Dude I Once Met Via A Dating App I'm No Longer On: Hey. I didn't know you worked here.
Me: Yea. For about seven years.
Dude: Cool. I was hanging out at Peet's and saw that you were online. like 100 feet away, so I figured I stopped by.
Me: Um. I left my phone at home today.
Me: Also, I deleted that app months ago.
Dude: Weird. Must have been somebody who looked like you.
Me: Must. have. been.
Stranger Via Grindr: Hey.
Me: Hey. How's it going?
SVG: Good. What are you doing?
Me: Working. You?
SVG: What do you do for work?
Me: Enable Harvard students and professors with too much money and not enough financial discipline to relive their childhood and take out their frustration about their very lonely lives.
SVG: How big?
Me: How big is my job? Their childhoods? Harvard?
SVG: How big are you down there.
Me: Same height I am no matter where I'm working.
I don't know why I find it so funny when queer men Lie The Hell out of their age, but I do. Especially when they message me as though we don't know each other, as though their Grindr photo and their Facebook Profile pic weren't the same. Like, I KNOW you. I lived with your boyfriend while you were dating. You drank at my bar many times. If you were in your thirties then, you sure as Hell ain't in your twenties now. Also, I KNOW you. Your ass might be too drunk if you're sending me "U up?" messages like I'm---
Dude I Know But Have Never Had Any Non-Platonic Relationship With: "OMG Adam. Thought u were some1 else LOL."
Me: "I am in the process of dragging you on Facebook RIGHT NOW."
Me: "I'm not using your name."
DIK: "ok <whew>"
Me: "Did you by any chance buy a time machine lately?"
DIK: "whut? no? LOL"
Me: "Then how are you 24 now? Didn't you used to be 33 a couple of years ago?"
Me: "Am I wrong?"
DIK: "u got allzheimers"
Me: "I'm not the one who thinks he's a decade younger than he actually is."
DIK: "i kno how old i m LOL"
I put the phone down to type up a slightly altered version of our exchange (which you're reading, right now!).
DIK: "soooo....u up?"
Me: "Grindr says you're 2,000 feet away."
Me: "So did you just hear my eyes roll?"
Annoying Loiterer #1: Have you tried any of those nerd-focused dating apps? Jesse used Geek To Geek and met a really great guy.
Annoying Loiterer #2: I tried using a bunch of different apps, but none of those bitches ever e-mailed me back. For, like, no reason.
There Were Definitely Some Very Valid Reasons.
"Is that Drakkar Noir?"
"What year is this?"
In my spam folder this morning: "You got a wink from Sauron! (Asia)"
If I didn't know it was automated spam, I would write back: "How can you possibly tell when Sauron is winking from when Sauron is blinking?"
Pro Tip: When on a first date at a coffeehouse or restaurant, do not spend twenty minutes talking about how you couldn't find environmentally friendly lightbulbs for your apartment, so you sat in the dark for three months, punctuating the story with how you wanted to "have all of the babies" of the guy at the hardware store who helped you track down the lights you need, even though he was "too old for baby having".
Definitely don't epilogue the story about how you couldn't wait for the bulbs anymore so you figured "Fudge the environment, I don't plan on living long anyway."
While you go to the bathroom, your date will ask a total stranger to text him an "emergency text" so that he can leave without feeling especially guilty. And I will agree to help your date, feeling no guilt whatsoever.
Random Dude: "It's too bad you're not a bottom. We could have fun."
Me: "Such is life."
RD: "What are you doing tonight? Want to hook up?"
Me: "I'm working. And we don't appear to be a match."
RD: "We could meet where you work. Hawt."
Me: "Not really. I'm a security guard at a museum."
RD: "Museum sex. Hawt."
Me: "I work at the Museum Of Screaming Babies in the Used Diaper Wing."
RD: "LOL. Where really?"
Me: "Are you calling me a liar?"
RD: "Museum Of Science?"
Me: "No. We don't experiment on babies. That would be cruel."
Me: "Although that might explain the screaming."
Me: "Oh my god. Do I work at a baby torturing museum?"
Me: "I'm sorry. I have to go and reevaluate my life decisions now. Thanks for the chat."
Guy: "We went on a date once. Cambridge Common? It was fun. Then I never heard from you again."
Me: "That can not be true."
Guy: "Why not?"
Me: "How could I forget going on a date with a guy named Kirby?"
Guy: "Because I'm pink and I do a lot of blowing?"
Me: "..." "I was going to say because I work in comics and Jack Kirby is a really important name. If we only had dinner in a restaurant, I'm guessing I never found out about the other implication."
Guy: "No. Just checking your slut-o-meter."
Me: "Says the guy who mentioned giving a lot of blow jobs."
Guy: "It's a line. I'm not really pink, either."
Me: "You've got great pictures. It's sort of refreshing to see clothed pictures of people doing cool things."
Him: "Thanks, you too."
Me: "What are you doing in the fourth picture?"
Him: "Walking against the wind. I'm studying to be a mime."
Me: "I like a man with a sense of humor."
Him: "Thanks. I really am studying to be a mime, though."
Him, twenty minutes later: "Hello?"
If he's on the psychic mime wave, he'll sense that I'm shaking my head and not responding to his emails.