Rainbortion (Part 1: Bad Homo, Stop Thinking With Your Dick)

I have been between boyfriends now for more years than I can count on one hand. I wish this was a reference to the longest threesome in the world, but it's not. I haven't dated anyone this millennium. I've only been seriously interested in about four people. I've been amusedly interested in about a quarter million people.

There are certain types of people I could find attractive than I would never date: married or already dating men, serial killers, Clay Aiken fans, roommates, ex-gays, slam poets. In the seven years I've been actively slamming, I've been attracted to several poets, but never even considered dating one. Fucking one, maybe, but even that has repercussions. Do I really want a poet with an asterisk in their name reading poems about the size of my cock? Do I really want to spend a year making every audience member uncomfortable as I graphically detail the way Asterisk squeals when I slide my---No. Nobody wants to hear that (well, ok, maybe you sickos, but not a slam audience). So, I don't fuck or date poets. Never have. Sure, I slept with Steggy at least a dozen times, but we were both fully clothed and trapped in either hotel rooms, or other poets' guest bedrooms.

I don't fuck roommates because I've had enough drama with roommates as it is. And who wants to wake up with an eviction notice and a sword hovering over your midsection, your hot Gay roommate saying "It's either you or your cock. One of you needs to leave this house as soon as possible and never come back."? Maybe Steggy, but he'd just be role playing.

I don't fuck Clay Aiken fans because they have terrible taste in "music" and garish taste in performance art.

Serial killers just don't return my calls.

Married or dating men? No thanks. I prefer to alienate people with my personality, not adultery.

Dmitri and his boyfriend are coming into town in a few days to check out colleges. No, this is not the beginning of a "what should I do, he's dating, and I'm interested" blah blah blah post. He's dating someone, I'm over it. I'm just really grateful he's coming to town because I'm in a quandary.

I'm attracted to a slam poet. Not just any slam poet, a TERRIBLY BAD slam poet. And, it's worse. Not only is his writing mundane, he's incredibly annoying. He talks constantly about things he, apparently, knows nothing about. He refers to Livejournal as "leej". He treats being a part of an online community as real life, telling me about comments he made to some woman who tried to get into some snobby ratings community he's a part of. He's slept with and been dumped by Asterisk, and both have them have spent hours explaining why things didn't work out: because terribly bad slam poet is annoying. Some "fat, annoying kid" hit on him at a show, and HE GAVE HIM HIS NUMBER. He then played me the depressingly passive-aggressive voicemails that the "fat, annoying kid" left on his cellphone. All this, and I've only hung out with him once! Clearly, I should start avoiding him, fling rubber bands and Corona Light (which is the most redundantly named beer ever, and he drinks it) bottles at him when he takes the stage. I mean, the obvious solution is to stay as far away from his as possible. So I invited him to dinner tonight.

Will someone please kill me? At the very least, point at me in the streets and say "Bad homo, stop thinking with your dick!"?

Dmitri? Cheerio? Celeste? (On second thought, Celeste and Sir Trick are joining me on my not-date tonight, so I'd probably benefit from her NOT shouting "Bad homo, stop thinking with your dick" during the meal. Though it would amuse my favorite bartender.)

I desperately need someone's help. I just have this horrendous fear that he will be so annoying tonight that I'll have no choice but to take him home with me.