My mistake, today, was in opening early. It's ten minutes before I'm even supposed to be giving the stink eye to the heroin addicts when a guy comes in with one of our plastic bags, throws it on the counter and says "How much for these?"
I am in Qughincy, so I can barely muster an eye roll. "What are they?"
"A bunch of old comics I found in my attic. They were my dad's. He says they're worth fifty bucks."
I open the bag, a little suspicious that his dad has one of our plastic bags up in his attic. Sure enough, the comics he has found in his dad's attic include such antique titles as Brightest Day #4, The Return Of Bruce Wayne #3, and Batman #700, which came out back in the dark ages of June 9th, 2010. "I think your dad is playing a practical joke on you. These comics are about two weeks old. We already have plenty of these items in stock, and no interest in buying more."
"That other guy who works here. The chink. He usually buys my stuff. It's valuable."
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd we're done. "You're welcome to come back when he's working. His name's Tom, by the way. I'm not buying these from you."
And I walk over to the children's section to straighten out the books.
While I'm doing that, he meanders over to the dollar section, and starts picking up books at random. "Hey, buddy. How come these books ain't got no ratings on them?"
I am not getting roped in to this conversation. "Because they don't."
"They safe for kids? I got a nephew."
"Depends on the age, and the kid. Some of them are violent, some of them may have strong language and adult themes."
He giggles when I say adult. "So they nudie books?"
Eyeroll. "No. None of them have any nudity."
"Because I got a Superman book here once where Lois Lane puts a dildo in Superman's butt."
"Well," I say. "I tell you what. You go home right now, get me the DC comic of Lois Lane putting a dildo in Superman's butt, and I'll give you five thousand dollars."
The guy stares at me. "Really?"
"Yea. The dildo issue is one of the rarest comics in the industry. So you should go home RIGHT NOW and get it."
"Five thousand bucks?"
I walk toward him. "Six thousand if it's in mint condition. But you have to get it now, I'm being relieved in an hour, and the other guy will probably try and rip you off."
"I don't know where it is."
"Well go find it. It's worth FIVE THOUSAND dollars. Isn't that worth going through some drawers? An attic?"