Kissimmee: Despite Winter Storm Inga, Shit Storm Donald, and Storm Drain Clowns Who Rip Arms Off Of People From Maine When It Rains, the sure sure sure you know how long it's been annual drunken mini-golf event without a hitch. Not a single person married.
After having his undefeated streak crushed during The Martha's Vineyard Bros Games of 2014, and then having a steady decline during the three round Ariel-Baker-Gibberish Drunken Putt Putt And Oh God What Was The Name Of That Card Game That Chloé Cunha Had Us Play? 2015 Cape Cod Summer Slam, it looked as though Adam "Consesually Comes From Behind" Stone has reclaimed the tarnished but somewhat respected trophy.
The tournament started sober as, after an hour long journey through a flea market that barely hinted at the decline of American civilization, despite being located next to a patriotic machine gun range, this year's combatants were eager to throw off the stress of the impending government shut down, and the aforementioned winter storm, and get to chasing brightly colored balls around a Congo themed mini golf course which is about as accurate representation of African culture as Paul Simon's Graceland.
The front nine of the first round was mostly unremarkable, save for the constant interference of Doomsday "I Don't Need A Middle Nickname My Fucken Name Is Doomsday Honeymoon" Honeymoon, keeping Daphne "No I'm Not Happy To See You, I Have A Chihuahua In My Cleavage" Gottleib out of the running.
Hole Eleven, the famed Drop Of Doom(not named after the wiggling sharkhuahua), was the beginning of the end for then leader, Gary "You Didn't Even Realize I Was Playing Until I Was In The Lead" Hoare. Alas, Heartbreak Hill, which has resulted in a lead change every year the course has been played, led to Robert "Rookie Of The Year, But It's Only January, So Don't Get Used To Your Title" Lashley usurping the front spot. but losing it on the next hole to Adam "I Told You My Middle Name Was Consensually Comes From Behind" Stone, who held it steadily until the end of the first round.
With the first round scores being:
Stone - 50
Hoare - 53
Lashley - 54 and
Gottleib - Stop Wriggling, Tiny Dog!
the crew went to the historic Orlando Crapplebee's where they avoided botulism by not eating any food, but procuring some drinks. Gottleib had a Maker's Mark neat, Lashley had The Designated Driver (which isn't a pun on a putt-putt course), Hoare had a Sam's Winter and a Lagunitas IPA, and Stone had two Patron Margaritas and then a blend of Jack Daniels products in a fucken fishbowl. All this while, across the bar, a couple of derelicts who were also between rounds at the mini gold course tried to lie their way to a comped meal by exaggerating the twenty seconds the server took to get their order to twenty minutes. Because most people suck.
Gary Hoare began the second round losing his composure and his ball on the Dukes Of Water Hazard Hole. It is still unclear where the ball went, but that may be due to the dyed color of the water matching both Hoare's ball and his shoes.
The whole tournament was just about even through the fifth hole where some stationary rocks threatened to take Stone out of the tournament. Lashley and Gottleib alternated taking the lead through such controversial holes as #NotAllHoles, #AllHolesMatter, and Mein Shaft, the triumvirate of shitty misogynist, racist, homophobic, and misandric holes on the "Congo" course where the front 18 is called Stanley, the back 18 is called Livingstone, and they play more jazz guitar than you'd expect in...well...anywhere, if you're lucky.
After accidentally off-roading on That's A Long Hallway To Walk Through Just To Get To The Lobby, Stone managed a Hole In One, despite the interruption of a roving band of children and what Gottleib accurately labeled Alternate Weekend Custody Dad. Still, Lashley and Gottleib held the joint lead, even when Hoare could no longer hold his bladder at the prospect of having to reconquer Heartbreak Hill. (He used a bathroom, he's not a monster. Though Gottlieb, Hoare, and Stone had all had Monsters previously.)
Gottleib took the solo lead, shocking the world by getting a Hold In One on Heartbreak Hell. It seemed no one could catch her. But then Stone used his meticulous murder hands to win each of the last three holes, and steal victory.
Stone - 51
Gottleib - 52 (thanks to Sleepy Doomsday)
Lashley - 53
Hoare -Fuck This, Let's Get Barbecue
There was some post-tournament alligator feeding, where Stone tried his best to feed some very cold and very stupid reptiles who were more focused on chewing on plastic tweezers than the meat attached to them. This was followed by some human feeding at a barbecue restaurant which was much more successful. So successful that the entire crew overslept manatee swimming and water parking, and are now debating whether it's time for Rounds Three and Four of the tournament to take place at an indoor glow-in-the-dark course. Stay tuned. Same wriggly time, same wriggly website.