What's A Monkey Python?

​Yesterday was Comrade's birthday. As we've had almost every day so far this year, hanging out at home or going out, he didn't want to make a big deal out of it. So I ordered him a cookie cake from Perpetually Stoned Cookies.

I ordered the cake at three. Our store closed at eight, then I made my way to the cookie store.

Me: Hi. I'm here to pick up a cookie cake.

Stoned Employee 1: Sorry, those take an hour to make.

Me: That's ok. I ordered it over five hours ago.

SE1: Yes, but they take an hour.

Me: So. If I ordered it five hours ago, it should be ready.

SE1: What? You need to order them from our website.

Me: I did.

SE1: Then you have to wait an hour.

Me: Yes. I ordered one, online, at three. It's 830 now.

SE1, to the back room: DO YOU HAVE ANY COOKIE CAKES READY?

SE2: THEY TAKE AN HOUR.

Me: I ordered one five hours ago?

SE2: Your should order it online.

Me: I did.

SE2: Oh.

SE2 walks into the back.

SE1: Umm. Do you want some cookies instead?

Me: Sure?

SE2: I definitely don't have any cookie cakes ready. I could make one but it would take---

Me: About an hour? Yes. That's ok. I don't have an hour.

SE1: I'll just give you some cookies instead.

Me: Okay. Could I have two chocolate chunks.

SE1: We're out of those.

Me: O....k. Two M&Ms?

SE1: We only have one left.

Me: Big rush tonight?

SE1: What?

Me: Two snickerdoodles?

SE1: Ok.

Me: Two peanut butter cups.

SE1: DO WE HAVE ANY PEANUT BUTTER CUPS BACK THERE?

SE2: I JUST GAVE YOU A WHOLE TRAY OF THEM.

SE1: DID NOT!

Me: It's ok. I'll just have--

SE2: WE'RE OUT OF PEANUT BUTTER CUPS.

Me: What do you have left?

SE1: Sugar cookies.

Me: I guess I'll have four sugar cookies.

SE1 opens the cookie oven.

SE1: We're all out of sugar cookies.

Me, to the people behind me: Am I in a Monty Python skit?

Person behind me: What's a monkey python?

Me: Oh no.

SE1: I can give you four oatmeal raisin cookies.

Me: Of course you can. I'll just have four white chocolate macadamia cookies.

I take the box of cookies and order a Lyft, which arrives immediately. I go online and order a cookies and cream ice cream cake. On our third night together, I mentioned being irrationally angry at the existence of cookies and cream flavored Oreos. Comrade claims that's when he knew he loved me.

I am scheduled to arrive home at 9:20. The cake is supposed to arrive at 945. Perfect, I'll make waffles for dinner (we got a waffle maker for Christmas because he thinks waffles are the perfect food, and I think they're ok), then the cake will arrive. At 910, my phone rings. They are, somehow, already at the house. I am in front of their store, which is five minutes away from my house. I call Comrade.

Comrade: Did you lose your keys?

Me: No.

Comrade: Then why are you ringing the doorbell?

Me: That's not me. It's a delivery. Can you get it? I'll be home in a second.

Comrade: Sure.

Me: I --

My phone rings call waiting.

Me: Hold on a sec. The delivery guy is calling me.

Me: Hi.

Delivery Guy: I have your delivery. I'm outside.

Me: I'll be right there.

Delivery Guy: Umm. There's already someone here who says it's his.

Me: That's fine. You can give it to him.

DG: I thought you were going to pick it up.

Me: It's fine. That's my dudefriend. He can pick it up for me.

DG: Whatever.

I click back over to Comrade.

Comrade: I have the food.

Me: I know.

Comrade: Where are you?

The car pulls on to my street.

Me: Here.

I hang up the phone.

I start to get out of the car. The delivery guy is turning around in the parking lot. Comrade walks into the building. My phone rings.

Comrade: Why did you hang up on me?

I knock on the door behind him.

Comrade, hangs up his phone. "I thought you had your keys."

Me: I do!

Comrade: Then why did you knock on the door? Nevermind. I hope this isn't dinner. I just made waffles.