This morning at work, one of my coworkers brought me a gift: Mexican candy. How sweet, I thought. How fucken wrong I was.
Has anyone on this list ever had Mexican candy before? I've had Australian candy, Austrian candy, Brazilian candy, British candy, Canadian candy, Chinese candy, French candy, German candy, Italian candy, Nigerian candy, Swazi candy, Swiss candy, and Taiwanese candy. Some I liked (Swiss chocolate...mmmmm), some I wasn't particularly fond of (toffee is...ehhh), but all was easily identifiable as candy. The four objects that were presented to me as Mexican candy was a textural and flavorful affront to God.
I don't know what the hard chunk of rock in the center of my "candy" was, but it was covered in a squishy layer of CHILE POWDER. Let me repeat, the "candy" that I was given was covered, not in sweet sugar or whatever it is that makes sour worms sour, but CHILE FUCKEN POWDER.
It would be rude of me to spit out the candy I was given as a gift, however, as the gift giver was quick to point out, my eyes were watering. I was also on the brink of puking. Seriously, I haven't gagged that hard since I blew the hippie with the nine incher and the gallon of patchouli he used in lieu of showering.
"Why does everyone gag on my candy?" She asked. "Is good, no?"
No. Is not good. Is very very bad. And the mango lollipop that she gave me should have been good. I love mango. Candied mango is one of my favorite snacks in the world, but candied mango is covered in sugar, while this...lollipop?...was covered in...yeup, Chili fucken powder.
The flavor was so intensely awful that I started to hallucinate. I envisioned a troop of hot Mexican men that I'd wronged handcuffing me, and forcing me to give cunnilingus to a stank woman with a chili powder covered vagina.
It took a whole gallon of Cherry Coke, and a few hours of intense therapy to get the flavor out of my mouth.