These four sixty year old white ladies have spent this whole bus ride complaining about various times they've had bad restaurant service.
Not once in any of the stories have they acknowledged that each experience can be boiled down to "Remember that time when we were rude and entitled and weren't rewarded for it? Well I'm never going there again."
Random Loiterugh: I am looking for a pirate flag to give to my nephew it's for his birthday but not really for his birthday but he has friends with birthdays this month and they like pirates but they don't want the jolly roger or anything or skull and crossbones they just want some sort of flag that's piratey without being too piratey you know what I mean?
Me: We have nothing like that.
RL: Oh, you guys aren't Newbury Comics huh you're something else comics I guess but I suppose you know a lot about comics right?
RL: I was in Santa Domingo and there was this little corner store It wasn't too little It
was just the right size for what they had I guess but there were comics there and I gave them to my son-in-law and told him to put them up on ebay because you never know when something is worth something right? and he probably didn't do it because he's into all that Christian rock stuff and you know Anyway so these comics all said 007 or 008 or 009 on the front so I figure they're all James Bond stuff you know but it inside they're all cartoony and in Spanish and I don't know if they're spy like or anything but I got some that were in good condition Some of them were ehhhh not so much you know but ten of them were so I picked them up and brought them back to the states and I went to this little store in Newport that I go to all the time and I try and sell them there but the guy won't take them and he takes less and less of my stuff these days and I don't know why I mean he runs a collectible store and I have some very collectible stuff And I guess I could put it in a time capsule for my grandkids or something but I want some money too you know Do you think they're worth anything?
Me: I have no idea.
RL: How would I find out because I bet they're worth something I mean they're in Spanish and the guy only had a few copies of them I'm just worried that my son-in-law might have given them away Oh Oh I have this old cardboard box that says Kool Cigarettes Do you guys want to buy that?
Me: Not even a little. We don't buy things. Anything. We only get stuff from a corporate distributor. It's a legal thing. We're not allowed to buy anything from people who come into the store. It's company policy.
RL: It's neat though It's like pretend cigarettes for kids and stuff That's gotta be worth something Don't you think? Boy I hope I still have it somewhere It's probably pretty valuable.
Me: So, the Newbury Comics is just across the street. Take a left out of the door and you're looking at a building called The Garage. It's on the second floor. They might have pirate flags that aren't too piratey.
RL: Across the street? Ohhhhh I just got these new shoes and they're super uncomfortable but you know sometimes you just have to do the things you have to do and I had to get shoes for some reason I think I saw the Tasty Burger You say Newbury was upstairs Boy I hope they have this flag thing I feel like I've been looking for it forever and it's been a couple of months since my nephew's birthday He probably thinks I forgot but I never forget I remember everything down to the smallest detail
Me: I bet. You should probably go now, though. They close at 9, and it's 8:45.
RL: Nine o'clock wow I remember when the stores around here used to be open twenty-four hours and you could go and read books and buy music at all hours You probably don't remember that though do you Too young But yea I'm going to go to Newbury now Thanks for all your help Even though you didn't know about 008 and 009
And then she went up the stairs talking to herself.
I hope I never again have to guest star on the very unpopular Batty Old Aunts Addicted To Speed And Selling Their Tchotchkes In Stores That Don't Buy Tchotchkes television show because, man, it is too intense for me.
A guy comes in with SEVERAL tiny people who, of course, begin to wander willy-nilly-annoying-Billy all over the store. He eventually cordons them in the kids' section and puts away various books in way the wrong spaces. I anticipate doing a lot reshelving until the youngest kid says "Daddy, you put everything away all wrong." and proceeds to pick up every book his father put down and put them all in their proper places.
This kid must be some sort of savant because I've worked here for years and don't understand how the organization system "works".
Random Loiterer: "There's an artist who worked with Alan Moore who was mentally ill."
I do my best not to make a snide comment. I succeed in saying nothing.
RL: "I really need to find his book."
Me: "Let me check online."
RL: "Any luck?"
Me: "Unfortunately when you google 'mental illness' and 'Alan Moore' you get a TON of results. Many of them not very nice, and none of them helpful."
RL: "Why wo---yeah, that makes sense, I guess."
Exasperated nine year old cries to his Very Cambridge Mom:
"What even is a comic book store without Pokemon?"
She sighs, I believe sarcastically. "I know. It's like they saw you in your Pokemon shorts, Pokemon t-shirt, Pokemon hat and thought 'He has enough to read.'"
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Dude: Necessary conversation.
I freeze. This is not someone I know through slam, and I can only hear that phrase as a punchline or a Fuck You.
Dude: I'm kidding. I was thinking maybe we should chill and watch Netflix.
Dude: I spent too much time reading articles on how to date someone this week. I'm sorry. Maybe we could.....WHAT DO NORMAL PEOPLE DO?
Me: Are we dating now? Did I miss--
Dude: No. No. That's not what I'm saying. I just read a lot of articles on dating, and now I don't even know how to spend time with my friends.
Me: Are we friends now? I th---
Dude: STOP MESSING WITH ME! I'm very vulnerable right now.
Me: Should I hold you and tell you everything is going to be ok?
Dude: We are definitely not friends. You are The Worst Person I Know.
