Part Four Hundred And Twelve Of The Popular Trilogy

When I switch shifts with someone, it becomes increasingly clear that I've been slowly training people not to call and annoy me during my regular shifts. Everybody who calls today is part of the Lonely Asshole club, and they have fifty-five hundred questions about comic books that they've been misled to believe are important enough to waste my time on the phone.

Person On Phone: "Do you have the rest of the Mage trilogy?"

Me: "The rest of?"

PoP: "I was in the other day, and there are three parts of the story."

Me: "Ok."

PoP: "So do you have it?"

Me: "What do you already have?"

PoP: "It's in a bag."

Me: "Uh huh. What's in a bag? And where is this bag?"

PoP: "I gave it to you yesterday."

Me: "Nope. I wasn't here yesterday. I don't know who you are, or what you're looking for."

PoP: "The rest of the Mage trilogy."

Silence.

PoP: "Hello?"

Me: "I can't help you find the rest of something if I don't know what you already have."

PoP: "I see. I had the guy put issues #11 #12 and #13 in a bag."

Me: "Ok. Well, I don't know how that factors into a trilogy. There were fourteen issues of the previous Mage series, and the current run is up to six."

PoP: "Not the reprints."

Me: "Pardon?"

PoP: "Not the reprints."

Me: "What about the reprints?"

PoP: "I don't want them. I have the paperbacks from thirty years ago. Those have got to be worth a fortune, huh?"

Me: "Probably not."

PoP: "Do you collect comics?"

Me: "No."

PoP: "Well, if they're not worth anything, I should just give them away, huh?"

Me: "That would be very charitable of--"

Random Customer In Store: "EXCUSE ME. YOUR DOCTOR WHO. I NEED YOUR DOCTOR WHO."

Me (on phone): "Hold on a second."

I lead the person to the Doctor Who comic section.

RC: "NOT THE COMICS, GEESH! THE MAGAZINE. DOCTOR WHO THE MAGAZINE."
I lead them over to the--

RC: "HOW MUCH IS THIS? IT DOESN'T SAY HOW MUCH IT IS."

Me: "It's $11.99."

RC: "I REMEMBER WHEN THEY WERE ONLY FIVE DOLLARS."

Me: "Ah, the Good Old Days."

PoP: "I remember the good old days. How much are Watchmen issues worth?"

Me: "I have no idea."

RC: "CAN I PAY YOU FOR THESE?"

Me: "Sure thing. $11.99"

PoP: "They're only worth $11.99?"

Me: "No. Sorry, I'm talking to someone in the store. I don't know how much they're worth."

RC: "DIDN'T YOU SAY $11.99?"

Me: "Yes."

RC: "OK."

RC gives me the money and leaves.

PoP: "Did you find the rest of the trilogy?"

Me: "I don't know what you mean by The Trilogy. There were fourteen issues of the 80s and 90s run. The current run is up to six issues."

PoP: "The trilogy is the original story."

Me: "Ok. Well, there were fourteen issues."

PoP: "The trilogy?"

Me: "I don't know anything about a trilogy. There were fourteen issues of the old run. There have been six issues of the new one."

PoP: "Are the new issues part of the trilogy?"

Me: "I have no idea. I can't find anything online about a trilogy."

PoP: "Do you know why they made him bald in the reprints?"

Me: "Huh? He's bald in the new series because it takes place thirty years later."

PoP: "They're not reprints?"

Me: "The New Ones? No. The New Issues aren't reprints. They're new."

PoP: "Zoinks."

Me: "Look, I have a ton of people in the store and--"

RC: "I ALREADY HAVE THIS BOOK. I ALREADY READ IT. YOU CHARGED ME FOR A BOOK I ALREADY READ."

PoP: "That person is very loud."

Me: "Very. I have to go."

PoP: "Can you look up how much the old Watchmen issues are worth? I bet it's a bunch."

Me: "Sorry, the internet is down. I have no way of looking it up." This is a lie.

RC: "YOU CAN'T GIVE ME MONEY BACK BECAUSE OF THE INTERNET?"

Me to PoP: "Goodbye."

Me to RC: "I was talking to the person on the phone."

RC: "HE WAS ON THE PHONE FOR A VERY LONG TIME."

Me: "Yes, he was. Here's your twelve dollars. You can keep the bonus penny."

RC: "BUT IT'S NOT MINE."

Me: "It's my gift to you. Now, if you'll excuse me--"

The phone rings.

Same Person On Phone: "I meant to ask. Are Cerberus comics worth anything?"

Me: "Nope. You should burn them if your heat ever goes out."

PoP: "Really?"

Me: "Yea. I have to go. Bye again."

​If I ever meet this caller in-person, he's going to end up wearing this phone in a very uncomfortable way.