Please Don't Let The Door Hit You On Your Poorly Shaped Ass On THe Way Out; Oh, Wait, Do

While editing an entry for bad_sex, I was waiting for a guy. I can't say not just any guy for he was just any guy. We'd e-mailed back and forth a bit. A 32 year old guy, fairly tall, black hair, practiced gay bottomer just wanted to come over and get fucked all night long. Sweet, right?

Apparently, where he's from, night is roughly four and half minutes long.

Maybe it's my fault, I transposed the first two numbers of my address, so he wandered around lost for a bit (luckily there is no house with the transposed numbers, and he was at least smart enough to realize that I don't live at a Dunkin' Donuts).

When he finally found the house, he knocked. I answered the door. And a not quite so tall, not as dark haired as in the picture he sent, not as young as in the picture he sent, guy was there. At least forty. And under careful scrutiny after he left the house, it can be determined that he didn't send a really old picture of himself, he sent a picture of someone who marginally looked like him. It's a very small picture. Maybe 75x75 pixels. I should have known. He'd also included a picture of his ass, probably figuring that no one would be able to tell the differences between asses based on a 75x75 pixel picture, as long as the skin tone was accurate and the shape roughly the same. Well, he didn't know he was meeting an ass connoisseur. When cops have Closed Circuit footage of drive by moonings, they call me in and have me investigate the subjects (and, if they're guilty, I get to investigate more liberally). The pic was not his ass.

I still stuck my dick in it.

Condomed, naturally. And after a lubing.

After a couple of minutes in the dog position, he said "Ow. Could you. Slow down?"

Of course I did.

"Still. Maybe. Maybe another position. It's very hot in here."

Sure.

Position change. Position change. Position change.

"I need a break."

It's been a little over four minutes.

"I just. I wanted all night, but. I've only been doing this for a couple of weeks. And I think I like it but. Can I use your shower?"

"Uh. Sure."

"I'll need a towel."

Yes, you will. So, I reach for the closet doorknob. Of course, my hand is covered in lube, so I can't open my closet door to get the towel, nor can I towel off my hand to open the doorknob because the towel is on the wrong side of the door.

When I finally manage to get the door opened, I pass him the towel, and he starts to walk naked out of my room. "You should probably put the towel on." I say. "I have roommates."

"Are they home?"

I don't know. "Possibly. Better to be safe than to freak out my roommates, though."

He shrugs, throws the towel over his shoulder and he and his not as well shaped as it was in the pic ass mosey on into the bathroom.

While he showers, I put on my clothes, and wash my hands in the kitchen.

He comes into the room dressed as well. "Do you want to jerk off?" he asks.

Not with you, you lying fucken weirdo. "No thanks."

"I live right down the street." He says. "We could do this. A lot."

Yea, I really look forward to having a guy come over, let me fuck him for four and a half minutes and then have him use my shower. That's hella sexy. Hold me back.

"I'm very discrete." He says, in the gayest voice ever. Gayest. Carson Kressley thinks this guy's voice is annoyingly shrill.

And out the door he walks. He won't be coming back.