Dicknee For President

After a Very Long Day Of Work, Owen Grey stopped by the store and asked if I would like to go out for drinks. Like a fool who'd never been to Cambridge before, I said yes.

After our first round of drinks, I mentioned watching Stargate.

Owen: "Did you hear about Patrick Stewart coming back to Star Trek?"

Me: "Yes, I--"

Really Entitled Guy: "I have feelings about Patrick Stewart."

Me: "Of course."

REG: "As someone who went to Harvard..."

Oh No.

REG: "But who dropped out. I'm not An Elitist."

OH NO.

REG: "I am a waiter at a Corporate Restaurant, and I could have been A Manager..."

O H N O O O O O O O O O O O

REG: "but I don't believe in corporate bullshit. But My Manager asked me who my favorite President was. I asked 'Can I pick two?' but he said..."

PLEASE NOOOOOOOOOO

REG: "So I picked LBJ. People only associate him with Vietnam. And, ok, he is responsible for the murder of hundreds of thousands of Vietnamese, but people forget he did a lot of good domestically. I went to Harvard.."

W h a t h a p p e n e d t o P i c a r d?

REG: "and My Manager is smart, but...you look Smart."

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

REG: "I'm a little drunk. Sorry. But, I grew up in Boston. And I'm Working Class."

Both Owen and I make eye contact with the shame-filled bartender long enough to get another round while he waxes pendantic.

REG: "Obama was ok. But people forget that Clinton promised the Rust Belt jobs, so when.." LOTS OF RACISM HAPPENS "...The Rust Belt said..." SO MUCH MORE RACISM "I'm not racist but" AN INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION OF RACISM "Which is why Trump won. Now, I'm Gay, but, and I don't tell Most People this" BECAUSE I'M A RACIST "but I voted for Mitt Romney" BECAUSE I'M A RACIST "And I say this as a Jew" which he almost definitely was not "whose mother is a Catholic" which is more likely "but I dated one of The Twelve" which is not impossible but fairly unikely "so I know to vote Mormon..." AN EVER EXPANDING UNIVERSE OF RACISM "Sorry, I'm prosteletizing."

Me: "It's fine. You've got my vote." He doesn't, but I'm very curious what's next. Aside from Round Three of Dark & Stormys.

A repetitious half hour or so passes.

REG: something something election Ohio "What's the name of the county?"

Owen lists actual counties from Ohio. Where he lived.

REG:"No. Let's call it" Not An Actual County Name "so the people there have short term electoral memory and..." RACISM RACISM CLASSISM

My mind wanders far enough away to order food and another drink.

REG: "And I'm Gay so I can say" A WORD HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO SAY EVER "and you get to go home and sleep with your beautiful boyfriend while I have to stay awake worrying about The World."

Where and Who is My Beautiful Boyfriend?

REG: "Could I have another round?"

The Bartender gives him a Gansett and a shot of Frenet. I Know This Guy.

REG: "I went to Harvard.But I'm not An Elitist. I believe when you see a Homeless Person..." he grabs my hand...THE FUCK?..."You pull the next one up." WHEN DID I END UP IN A MARC SMITH GROUP PIECE? WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY? "Every night I find a homeless person, and take them to rehab. Which I pay for."

NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Owen: "Wow."

REG: "These White People" so....us "they think of themselves as middle class, but you and me" NAAAAAAAAAAAAAH "you and me know we are more like" DON'T SAY 'THEM' "them...The" RACISM RACISM RACISM "Do you think $33/hour is better than minimum wage?" YES. IT IS. IT IS MATHEMATICALLY PROVABLE. "I was on a boat with my cousin, Ted Kennedy..."

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

REG: "I wanted to talk to him about Something, but he said 'Cousin, I want to talk about Nothing. Let's just sail together.' So we did." He mimes sailing. Poorly. Like he's driving a bus but is not tall enough to see out the windshield.

Me: "The Kennedys still owe me hundreds of dollars for a catering job they never paid me for."

REG: "Where are you from?"

Me: "Sandwich."

REG:"I'm from Working Class Boston. My mom is working class, but The Kennedys....Let's just say I could wake up on a beach in Hyannisport..."

HYANNIS, YOU ELITIST PIECE OF SHIT

REG: "And it would be" *kissing sound* "I've gotta pee."

He leaves.

Owen: "Wow."

Me: "Did you notice he spent that whole time talking out of the side of his mouth?"

Owen: "I did not. Did you know he is from Boston? And Ted Kennedy was his cousin?"

Me: "No. Every time I take a drink, I do it to keep from laughing in his face."

Owen: "I want to talk about poetry."

REG returns: "Politics are poetry. The results are prose."

SHUT THE ENTIRE FUCK UP.

REG: "I said that to my roommate in boarding school."

Me: "What school?"

REG: "Why do you want to know?"

Me: "I went to Northfield Mount Hermon. I'm just curious."

REG: "Oh. The" ELITIST VOICE DIALED UP TO ELEVEN says the guy who also went to boarding school "International UN School. I went to Working Class Boarding School"

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

"at Governor's Academy."

BWAHAHAHAHA *cough cough choke cough wheeze choke* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa *ahem*

REG:"I--"

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Working Class Boarding School BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhaahaaahaaa hoooooooooooooooooo

REG: "I---"

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BWAAAAAAAAAHUHHH Huhhhhh hoooooooooo boy


(Note: the laughter is all in my head. But it is LOUDLY in my head. I can't look at anything but my glass or I will explode.)


REG: "Next month I'm going down to Texas..."

Owen: "Are you moving down there?"

REG: "No.I travel a lot." But I only fly Working Class. "And I'm going down there to unseat Ted Cruz. Are you familiar with Beto O'Rourke."

Me: "No."

Owen: "A little."

REG: "Really?"

Owen: "Not really."

REG: "He's Very Important."

Owen: "Like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez "
REG: "No. No." HEEAAAAAAAPING MISOGYNIST RACIST CONDESCENSION. "That's a one off. This is Real Change. New York needs another Cuomo. I'm gay." He stands up AND PUTS HIS DICK ON MY KNEE "But I'm old school."

I move my knee.

REG: "I'm going to change the world." Great. Now I'm in a Taylor Mali po----his dick is on my knee again.

I grab the check, and my credit card.

Me: "I've got to go."

REG: "Most people just watch the world change around them. But we're going to do something." He grabs my fucken hand again. "Pull the next one up. The Blacks, The Hispanics, The Jews ---"

Me: "Always."

REG: "Most people don't think about the dishwashers." FUUUUUUUUUUCK OFF. "But that's who changes the world. I'm Irish, and last century, the governors were Irish and we did it for each other." He grabs my fucken hands again. "I'm all about freedom. Except those Muslim women in burquas. I'm pretty old school about that."

We leave.

Me: "Holy fuck."

Owen: "I'm from Boston and I'm working class, and Catholic, and Jewish, and gay, and my cousin is Ted Kennedy."

Me: "I hate him So Much. After he stood up, he kept putting his dick on my knee."

Owen: "Oh no. I didn't see that."

Me: 'It didn't feel that impressive."