Regular Loiterer: Pig is the most delicious animal. My new dream is to travel the world and eat pig delicacies in every nation. I will not rest until I've tasted pig milk!

Coworker: Do they make pig's milk?

Me: No. No. No. Why?

Coworker: Imagine the noises they'd make when you tried to milk them.

Me: No.

RL: Could you look up "where to buy pig's milk"?

Me: Sure. Ok, according to this pig milk is much fatter than cow milk, and takes forever to get because pigs only produce a small amount of milk every couple of hours. Also, pigs can't lactate when they're pregnant, so it's not economic--

Coworker: Do a Google Image Search on "Pig milk butter"

Me: NO!

RL: NO!

Coworker: Just look it up.

Me: NO!

RL: Absolutely not! Do you even internet?

Coworker: Look it up.

Me: Fine. But I'm putting on Safe Search filters first.

Coworker: Why?

RL: What do you mean "Why?" Of COURSE you put Safe Search on before looking up "pig milk butter".

What comes up is a series of pictures of butter in the shape of pigs, or butter with bacon in it.

Coworker: See, that wasn't so bad. Now look up "pig milk cheese".

​Me: I have actual work to do, you know.

Tonight, as I took a few moments to myself and walked around the square, I saw a very angry person practically shouting into their cell phone.


"I'm not an idiot, Toby. I can spell 'melons'. M-e-l-l-e-n-s." said the person who couldn't, in fact, spell 'melons'.

​I didn't correct them.

When I switch shifts with someone, it becomes increasingly clear that I've been slowly training people not to call and annoy me during my regular shifts. Everybody who calls today is part of the Lonely Asshole club, and they have fifty-five hundred questions about comic books that they've been misled to believe are important enough to waste my time on the phone.

Person On Phone: "Do you have the rest of the Mage trilogy?"

Me: "The rest of?"

PoP: "I was in the other day, and there are three parts of the story."

Me: "Ok."

PoP: "So do you have it?"

Me: "What do you already have?"

PoP: "It's in a bag."

Me: "Uh huh. What's in a bag? And where is this bag?"

PoP: "I gave it to you yesterday."

Me: "Nope. I wasn't here yesterday. I don't know who you are, or what you're looking for."

PoP: "The rest of the Mage trilogy."

Silence.

PoP: "Hello?"

Me: "I can't help you find the rest of something if I don't know what you already have."

PoP: "I see. I had the guy put issues #11 #12 and #13 in a bag."

Me: "Ok. Well, I don't know how that factors into a trilogy. There were fourteen issues of the previous Mage series, and the current run is up to six."

PoP: "Not the reprints."

Me: "Pardon?"

PoP: "Not the reprints."

Me: "What about the reprints?"

PoP: "I don't want them. I have the paperbacks from thirty years ago. Those have got to be worth a fortune, huh?"

Me: "Probably not."

PoP: "Do you collect comics?"

Me: "No."

PoP: "Well, if they're not worth anything, I should just give them away, huh?"

Me: "That would be very charitable of--"

Random Customer In Store: "EXCUSE ME. YOUR DOCTOR WHO. I NEED YOUR DOCTOR WHO."

Me (on phone): "Hold on a second."

I lead the person to the Doctor Who comic section.

RC: "NOT THE COMICS, GEESH! THE MAGAZINE. DOCTOR WHO THE MAGAZINE."
I lead them over to the--

RC: "HOW MUCH IS THIS? IT DOESN'T SAY HOW MUCH IT IS."

Me: "It's $11.99."

RC: "I REMEMBER WHEN THEY WERE ONLY FIVE DOLLARS."

Me: "Ah, the Good Old Days."

PoP: "I remember the good old days. How much are Watchmen issues worth?"

Me: "I have no idea."

RC: "CAN I PAY YOU FOR THESE?"

Me: "Sure thing. $11.99"

PoP: "They're only worth $11.99?"

Me: "No. Sorry, I'm talking to someone in the store. I don't know how much they're worth."

RC: "DIDN'T YOU SAY $11.99?"

Me: "Yes."

RC: "OK."

RC gives me the money and leaves.

PoP: "Did you find the rest of the trilogy?"

Me: "I don't know what you mean by The Trilogy. There were fourteen issues of the 80s and 90s run. The current run is up to six issues."

PoP: "The trilogy is the original story."

Me: "Ok. Well, there were fourteen issues."

PoP: "The trilogy?"

Me: "I don't know anything about a trilogy. There were fourteen issues of the old run. There have been six issues of the new one."

PoP: "Are the new issues part of the trilogy?"

Me: "I have no idea. I can't find anything online about a trilogy."

PoP: "Do you know why they made him bald in the reprints?"

Me: "Huh? He's bald in the new series because it takes place thirty years later."

PoP: "They're not reprints?"

Me: "The New Ones? No. The New Issues aren't reprints. They're new."

PoP: "Zoinks."

Me: "Look, I have a ton of people in the store and--"

RC: "I ALREADY HAVE THIS BOOK. I ALREADY READ IT. YOU CHARGED ME FOR A BOOK I ALREADY READ."

PoP: "That person is very loud."

Me: "Very. I have to go."

