question.” Me: “If you’d like to buy the book, I’d be happy to sell it to you. If you’re bored and are trying to engage me in a debate, I’m not interested.” RL (smiling): “Why?” Type type type. RL: “Why?” I turn the sound system up as loud as it will go, which is even louder than I imagined. RL: “WHAT THE HELL?????” More typing. Another woman comes down the stairs. “Emily, what are you doing in here?” Emily: “It’s expensive and this guy is SO RUDE.” AW: “You are waaaaaaaay too drunk to be shopping right now. Let’s go.” Emily: “But I need to find out why this book is so expensive and this asshole won’t—” AW: “Emily, I”m calling your mother.” Emily: “The fuck, Jennifer?” Jennifer heads up the stairs, Emily follows. Peace returns to the universe, or at least the comic book store. Guys, if I’m in my forties, and you feel the need to threaten to call my mom in order to get me to stop behaving like a jackass in public, please, please, please sign me up for rehab. That is no way to be alive. Me: “You seem to use the word ‘bitches’ a bit too often to be living in 2014.”
Him: “Are you saying the word is dated?” Me: “I’m saying that ten, maybe even five years ago you could say it and people wouldn’t automatically assume you were misogynist. It was just a thing people said. That’s just not true anymore. So, yea. Its time has passed.” Him: “It just sounds so…visceral…” Me: “Good word!” Him: “Bitches!” Me: “Bad word. Look, I know you. I know you don’t mean it as a derogatory…” Him: “Good word!” Me (rolling eyes): “Thanks. I know you don’t mean it as a derogatory statement about women. I know you mean it like you’re living in some campy gay movie from the ’90s, or some awful sitcom from the 2000s but that’s not how people are going to hear it. People don’t care about context anymore, or how a person intends a word. If the word offends them, there is nothing you can say to defend yourself because people just don’t care about intention anymore. All they care about is how they perceive language.” Him: “But…but it just sounds so….perfect.” Me: “Move on. Find another word.” Him: “What word with that sound works as a term of endearment for bad-asses?” Me: “I find the term ‘bad-ass’ disparaging to people who wish they had different shaped buttoxes.” Him: “Fuck you.” Me: “Fine. What about ‘glitches’? It rhymes, it’s probably a derogatory term in some cyberpunk novel but it doesn’t have any horrid context that I can think of.” Him (duck-facing): “Glitches. Glitches? Glitches. What’s up, glitches? Ok. I think I can get behind that.” Me: “You still sound like Jack from Will & Grace but I guess that’s a half-step up from sounding like a misogynist Jack from Will & Grace.” Him: “I don’t like you.” Me: “Join the Facebook Group.” |
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