Coworker: "Sounds like you didn't catch my cold."
Me: "Nope. I woke up this morning, not feeling too great, so I drank about a gallon of juice and went back to sleep, and when I woke back up I felt good enough to ride a bike to work."
Coworker: "You drank a gallon of Abolut and rode a bike?"
Me: "NO. I'd be dead. Before I got to the bike. I drank juice. JUICE."
Coworker: "Vodka and juice?"
Me: "Are you on cough medicine? I drank juice. Lemonade. No alcohol, just juice."
Coworker: "I am on cough medicine, and I can't hear anything. Oh, can you cover my shift on Friday? I have to be at the Cape by noon on Friday."
Me: "You better leave at about 5am."
Coworker: "We're probably going to leave around nine."
Me: "On the Friday before the Fourth Of July?"
Coworker: "Oh no. I didn't even think about that."
Me: "You should just leave now and get a hotel. If you've got an extra few thousand dollars to spend."
The twelfth Harvard summer student of the day interrupts the call.
Harvard Summer Idiot: "I need to pick up my--"
Me: "Flashprint is closed until tomorrow. Their schedule is on their door."
HSI: "I lefft my tennis racket in there."
Me: "Sorry. That sucks."
HSI: "It's right by the window, next to my books. Can you get it for me?"
Me: "No. I don't work there."
HSI: "But it's right by the window."
Me: "Behind a locked door that I don't have the keys to."
HSI: "Who has the keys?"
Me: "The people who work there. None of whom are here today."
HSI: "Can you call them?"
Me: "FLASHPRINT GUYS!!!!! FLAAAAAAAAAAAASHPRINT!!! Sorry, doesn't seem like they're around."
Coworker On Phone: "I'm going to hang up now."