PoP: "Can you look up how much the old Watchmen issues are worth? I bet it's a bunch."

Me: "Sorry, the internet is down. I have no way of looking it up." This is a lie.

RC: "YOU CAN'T GIVE ME MONEY BACK BECAUSE OF THE INTERNET?"

Me to PoP: "Goodbye."

Me to RC: "I was talking to the person on the phone."

RC: "HE WAS ON THE PHONE FOR A VERY LONG TIME."

Me: "Yes, he was. Here's your twelve dollars. You can keep the bonus penny."

RC: "BUT IT'S NOT MINE."

Me: "It's my gift to you. Now, if you'll excuse me--"

The phone rings.

Same Person On Phone: "I meant to ask. Are Cerberus comics worth anything?"

Me: "Nope. You should burn them if your heat ever goes out."

PoP: "Really?"

Me: "Yea. I have to go. Bye again."

​If I ever meet this caller in-person, he's going to end up wearing this phone in a very uncomfortable way.

The phone rings: "Hi. I stopped in a couple of weeks ago, and left a list of books for someone to look at."

Me: "Ok. The owner is the person who would have that list. He'll be in after three, and he can answer any of your questions."

Person On Phone: "I was hoping the list was somewhere in your store. I need some information from it."

Me: "Sure thing. If you call back after three, the owner can tell you more about the list."

PoP: "It's on a lined piece of paper could you--"

Me: "No. Definitely not. It's not here. Call back after three, and you can talk to the person you gave the list to."

PoP: "You're not even going to look for it?"

Me: "Nope. It's not here. Call back after three."

Caller mumbles and hangs up.

​I am absolutely NOT going to look for a lined piece of paper that someone left in the store a couple of weeks ago. It's gone. It's like it never existed. You'd have better luck trying to find a gram of cocaine in an Alaskan snowbank.

Random Loiterer: "Do you have a copy of Alan Moore's Lost Girls?"

Me: "Yea. It's over here."

RL: "Forty dollars? Is this the only format it comes in?"

Me: "Yea."

RL: "Do you have any other suggestions for what to get my girlfriend? It's our first Christmas together?"

Me: Are there any bars that you prefer? Or ones you've been thrown out of so many times that you're not allowed back?

Dude: We should go to a bar you've been kicked out of.

Me: I've never been thrown out of a bar.

Dude: Never?

Me: Nope.

Dude: Me either.

Me: So the bars of Camberville are our oyster.

Dude: No,wait! I have been thrown out of a bar. I guess we can't go to The Cantab.

Me: Well, shucks. You didn't.....by any chance....get kicked out on a Wednesday, did you?

Dude: Who gets thrown out of a bar on a Wednesday? It was a Saturday, and I was twenty and stupid.

Me: Fair. Want to hit up Tuatara's?

Dude: Funny story....

Me: ...

Dude: A friend and I had a beer punch date there once, and...I don't think they remember me fondly.

Me: Are you trolling me? You're trolling me, right?

Dude: I'm sure they don't remember me at all. I certainly don't remember them.

It turns out, I was the date.

Yesterday Me: I'm so tired. I hope my date cancels tomorrow.

Date: It's really cold. Do you want to reschedule?

Today Me: THE WORLD IS A COLD AND UNFORGIVING WASTELAND AT ALL TIMES. ARE YOU GOING TO HIDE IN YOUR BED FOREVER? NAY, LET US GO TO THE BARS AND DRINK OURSELVES WARM!!! THE COLD ISN'T STRONG ENOUGH TO BEAT US.

Date: I'm from a climate where we put on sweaters when it dips into the 60s.

Me: Ohhhhh. Yea, that makes sense. We can totally reschedule.

Date: NEVER! I AM STRONGER THAN COLD! I AM BIGGER THAN COLD!!!

Me: You are 5'2". The cold is at least 6' tall. At least.

Date: I SHALL WEAR HEELS!

​I consistently date winners.

Phone rings. Ominously.

Random Caller: Hey, do you have the Fantastic Four comic?

Me: Sure, we have a bunch.

RC: The one with the first appearance of Black Panther.

Me: Ooooh. I don't know. Let me check.

RC: Is it cover price?

I laugh. Because that's fucken funny.

Me: Noooo. If we have it, it's way more than cover price.

RC: Why?

Me: Because it's worth a lot more than cover price.

RC: Well, I was hoping to get it for cheap because I hear it's going to be valuable.

Me: You're about thirty years late to get it for cheap. Even a torn up copy is worth fifty bucks. If it's in good shape, it's over a grand.

RC: Well, I was looking to pay about--

Me: We don't have it. And nobody is going to have it for under a couple hundred dollars.

RC: That's a rip-off, you guys sh--

Me: Well, that's the price that it sells for. Sorry if it's not what you're looking for. You can get the same story in a couple of different collections that run about $20-$40 but they're not ever going to go up in value, they're just for reading. So if you want to just read the story, you can do that. But if you want it as a collectible for cheap, you're going to have to find someone who has absolutely no idea how valuable it is. It's possible but very, very, VERY unlikely.

RC: Where could I get it for about five bucks?

​I hang up the phone.