Honest Conversation Is Overrated
Actual Human Interactions Witnessed Or Overheard
In Twentieth And Twenty-First Century America
In Twentieth And Twenty-First Century America
Random British Customer, after purchasing "Mad About Trump": "It's quite an interesting President you have here."
Me: "It's amazing how your accent changes the pronunciation of 'morally bankrupt piece of shit'."
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"You know that guy who works at the hardware store? He was on the phone with someone, and he was saying a bunch of Pro-Trump stuff, so I sort of tuned him out. And then I heard him say 'You're going to abandon me for being pro-Trump? After I stuck with you through your whole child pornography situation?' I have to know that now. I have to know that this guy isn't just a Trump voter, but that he's a long time supporter of a child pornographer. And you know that everyone who works with him knows both of those things."
A dad in his thirties comes in with a six or seven year old on a leash. The retail employee senses trouble.
It's not a leash,exactly. It's not around the kid's neck. It's toddler handcuffs. They're plastic. They probably don't chafe. As much as metal. A dad in his thirties comes into a store with his sixish year old son handcuffed to him . But, you know, big goofy, colorful plastic handcuffs with a two foot long cord, so it doesn't look as terrible as it is. A dad in his thirties comes into a store where there is one employee, and one former employee on a ladder... The former employee loves to stand on ladders. Earlier in the day the current employee got up on a ladder and made a joke about how he wasn't like that former employee who just went around standing on ladders for no reason. He clearly Bettlejuiced the former employee who is now standing on the fucken ladder. ...and the dad is followed by two also bearded, also thirty-something dadbros. No other kids. The handcuffed kid is crying. "I want Pigget. Give me Pigget." The dad with the handcuffed son says "We didn't get Piglet. Remember? You weren't good enough for Piglet." I am not a dad. I do not know what this kid's behavior is like. I do not know their financial situation. It is not yet for me to judge how the dad is handling the Piglet crying. This could be totally legit. You know, without the toddler handcuffs. The dad turns to me. "This is his mom's fault. Bitch has to mention Piglet. he doesn't even know who fucken Piglet is." I am now judging him. In my experience, misogynists are rarely good parents. Particularly when they misogyne in front of their seven year old handcuffed kids. The dad and his short prisoner wander around the store, coming perilously close to knocking my former coworker off her ladder. She doesn't notice this. The air is thin up in ladderland. The ground is another terrible world. The handcuffed child sees a series of Pops and Dorbz. He wants one. Dad says "You don't even know who they are." which, again, might be reasonable without the context of the misogyny and the handcuffs. The handcuffed child says "Huck." The handcuffer dad says "Hulk. That's close, though. Good. Uncle Stan will get that for you." And then, to me. "That was pretty good. He was non-verbal until a few months ago." I do not reply with "Maybe he just didn't want to talk to his shitty dad." but I think it really loudly. Uncle Stan says "I'll get him the Hulk. But if he cries about Piglet again, I'm going to throw it into traffic." I don't like Uncle Stan, either. The group inoffensively talk about Comic Con both to me, and each other. Again, without context, their conversation is fine. With context, I hate them. The handcuffed child says "Huck." The handcuffer dad says "Be patient." The handcuffed child says "Pigget." The handcuffer dad leads the kid out of the store. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt (which he doesn't deserve) that he took him out of the store so that Uncle Stan wouldn't hear him talking about Piglet and refuse to buy the Hulk. With the Escaped Convict Family gone, Uncle Stan starts talking to me about comics he's looking for. Again, without context, his conversation starts fine. While Uncle Stan rambles about books he can't find anywhere, my former coworker finally descends the ladder. She has been up there since the late Cretaceous Period. Uncle Stan says "We don't have comic stores like this where I'm from." I do not ask him where that is. Uncle Stan says "Where I'm from, we have a church basement where once a week, they pull out hundreds of long boxes and some specialty items." Uncle Stan says "They had this really cool signed Spider-Man plate that I wanted, but it was $1500." "That's a lot of money." I say. "That's a lot of money to spend on Spider-Man plates." "That's three antique guns worth of money." Uncle Stan says. "I'd rather have guns than Spider-Man plates." I really want Uncle Stan to buy his shit and leave. Uncle Stan asks "Do you collect guns?" "No." I say. "I don't collect guns." Uncle Stan says "Where I'm from, a lot of collectors double-dip. Comics and guns, coins and n...paraphernalia." Is Uncle Stan a Fucken Nazi? Of course Uncle Stan is a fucken Nazi. Of course Handcuffy Dad has a friend he calls Uncle Stan who is a fucken Nazi. Handcuffy Dad? Probably also a Nazi. Today? Nazis in the store to-fucken-day? I don't know they're Nazi fucks. Maybe he was embarrassed to say Naruto to me? Neopets? If Uncle Stan and Handcuffy Dad hadn't been otherwise shitty, would I have even assumed the "n" paraphernalia was Nazi? Maybe. Uncle Stan returns to talking about humdrum humdrum whatever comics that he couldn't find. Very polite. Talks more about Comic Con. Nothing offensive. Regular conversation. Is Uncle Stan a Nazi Fuck, though? I mean, I think so. I definitely think so. Don't Nazi Fucks just look like anyone now? No visible racist tattoos. No Klan hoods. No racist shirts when they are just out buying comics like regular people. Like Nazi Fucks are regular people. Uncle Stan pays for his comics with a Hundred Dollar Bill. It was not the last one in his thick wallet. I don't know what Uncle Stan does for a living, but he appears to be loaded. The Third Man, who has been Entirely Silent for the entire trip says "Stan, you should tell him about the Hulk vs. Wolverine statue you bought." Uncle Stan says "It's huge." "Could barely fit it in the car." Third Guy says. "We almost had to tie Tiernan on the roof." Uncle Stan says "If he mentions Piglet again, I'm going to tie him on the roof for real." Third Guy says "I told him he should have Stan Lee sign it. Stan Lee was Right There." Uncle Stan says "But it was too big." Third Guy says "The base, then." Uncle Stan says "But I don't think Stan Lee created Wolverine. It was someone else." "Len Wein" says my former coworker who is on the floor like a reasonable human being, and not up on a fucken ladder. Uncle Stan does not acknowledge her. She does not appear to notice. "Chris Claremont or someone." He says. "Len Wein." I say. "Really?" Uncle Stan asks. "Huh." Taking a walk around my neighborhood this morning, I noticed, for the first time, that there are about a half dozen rainbow flags hanging from various houses on the block I live on. I also noticed that all of them are upside down. I just don't know if that was done purposefully.
