Dildo Bill

Last week, I was showing Coworker a copy of the XXX variant of the new Sex Criminals comic by Matt Fraction and Chip Zdarsky. Zdarsky recently ended his run on the Howard The Duck comic, and for this cover of Sex Criminals, he had the male protagonist roleplaying as Howard the Duck, complete with mask. But the mask isn't JUST Howard The Duck. It's Howard The Duck's face with his upper bill replaced with a dildo.

So I started talking in a persona I called Dildo Bill. Dildo Bill speaks in third person, and is thoroughly awful. I don't remember any of the specific lines, but throughout the last week, I have, on several occasions lapsed into Dildo Bill when talking to Coworker.

On her break, Coworker encountered a new busker in the Square. He is also tone deaf. He also plays Beatles songs. But whereas the official Tone Deaf Beatles Guy is just nasally atonal, she described this guy as just yelling YE-LLOW SUB-MARINE. YE-LLOW SUB-MARINE, over and over while smacking the strings on his guitar.

Which inspired me to start channeling Animal from The Muppets yelling YE-LLOW SUBMARINE. YE-LLOW SUBMARINE. whenever things were getting stressful in the store.

At some point, Dildo Bill and YELLOW SUBMARINE guy merged in my head. And Dildo Bill would say things like DILDO BILL WANT COPIES. WHY IS STORE CLOSED? DILDO BILL MAD. -or - DILDO BILL THINK IF SCANNER NOT WORK, COMIC FREE RIGHT? HA HA HA HA HA DILDO BILL FU-NNY TODAY.

Then I'd go home and forget about Dildo Bill.

Today, on my way to pick up my lunch, I heard the new guy yelling YE-LLOW SUB-MARINE, YE-LLOW SUB-MARINE, and I just started laughing. Easily a dozen people in my vicinity started eyeing me like I might be as crazy as YE-LLOW SUB-MARINE. But I couldn't/didn't want to explain to this group of strangers about Dildo Bill.

This evening, someone came in on what must have been a bad Tinder date. She was awful. He was awful. She felt the need to tell everyone she encountered, including me, that they reminded her of someone on Supernatural, and told Awful Him "I'm a big Supernatural fan. You should know that about me. It is, literally, my life. I watch it, literally 24/7. Do you watch it?"

Awful Him said "No. It's not really my thing."

Awful Her said "Well, it's going to BE your thing. After we get dinner, we can go to my place and watch the first episode."

And Awful Him said "Uh-huh." in a way that suggested he not only was unlikely to watch Supernatural tonight, but that he was already planning a Fake Call to avoid dinner.

"Hey." Awful Him said to me. "What's the deal with all this shit on the back issue bins. I can't look at them?"

"Today is the day I split the books." I said. "So I have to cover up the back issues for a few hours. Sorry."

Awful him said "That's lame."

"Be Nice, Bill." Awful Her said.

AND I LOST IT.

All I could think was DILDO BILL WANT BACK ISSUES. DILDO BILL THINK YOU LAME. DILDO BILL HATE LAME. DILDO BILL NO LIKE SUPERNATURAL. MEAN LADY NOT MAKE DILDO BILL WATCH LAME SHOW. YE-LLOW SUB-MARINE. YE-LLOW SUB-MARINE. OOP. THAT DILDO BILL RINGTONE. YES. THIS DILDO BILL. WHAAAAAA? THE JOKER POISON GOTHAM WATER SOUP-PLY? NEED DILDO BILL HELP FIXING? OK, BATMAN. DILDO BILL BE RIGHT THERE. SORRY MEAN LADY, DILDO BILL MUST GO GOTHAM. CAN'T WATCH SILLY TV SHOW WITH YOU.

And then I imagined him making whooshing noises, as he sprinted up the stairs, never to be seen in this store again.

If she never comes back, either, I shall consider it a win.