After the hideousness that is 2016, the only way I can hold out hope for 2017 is to imagine the entire incoming administration gets so excited about all the civil rights they're going to remove, and all of the people they're going to oppress, that they all climax to death, and Obama, who isn't perfect but also isn't nearly as evil, is forced to remain president for the first six months, as we run another election cycle. But during this one, everyone who has ever run for President before is banned, resulting in America's first Muppet Administration.
President Scooter turns out to be a fair and bipartisan candidate, even reaching across the aisle and nominating Sam The Eagle as Supreme Court Justice. Rowlf the Dog is originally disappointed when he's rejected as Surgeon General but Dr. Teeth defies all expectations by both legalizing marijuana and eradicating tooth decay in his first four months in office. Janice (did you know she and Scooter were married?) becomes the First Lady, and her Dance Yrself Clean Initiative lowers the national BMI by five percentage points.
Celebrity deaths are at an all-time low because the media fails to report that the entire casts of Duck Dynasty and Jersey Shore, as well as Tila Tequila, Bill Cosby, Scott Baio, Fred Durst, and Matthew McConaughey are all felled by the Shartington Epidemic which only affected people who ate at a particular Chic-Fil-A.