After the hideousness that is 2016, the only way I can hold out hope for 2017 is to imagine the entire incoming administration gets so excited about all the civil rights they're going to remove, and all of the people they're going to oppress, that they all climax to death, and Obama, who isn't perfect but also isn't nearly as evil, is forced to remain president for the first six months, as we run another election cycle. But during this one, everyone who has ever run for President before is banned, resulting in America's first Muppet Administration.
President Scooter turns out to be a fair and bipartisan candidate, even reaching across the aisle and nominating Sam The Eagle as Supreme Court Justice. Rowlf the Dog is originally disappointed when he's rejected as Surgeon General but Dr. Teeth defies all expectations by both legalizing marijuana and eradicating tooth decay in his first four months in office. Janice (did you know she and Scooter were married?) becomes the First Lady, and her Dance Yrself Clean Initiative lowers the national BMI by five percentage points. Celebrity deaths are at an all-time low because the media fails to report that the entire casts of Duck Dynasty and Jersey Shore, as well as Tila Tequila, Bill Cosby, Scott Baio, Fred Durst, and Matthew McConaughey are all felled by the Shartington Epidemic which only affected people who ate at a particular Chic-Fil-A. When I was in high school, my father gave me a copy of "The Way Things Ought To Be" by Rush Limbaugh, and I thought it was really funny. Then, for Christmas, he gave me Limbaugh's "See, I Told You So" and there was one particular chapter (possibly about Ted Kennedy?) that made me do some actual research at a library. Five minutes of research made me realize that my father's favorite radio personality was a horrible monster deliberately misleading the lazy (seriously, five minutes of research was all it took) and uneducated for his own (and his favored political party's) gain.
But for about six months, I totally bought into it. #nationalcomingoutday There is a live action spin-off of Drunk History, called Idiot History happening in out store right now.
I tune in and out, but so far the most egregious "fact" has been "Well, the Republicans just passed a law so that Obama can't be elected for a fourth term because he's so popular. And that's why they're pushing for Hillary because she came in second last time, so she's, like, the most popular possible person to be President." Her friend then asked why she wasn't Vice President, and she replied "It has something to do with the electric college." They both bought quite a bit of manga. I think watching Problematic Pizza Guy watch the Obama speech explains precisely type of stupid, not ignorant, stupid American who falls for idiots like Trump.
Obama: I keep reading letters that say 'Do something.' PPG: He wants me to do something. Everyone wants ME to do something. Me: No. He said people want him to do something. Him. Not you. You've got to actually listen to what someone says before you criticize them. PPG: I don't need to listen. I pick up enough of their underling (sic) message. This is the problem. This absolutely moronic waste of reproductive material talks constantly. And there are people stupid enough to think this guy has a single functioning brain cell. He doesn't. He doesn't listen. He doesn't understand what he half hears. But he speaks as though he's an expert on any subject brought up to him. There are four people in this place who are having very serious conversations with him, where they are on his side. Someone actually said "Obamacare taking all our guns away isn't going to solve anything. People will just get their guns from the black market and kill even more people because it was so difficult to get their guns." Now they're discussing the stock market, as if one of them wasn't unemployable, and the other didn't inherit this business from his marginally more intelligent parents. 'murica. Misogynist Blowhard Whose Opinion No One Values: What's the deal with Spider-Gwen?
Me: What deal? MB: Did she just drop in from another universe? Because Gwen Stacy died. Me: Yes. She's from a different universe. MB: I don't know how I feel about that. I shrug. MB: Because sometimes, you know, they just make a superhero a minority for no good reason, and I don't like that. I shrug. MB: Like, let's make Spider-Man a woman. That's why...that's why Spider-Woman never took off. I shrug. MB: She-Hulk, she's ok, but, I mean, why you know...why does it have to be a woman? I shrug. MB: I mean, I like diversity but now it's She-Thor and She-Hulk and Spider-Gwen and Captain Marvel is a woman and Captain America is, you know. I swallow a roar of laughter that Captain America is "you know". MB: Have you read any of those books? Me: Nope. This is a lie. MB: Ok. Ok. Do you watch SHIELD? Me: Sometimes. MB: Agent Coulson is interesting but why did they have to make it about all the girls? I mean, I like girls, but the story it's....it's....you know? I shrug. MB: I should probably go now. Me: We DO agree on something. MB: What? Me: Sorry, I just something on Facebook. MB: Oh, ok. Bye. I am an unapologetic hater of people who need to use the word "unapologetic" to describe a political stance, occupation, or place of birth in their biography.
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