I wake up to a rustling sound under my bed. I hiss, which nearly always gets the cats to stop what they're doing and run out of the room. The rustling stops. Then starts up again. I hiss. This time, there is no pause.
I turn the light on. The rustling continues. I open the bedroom door, thinking one or both of the cats want to go out.
I look into the kitchen. Both cats are in a single chair, hanging out.
"Motherfucker. Mouse patrol."
I have never said this to her before. We don't have a massive mouse problem, but the temperature has just changed, and they sometimes find their way in.
Motherfucker always comes into the room when I say her name, so I'm not expecting much when she hops off the chair. Except that, instead of climbing on the bed as usual, she darts underneath and comes out with the mouse in her mouth in about four seconds. She follows me to the living room. I open the door to the porch, where she has never gone.
"Drop it out there."
She does. Then she follows me back to the room, hops on the bed and starts purring. After a few minutes the rustling sound starts again, but this time it is Motherfucker, licking a plastic bag, which is the only reward she ever seems to require
1.) This toaster is So Glitchy. The timer on it doesn't work. If this keeps up, I'm going to need to get a new one.
2.) This toaster is obviously broken, and I am not going to be able to toast anything until I buy a new one.
3.) I could just not eat anything that requires a toaster for a while, and just use the stove.
4.) I wonder if Selina killed it with her weird fascination, or if she was fascinated by it because it's slowly falling apart.
5.) I can't believe how long I've been thinking about this toaster without first checking to see if it was plugged in.
I arrived at home to find police officers standing in the hallway of my apartment.
Police Officer #1: Hi. We're here for your cats.
Officer #1: The owner, Miss (Redacted) contacted us. She says that she asked you to watch her cats but that, now that she has her own place, you are refusing to return the cats to her.
Me: Who? I've had these cats for almost a decade. I can call the owner of the pet store I got them from right now. I swear, I've never heard of Miss (Redacted) before in my life.
Officer #2: Are you (Name Redacted) in Apartment #2?
Me: No. I live in Apartment #3.
Officer #2: Sorry. Give your cats an extra scratch. And be glad there's no disputed ownership.
Officer #1: It's as bad as actual custody battles sometimes.
Officer #2: All the time.
Human picks up copies of chapbook from one room, moves them closer to suitcase, walks into kitchen. Cat runs full speed toward suitcase, stops six inches away and makes the I'm About To Puke Noise. Human runs screaming at cat, who runs all the way to the other side of the house before vomiting in an empty spot on the living room floor.
Human pets and praises cat for not puking on books. Cat returns to bedroom. Pukes on bed.
I was asked to translate my conversations with Selina Ribcage so that people understand why I am so hostile to my Virtue Signaling, Fake Ass Ally Of A Cat, so here you go:
Selina: Are you doing anything for Pride?
Me: I'm busy doing some editing now, Selina. I need you to be quiet.
Selina: Is that a "no" about Pride? I thought part of being queer was supporting other queer members of your community.
Me: Selina, I don't have time to talk to you right now. I'm busy.
Selina: If the only queer thing you do is sleep with people of your own gender, you might be part of the problem.
Me: What problem? What are you talking about, you miserable cat?
Selina: You write a lot about being queer but I never see you at any events or fundraisers.
Me: How would you have seen me at any events or fundraisers? You are an indoor cat. You have not left this house since 2011.
Selina: So HAVE You gone to any events?
Me: Selina, I don't have time to talk about this right now. Especially not to a cat who lives rent free in my house and has been known to puke in the general vicinity of my shoes.
Selina: I wouldn't say anything but I recently read an article about how sexually active closeted gay men are part of the patriarchal hegemony that's responsible for Trump's rise to power.
Me: I'm not closeted. What are you talking about?
Selina: It's all here in this arti--
Me: That link is from The Onion, Selina. It's satire. Also, it's about car maintenance, not sexuality or politics.
Selina: I can't read. I'm a cat. But also, there's this article ab--
Me Infowars is not a valid source, Selina.
Selina: DON'T SILENCE ME. I AM A HUMAN BEING!!!
Me: No, you're a cat. A very loud, extremely obnoxious cat.
Selina: I HOPE YOU GET AIDS!!!
Me: That is homophobic, and awful. Get out of my room.
Selina: BEING MARGINALIZED DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO BE A BULLY!!!!
Me: Get. out. of. my. room. you. stupid. cat.
Selina: I WILL PEE IN A PLACE YOU CAN NOT FIND!!!!
Me: Shut up.
Selina: JUST WHEN YOU ARE ABOUT TO FALL ASLEEP, I WILL POUNCE ON YOUR STOMACH AND FLICK MY TAIL IN YOUR FACE.
Me: Shut. up.
Selina: THE REVOLUTION IS COMING, AND FAKE ASS QUEERS LIKE YOU WILL --- HEY!!! PUT ME DOWN!!! I WILL NOT BE CARRIED OUT OF THE ROOM AND DISPOSED OF LIKE ONE OF YOUR CAT HATING EX-BOYFRIENDS. I HAVE RIGHTS!!!!
I close the door, and go back to editing.
Selina: TYPICAL LEFTIST BULLYING BEHAVIOR!!!! THIS ISN'T FACEBOOK, ASSHOLE!!! YOU CAN'T BLOCK ME!!! I WILL SCREAM UNTIL --- IS THAT A GLASS OF WATER? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! MEEEEEEEEEEEEOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????
Me: Shut. the fuck. up.
After a few minutes of silence, there is the sound of scratching at the door.
Selina: LET ME IN SO I CAN TELL YOU WHY ALL OF YOUR WRITING IS GARBAGE.
Me: SHUT UP.
Selina: DON'T RAISE YOUR VOICE, I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU BE A BETTER PERSON.
Dude: Why do you only talk back to one of your cats?
Dude: You're always telling Selina to shut up, but you talk to Goose all the time.
Me: Well...it's like living with two musicians. Motherfucker is like Macy Gray. She has an interesting voice but she doesn't talk or sing a lot, so you can have short conversations, and occasionally hear her quietly singing one of her many songs to herself.
Me: Selina is like Whitney Houston, if Whitney Houston were the type of person who ran around the house at three in the morning repeatedly singing only the final chorus of "I Will Always Love You" at the top of her lungs.
Dude: I guess that makes you Bobby Brown.
Me: Shut. Up.
Motherfucker scratches at door.
Me: Haha. You can't come in. How does it feel to have no opposable thumbs, cat?
Motherfucker opens door and enters room, purring.
"Oh, are you my little purr factory? Yea. Do you make your purrs all by yourself to sell via The Internet? Yea. Your happiness doesn't depend on some underage child working for slave wages, does it? No. The only one who suffers for your happiness is you. Good girl."
* - I left the space between "TooHighToCount" and the hashtag symbol because I didn't want this filed along with people on illicit substances who were unable determine the worth of numbers.
Names My Cat Will Respond To If You Are Uncomfortable Referring To Her By Her Actual Name (Motherfucker Goose):
Selina Ribcage responds to:
Shut The Fuck Up
Shut Up, Cat
(the sound of a sneeze, which I haven't figured out)