The final portion of "All My Exes Live In Sex Flicks" finds Adam taking on the role of Pumpkin Claus, in order to help out some beleaguered Christians. Then, Adam goes on a date booty call, and continues to get all meta.

Also, so as not to end on a short podcast, Adam then presents you with a Listener's Guide to "All My Exes Live In Sex Flicks" so that you can pretend there is some literary merit to this podcast.


This episode features nobody you will ever hear about again.


Intro Music: "The Great Pumpkin Waltz" by Vince Guaraldi Trio
Outro Music: "Southside" by Common (featuring Kanye West)

One night of potential fun turns into a night of self-doubt and a schism between the real Adam and The Insafemode version of Adam. Madonna posters, terrariums, freckles, and some serious self-image issues come in to play as a week of minor disappointments threatens to become a major problem.

Featuring Wiz, and two people you will never hear from again.

Intro Music: "Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch
Incidental Music: "Good Vibrations" by Mark Wahlberg and The Parliament Lites
Incidental Music: "Good Vibrations (Instrumental)" by The Beach Boys
Outro Music: "Good Vibrations" by Nina Hagen

Cute straight boys, nerdy punk rock animé haired boys, drunk bisexuals with tongue rings, Progaine Shampoo, key theft, butt grabbers, Livejournal, fetishism, Celeste, and Mortimer Velociraptor; the first part of this story was written for an Archie McPhee contest for embarrassing dating stories. I won. The final portion of the story won the hearts of Livejournal fans, as their favorite Insafemode Journal entry of 2004. I have altered it a bit, for continuity's sake, and because I hated it.

The convention mentioned is, yes, the 2003 National Poetry Slam. Also, there is a line that ended up in Drunken Conversations At Hampshire College. 

Also, the chair I was using squeaks periodically. I was not harboring a duck fugitive.

Featuring Saint, David, Celeste, Mortimer Velociraptor, and a bunch of people you will never hear about again.

Intro Music: The Revenge Of The Nerd Song
Incidental Music: "The Geeks Were Right" by The Faint
Incidental Music: "What What In The Butt" by Samwell
Outro Music: "Shut Your Mouth" by Garbage

It's not Phyllis's fault that she's the worst behaved dog in the world, her owner has some serious social issues that include writing passive-aggressive notes, stealing mail, and forging signatures on checks! It's, somehow, not even Adam's worst ever roommate, though she was nominated! All this, plus Adam meets David, starts working at another Kookaburra Canyon, gets involved in a horrific blanket warfare with a straight Australian, and watches Y Tu Mama Tambien. Not, necessarily, in that order.

Featuring Zuzu, David, Melissa, Jerry, and Cindy.

Intro Music: The Theme song from the 70s sitcom Phyllis
Incidental Music: "Let's Call The Whole Thing Off" by Etta Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong
Outro Music: "Don't Fuck With My Money" by Penguin Prison

Adam goes to Nantucket and live trolls a David Bowie fanatic who constantly talks about how he used to be fat. Also, glass breaks, there's a PJ Harvey concert, and oh yea, this all happens the weekend after September 11th, 2001.

Featuring Adam's mom, and nobody you'll ever be hearing from again.

Intro Music: "When You're Traveling From Nantucket" by The Animaniacs
Incidental Music: "Shattering" by glasses
Incidental Music: "Red Alert!" by the computer from Star Trek TNG
Outro Music: "The Good Morning Song" from Singing In The Rain

Adam moves to Burlington Vermont for reasons he's never been comfortable with. While up there, he sells fudge, goes to parties, talks to cats, coins the term "fucovehicuphobia", and ends up searching for a guy he didn't want to have sex with to begin with.

Featuring Ryan, Saint, Zuzu, and no one who will ever show up again.

Intro Music: "Fuck Your Face" by Phish
Incidental Music: "40" by U2
Incidental Music: "Get Miles" by Gomez
Incidental Music: "Siren noise" by police cars
Incidental Music: "Chirping" by crickets
Incidental Music: "Doppler Effect" by passing truck
Incidental Music "Running water" by someone's shower
Outro Music: "Saying Goodbye" by The Mippets