Honest Conversation Is Overrated
Actual Human Interactions Witnessed Or Overheard
In Twentieth And Twenty-First Century America
In Twentieth And Twenty-First Century America
First call of the day, setting the tone:
Random Caller "Hi. Do you buy comics?" Me: "Not too often, but there are some things we're looking for. You're best bet is to call back Wednesday after 6 or Friday and Saturday during the day to talk to our buyer." RC: "Ok. When should I call?" I throw the phone into a vat of lava. Me: (screaming into the lava, obviously) "Wednesday after six or Friday and Saturday 11-5." RC: "Ok. Than--" Me: "And you should have a list prepared of what comics you are trying to sell. It goes much faster that way." RC: "Well, that's easy. I have the second season of The Walking Dead." Me: "The....the second issue?" RC: "The collection." Me: "Hardcover, trade paperback, or giant omnibus?" RC: "DVDs." Me: "We....we don't sell DVDs here. Just comics." RC: "But you could sell Walking Dead DVDs." Me: "Nope.We have no room for DVDs. You can still call the buyer if you'd like, but he's going to say no. You're better off trying Newbury Comics or someone that deals in DVDs," RC: "But it's a comics TV show. Why don't you sell it?" Me: "When you hang up are you going to try and sell your Fast & Furious DVDs to a car dealership? Or your Top Chef DVDs to a restaurant? We don't sell DVDs. I'm sorry."
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Random Strict Dad Customer: "Do you have any comics that an eleven year old would like? Something that teaches family values, particularly being obedient to your parents."
Helpful Coworer: "Have they read Amulet?" (The Amulet series begins with the death of the father.) There is a dad with his sixish year old blond son (wearing a Luke hood, no less) doing a live reading of Jeffrey Brow's Vader & Son book.
It's a pretty good day in the comic book store. Merman In My Tub: "What happens when an intruder from the sea stakes claim to your bathtub? A cool, yet demure teenage boy named Tatsumi must learn to live with the playful but self-obsessed merman, Wakasa, in a small Tokyo* apartment. These two dissimilar young men will learn what it takes to deal with each other in their everyday lives. Who knows, maybe something beyond friendship will unfold between them? Stranger things have happened. Or have they?"
* - of course Tokyo, this shit never happens in Omaha Random Loiterer: "Do you have blankets?"
Me: "It should be right behind Habibi." RL looks super confused. I move Habibi, and, ta-da, Blankets! RL: "No. I mean blankets. For a bed." Me: "Uhhhh, no. We're a comic book store." RL looks perplexedly at me and walks out the door. First Loiterer Of The Day walks in and starts rooting around the M-O wall of the store.
FL: Where are your Atari comics? Your ET? Your Centipede? Your Pac-Man? It should be noted that I have dealt with this jewel of a human being several times both here and during my days at the previous comic book store. Also, none of those titles would have been on the M-O wall. Me: I haven't seen those in years. FL: Where do you keep them? Me: We don't. I haven't seen them in years. FL: Could you help me find them? Me: No. We don't have them. They aren't in the store. FL: What kind of ads do they have in them? Me: I have no idea. I. Haven't. Seen. Them. In. Years. FL: I bet they had cereal ads in them. Do you think they had oil company ads in them? Me: ... FL: Because people needed oil to get to the arcades to play the games, so I bet they had oil company ads. I wonder what they looked like. Were they colorful? Me: ... FL: I used to collect Star Wars comics. This I know. I know him as That Asshole Who Always Puts Old Star War Comics Aside And Never Buys Them. Since 2009, I wait for him to leave and then return the comics from where he picked them up, knowing he won't be back for months or a year, at which point he will pick up the same books, promising to pick them up the next day. FL: Do you know bout the new movie? Business Associate: A new Star Wars movie? I think I've heard of that. FL: I guess a lot of people went to see it. There was an article about it in the paper. Don't have the paper with you. Don't have the paper with you. Don't have the paper with you. Don't have the -- FL pulls paper out of jacket pocket and begins flipping concernedly through the various sections. FL: Here it is. Here it is. There's a whole article on Star Wars. And pictures of people who went to see it. Isn't that chick hot? Me: *internal screaming* FL: You can keep the paper. In case you need it. I am unclear whether he means "In case you need it to talk about how there is a Star Wars movie." or "In case you need it to furiously masturbate to a woman I just objectified who is just a perfectly normal looking human being wearing normal human being clothes while she went to watch a popular movie, which is in no way sexually gratifying for people who aren't sociopaths like me." Me: I've already read the article, (and a thousand like it on The Internet) thanks. FL: Just keep it. FL exits. BA: I was about to go get you some rope. He mimes throwing it up over the pipe above the counter. I'm not sure whether he was suggesting I use it on myself or FL. The second loiterer was a Slight Improvement. While replacing some posters in the store, I had a maddening conversation with a guy who was probably trolling me.
Probable Troll: Why are you putting up that Ms Marvel poster? Me: Well, I'm replacing the pre-Secret Wars stuff with some of the post-Secret Wars posters that came in. PT: What? Me: These are for newer titles. The posters I took down were for titles that are older. PT: Ms Marvel isn't new. Me: It's a new run starting this month. That version of the All New X-Men is over. Also, I'm making this a wall of non-white dude superheroes. So, Ms Marvel, the new Ultimates team, Guardians of The Galaxy, and then, after leaving it on the front door for a couple of weeks, I'll put that Moon Girl & Devil Dinosaur poster over here. PT: So, it's, like, an affirmative action thing. Me: Yes. Because I feel that talking raccoons and tree aliens aren't properly represented in comics. Stare. PT: But you're replacing the X-Men with Ms Marvel. Me: Yes. PT: But, the X-Men are a minority. Me: True. But they're a fictional minority. Mutants, while relatable, aren't real. Pakistani teenage girls, though they aren't usually shapeshifters, are a demographic that don't have a lot of representation in comics. PT: But the X-Men have Storm and Jubilee and Bishop and Psylocke and a bunch of people who aren't white. Me: Very true. But that poster was Emma Frost, Cyclops, Magick, and the Stepford Cuckoos, who are all pretty white. If they send a poster of the new Extraordinary X-Men team, I'll put it up where the Guardians poster is. PT: Sounds like your power is overthinking. Me: What's your power? PT makes the Thinking Hard or Overcoming Constipation face. Me: You don't have a power, do you? A customer was purchasing the final volume of Marvel Now's Deadpool, which I was unable to find in the computer. After scrolling for a bit, I found it.
Me: "I see what happened. Somebody missed the first 'e' in 'Deadpool'. Customer: "Heh. Dadpool. He probably has the Dadbod to go with it." Random Loiterer: "I think you just found your new Halloween costume." Customer: "Yea! And I can dress my kid up as Kidpool." Random Loiterer: "Don't forget to give me credit." Customer: "I don't have a kid, guy. I was being sarcastic." There is a kid in this store LOSING HIS MIND that the residents of Gotham can't figure out that Bruce Wayne is Batman.
"LOOK AT HIS CHIN! IT'S SO SHARP!!!! HE'S BATMAN! HE'S BATMAN! HE'S BATMAN!" I wonder if he just finished eating an entire box of Lucky Charms. Random Loiterer: "There's an artist who worked with Alan Moore who was mentally ill."
I do my best not to make a snide comment. I succeed in saying nothing. RL: "I really need to find his book." Me: "Let me check online." I check. RL: "Any luck?" Me: "Unfortunately when you google 'mental illness' and 'Alan Moore' you get a TON of results. Many of them not very nice, and none of them helpful." RL: "Why wo---yeah, that makes sense, I guess." |
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