There was a reason Justin never sent me a pic. I'm not choosy, but he wasn't my type. Not unattractive, but too fat to comfortably fuck. A friend once told me that he hated having sex with other fat people because it was tough to stay penetrated. I'd never experienced that before tonight.
We were off to a bad start when we realized that neither of us had done any online dating since the nineties. We were obviously uncomfortable around each other & had little chemistry apart from both liking the same TV shows.
Drank a beer to get prepared. I hate beer.
Started out in the shower. He was bigger without his clothes. Smooth but awkward. I knew I should have gone home. He was too big to shower with, so we headed to the bedroom.
The bedroom had a couple of dildos out and some lube. I had brought the condoms.
He likes to give head with the latex on. Had I known I would have bought flavored condoms.
Despite not being attracted to him in any way, I managed to get aroused. He gave decent head.
After a few minutes he was ready to get fucked. This is when I realized that I am an emotionless robot. If I'm not attracted to someone I have the most mechanical sex imagineable.
It was tough to find a position to get comfortable in. He was clearly too big to be comfortably on top of me. It would be like being pinned by The Canadian Earthquake. His bed wasn't high enough for him to be laid out on his back, so we ended up doggy-style.
Usually I'm all about long tantric sex, but I just wanted this to be overwith, so I ended up coming in about eight minutes. Yes, I looked at the clock. That's how bad it was.
The hard part would be getting him off. I'm not a fan of licking latex, and haven't bottomed for anybody in about six years, though I don't dislike it. I decided I'd rather get fucked for a while than lick latex.
He lubed up a condom, and put it over a butt plug which he then sat on. I laid on my stomach, forgetting that the bed was too low for this to be a comfortable option. Doggystyle again. It didn't work too well, though, as his stomach kept getting in the way. Also he was much more of a bottom than a top, so he was having trouble staying hard.
After about two minutes the condom fell off, and that was all she wrote. I wasn't into it enough to kiss or give proper attention to keeping him aroused. My passionless jerking of his cock did nothing for either of us.
He was clearly embarrased. He offered to pay for a cab ride home, claiming it was too cold for me to walk to the subway. It wasn't that cold. Neither of us broached the subject of his not getting off, but he was clearly disappointed. So was I.
At least I don't have to wash santorum out of my boxers.
I've heard of it being so hot that cities have blackouts, but they are prediciting that tomorrow it will be so cold that New England, New York, and possibly PA will have blackouts. Daaaaaaaaayum.
How cold is it?
It's so cold my icon is shivering.
It's so cold I check my Hotmail every two minutes just for the heat.
It's so cold slam poets have stopped doing political pieces in an effort to conserve their hot air.
It's so cold I'd rather get a ride to the grocery store from Michael Brown than walk.
It's so cold I saw a mouse skating across our kitchen floor.
It's so cold I'd almost consider moving back to AZ.
It's so cold my Weather Pixie lit himself on fire.
It's so cold (this one is true) they're closing down ski mountains for insurance reasons.
That's fucken cold.
So cold that I have decided to move again. I'm going to move to a warmer clime like Siberia, Moscow, of the North fricken Pole. It was twenty degrees warmer today in Moscow than it was in Boston. When I went to open my front door today, my hand broke off on the knob. You read that right. I am now typing one handed, and not because blog entries turn me on.
I went to the aquarium today and asked one of the workers if he would consider letting the penguins out to play. I think he thought he was coming on to him, though I'm not sure what "letting the penguins out" means in perv. The sea lion I could see, but penguins?
When I'm a millionnaire I'm going to buy me some Emperor Penguins and let them loose on the streets of Boston. Sure, they look cute on TV, but imagine walking down the street on your way to the grocery store and seeing a flock of pissed off four foot tall penguins waddling towards you. Everyone assumes penguins just eat fish, but there's not a lot of human flesh around in the Emperor Penguins natural habitat. In fact, it gets so cold in Antarctica that every type of bird migrates except for the Emperors. They're some hardcore fucken penguins. I bet if I start feeding them human flesh, they'd develop a taste for it and start running amock in a way that even Alfred Hitchcock couldn't imagine.