The Last Two Weeks

Nearly two weeks ago, I was coming home from a fantastically fun night at The Cantab Lounge, whistling, I was whistling. Not to ward off ghosts. Not with glee. Not a kettle letting of steam. I was just whistling. Ok, maybe with glee. I'd seen Sora twice in one week (thus beating our previous 2007/08 record of once every six months). I'd reconnected with Zach.

Oh, don't go looking for any entries about them to try and brush up on who they are. See, when I was done whistling, I entered my house like the filthy whore that it is, made my way into the bedroom, collapsed on the bed, and decided to check my e-mail before masturbating bed. But, lo, I could not check my e-mail. My password wasn't working. Maybe I typed it too fast. No. My. Password. Wasn't. Working. Hmmmm.

I clicked on the little Gmail link that said "My password isn't working", and was given the runaround by blocks of text. No problem, I'll e-mail their tech sup...huh. Gmail and Google do not offer e-mail tech support. Well, the fuck with them, I'm going to call and...hey, they don't offer phone support either. Still, over the next couple of days, I called Google three times, and was told by three different people that there was nothing I could do. Someone had hacked my account, and changed my secondary e-mail address, so that they couldn't e-mail me a new password. I would have to wait five days, without attempting to log in, before I could access a page that would ask me my secret question.

Well, that seemed like a steaming load of bullshit. So I surfed around until I found the "my account has been compromised page", which I swear they updated the night before, and it asked me some simple questions about my account, and within five minutes I had my GMail back.

I would have written an LJ entry about it earlier, but, the self same hacker had moved into my LJ account, deleted all my entires, changed my password, changed my secondary e-mail account, changed my primary e-mail account, taken over bad_sex, removed the other mods, appointed another hacked account as mod, posted a homophobic bullshit entry, and then went off to rape bluejays, or whatever it is hackers do when they get bored of arbitrarily destroying things.

Like Google, LJ has no e-mail or phone tech support. Like Google, they don't like to assist their customers when they're having problems. But, unlike Google, they also don't fucken respond to tech questions on their support page. A leisurely five days after I posted that my account had been hacked, and my e-mails switched, I received a lovely link to the FAQ telling me that should my account be hacked, I had only to go to a page that would send an e-mail to me with a new password. Of course, since the e-mail address had been changed, I wouldn't receive said e-mail (something I explained in my complaint). I restated my problem with added, boldfaced information (a passive aggressive tactic I learned from my boss). THree days passed with no reply.

Desperate, I left a comment in the journal of one of the original five LJ members, acknowledging that all my entires were gone, but I'd really like my account back, and what useless fucken Russian did I have to wedgie to geet someone to help me.

I was granted access the next day.

I spent three hours moving backed up posts from Blogspot and Google Reader here in LJ when I noticed that my laptop battery wasm't connected well. I attempted to secure the connection, when the connector fell the fuck off the battery. So. Goodbye laptop until I got a new battery.

No problem, a couple of nights later I was able to go to Best Buy, where I was told they only sold Universal batteries now, which weren't overly universal, and might not fit my computer...except...except there was one random Hewlett Packard battery floating around. And, hey, I have a Hewlett Packard laptop. The box said "fits all models", and even included my model number on the box. Sweet.

I made my way through Kenmore Square's swarm of Red Sox fans (at what turned out to be their last home game of the year), and on to the bus, and home. Home, where I cracked open the box, unwoun the cables and....and it didn't fit. The Hewlett Packard battery that "fits all models" including the one I won didn't even remotely fit my laptop. It was like trying to swab wax out of your ear with a Redwood tree.

Something had to be done. I fumed. I freaked out. (Best Buy being closed at this point) I threatened the pets of HP employees (all of whom were well out of earshot). And then, in the midst of my rage, I decided to unpack some of the boxes from my last apartment and...and an adaptor fell out. One that was exactly the right size to connect the wrong sized battery with the right sized latop. And...and..I was back in business.

Grand.

Last night, having just updated my Zune, and Firefox (which had been a total cunt the day before), I restarted my computer and was greeted with a message informing me I ran the risk of total harddrive failure, and should press F1 to start, and then back up everything on my computer.

I was not surprised to find that F1 didn't do a fucken thing.

So. I am once again without a computer. And, while I have Wednesday morning off to go to Best Buy and waterboard the guy that sold me this information death trap, I don't have a laptop.

I would have called you all, individually, of course, to let you know, but this morning, I went to plug my charger into the phone, and the charger snapped, and my phone went completely indiglo, and refused to acknowledge any buttons, including the power on and off.

So, if you need to get in touch with me, might I suggest Pony Express?

If anyone in the Boston area wants to drop by and keep me from killing geeks, I'm going to be in the Allston store, sharpening spears, and compulsively rearranging the comics. Possibly also watching Arrested Development or Scrubs, depending on how many customers are around (none, if they know what's good for 'em). And if you have, by chance, a laptop you're not using, that can run Firefox, a word processing program, and might have room for me to load my Zune software on it, that'd rule. Because without my laptop, my Zune is going to run out of power and be unchargable (just like me!), which will be decidedly unawesome.

I'm going to the store now to rest a bit before we open (noon). I'll probably be back and forth to the internet cafe (where I'm typing this) between now and then. Wishing I was home. Because, the same night I went to Best Buy and bought a now useless new computer battery adapter, I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and turned my not-so-wonderful bed, into a bastion of comfort. I can't wait for the new mattress pad to magically transform into molten lava, or become otherwise unusable.