Me: Really? I'm The Worst Person You Know?
Dude: Let's go get a pizza or something. Isn't there a place at the end of the street?
Me: Ahhhhh. sure, let's go there. Then I definitely won't be The Worst Person You Know.
Dude: So...let's order in, then?
It turns out that what appeared to be a large insect running into the store was actually just a dollar coin that rolled all the way across the hall from Flashprint, in the doorway, and all the way to the back wall before it fell over.
Everybody farts. It's part of nature. Even petite twenty-something women on buses. I'm sorry you felt so embarrassed by your flatulence that you had to turn out dramatically, look me in the eye, and yell PEEE-YEWW before running up and sitting at the front of the bus.
I didn't even understand what you were doing until the smell hit me.
It was fine. Someone else moved into the seat you vacated.
But if you're going to make such a public display, you should probably be sure that when you get to your new seat in the front that you don't rip a loud and equally raunchy smelling fart Because now, not only am I laughing at you, but the whole bus is laughing at your charade. A bus that, most likely, would have sat in polite silence if you had just stayed in your seat instead of putting on a vaudeville deniability performance.
Let's be real, either me or the homeless woman in the back probably would have been blamed if you'd been quiet, but thanks to your Jim Carrey routine everyone on the bus knows that you, YES YOU have a serious gastrointestinal problem.
I hope you feel better soon. Both physically, and self-esteem-wise.
Frequent Pain In The Ass comes in and buys a $1.00 back issue.
Me: That'll be a dollar.
FPITA: I have a discount card from the Brattle.
Me: That'll be ninety cents.
He hands me a credit card.
Me: No. Sorry. For less than a dollar you need cash.
FPITA stares at me..
Me: Because the amount we get charged per credit card transaction would mean that we are paying you to take this comic.
Which may or may not be true. It's probably close, though.
FPITA pulls out a dollar coin. Of course he has a dollar coin. I hand him a dime.
FPITA: Could I have a nickel and five pennies.
I pull out a pair of scissors and begin jabbing him in the eye, screaming NEVER. COME. BACK. NEVER. COME. BACK.
Or, actually, I hand him a nickel and five pennies, glaring at him until he leaves.
Waste Of His Parents' Genetic Material walks into the store.
WOHPGM: I'm back fellow nerds. Miss me?
WOHPGM: Where, my good man, do you keep your Star Wars comics?
I lead him to the Star Wars section, and continue a conversation I was having with a Delightful Regular.
Our conversation is interrupted again by a Very Nice Woman.
VNW: I don't read comics. I have a twelve year old nephew who also doesn't read comics. Could you recommend something he might like?
Me: Do you know what non-comic books he likes to read? Or TV shows he watches?
VNW: Not really. He plays a lot of Halo.
WOHPGM: There is another store down the street that has old Halo comics but they don't have them here.
Me: That's true. Is there anything else he likes? Adventure Time? Avatar The Last Airbender?
WOHPGM: If he likes Halo, he probably likes Star Wars and Star Trek because people don't like stories as much as they like genres and Halo and Star Wars are both sci-fi books, so he probably loves Star Wars.
VNW: He did when he was younger but I'm not sure he thinks they're cool anymore.
WOHPGM: They're VERY cool right now. There is a new movie coming out, and if he has any common sense he'll read the comics.
Me: Are you ready to check out?
WOHPGM: Not yet. Is he your son?
VNW: NO! I don't have a twelve year old son.
VNW is probably 25.
WOHPGM: I ask because usually people who have kids really young have kids who don't like to read.
WOHPGM: I'm not trying to be rude. When I was twelve I was really into arson. I used to light all sorts of things on fire. It wasn't until I got to high school that people said 'Fire bad." and I got into Star Wars.
Delightful Regular: Wow.
Me (to VNW): Did your nephew like the Guardians Of The Galaxy movie?
VNW: I don't know. But I LOVED it.
I get her a copy of Groot.
VNW: He also really likes gross out humor.
We talk about Mad Magazine and Deadpool, and the Spy Vs Spy books, but none of them are a fit. I tell her about Bone which is not gross out humor but is popular with just about all boys and girls from age eleven and up. That's not quite what she's looking for.
WOHPGM: My good man! I'm ready my good man.
Me: I'll be right with you.
WOHPGM: I have places I need to be, my good man, otherwise I'd stay and help out you and my fellow nerds.
I walk over to the counter, tell him how much he owes me.
DR to VNW: Does he like Harry Potter or The Lord Of The Rings or anything?
Me: Good call.
VNW: I don't think so. I know his mother hasn't ever read them, and I don't think he has either.
WOHPGM: I'm telling you, Star Wars comics. Every kid loves Star Wars comics. It's what's really cool right now.
Me: I thought you had somewhere you had to be.
WOHPGM: Indeed I do, my good man. May the force be with you fellow nerds.
DR: That was....he's certainly a character.
VNW: I think I'm going to get this Groot comic and this Groot action figure, and if he doesn't like it, they're awesome and they're mine.
Me: I like the way you think.
VNW: I bet you say that to all your customers.
Me: I didn't say it to THAT guy.
VNW: Well. Everyone has limits.