Rosebud

Today, while my clothes get their warm, soapy, freak on, Problematic Pizza is devoid of the owner, but there is a very loud phonestalker doing his best to make sure I have something to write about.

Shitbrains Loud Talker: "The sled is in the car. It's in the car in the driveway. Well I'm not at home. I'm not at home. I'm out. I'm not there. I don't have it with me. Because I'm out. I'm not home. Well, tell him he can't have it right now. I'm out. I'm not home. Tell him if it's that important, he should buy his own sled. I'm out. I'm not driving home, picking up the sled, driving to his house, and then coming back. He's a grown up, he can afford his own sled. He's thirty-three. I don't even know what street he lives on. No. I'm not going to his house right now, I'm out. I'm not home. It's like I told you, the sled is at home, I'm not. He should get his own sled, then. I'm hanging up now."

After a minute, the guy's phone rings again.

SLT: "Hi. Yea. She told me. I'm not home. Can you wait an hour? There is no such thing as a Sled Emergency. I'm out. I'm not bringing the sled to your house right now. I'm out. Fine. An hour. What street do you live on? The street name. The name. That's a number. What's the name? I don't know where that is. Yes, I realize that's where you live, but I don't know where it is. You know what, why don't you pick it up at my house? An hour and a half. Because I'm not home. The door is locked. Because it is. It just is. Why don't you buy your own sled? They cost ten bucks. No. No. My sled cost ten bucks. You don't have ten bucks for a sled? How much do you spend a week on pot? You don't have ten bucks for a sled? Forget it. Well, maybe I want to go sledding now. It's my sled. Stop yelling at me. No. No. Forget it. I'm not coming. Nope. You shouldn't. I won't be there. I'm not going home now. I don't want to. I want to go sledding. I'm going to go out and buy a brand new sled, even though I have a sled at the house, and I'm going to go sledding without you. Maybe I'll buy three sleds and give two away to homeless people. If you stop by my house, I will snap that sled in half right in front of you. It's ten bucks. Think I won't do it?"

He puts the phone down.

SLT, to the guy sitting across the table from him: "Your brother wants to borrow my sled. The guys is thirty-three what does he want to go sledding for?"

Guy Also Sitting At Table: "He's got a six year old and an eight year old. He probably wants to take them sledding."

SLT: "Oh, he just wants to go sledding?"

GASAT: "What else would he do with a sled?"

SLT: "Want to go buy him his own sled and drop it off at his house?"



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I seriously don't understand people. At. all.