The Conners In Considerably Fewer And Less Problematic Seasons, Season 1: Life In Plastic Is Fantastic

Roseanne Barrnoldargent has spent most of the last few years ruining the hard work she did in the 80s and 90s, making the most realistic American sitcom of the 20th century. While the original run of the series had its ups and -- hooooboy -- some very deep downs, it was mostly a well-written family comedy. John Goodman, Sara Gilbert, Laurie Metcalf, and even Roseanne were dextrous enough to be funny while still injecting drama without reaching Melodrama. For the most part, the show has been about being progressive and understanding no matter what your political background. It was about acceptance, and being good to each other, especially your family, no matter what. That's why Roseanne's current pro-Trump racist persona is so sad to people who loved the show.

I loved the show. And I still love what it was. We're only one episode into Roseanne Minus Roseanne, and it was...fine. But it certainly opened the possibility that the show could be great again, but without any stupid red hats.

I don't know how many seasons this imagining will be. I'm going to keep it to ten episodes a season, like a Netflix or BBC show. The first season throws us right in the middle of Lanford, Michigan, as we open with an episode where The Conners get a Huge Windfall, which will be a recurring theme in the show.

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Season One:
​Life In Plastic Is Fantastic

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Episode 1: We're In The Money
Meet The Conners, a nice midwestern family with three kids and a live studio audience. All the positive elements of the show premiere here, as Roseanne and Dan work, argue about money, deal with work issues, try to raise their kids well despite being very flawed people, and spend their time in the outside world dealing with classism.

Episode 2: Lover's Lane
It's bowling time! The ladies of Lanford go bowling with their loved ones, including Jackie's love interest, George Clooney. Yes, that George Clooney. Meanwhile, Becky is in looooooooove with Chip, who is a 1980s feather-haired teenage dream. If you're into yuppie kids...named Chip.

Episode 3: Dan's Birthday Bash
Langford's local libations locale, The Lobo Lounge, serves as Dan's birthday palace, where everything goes completely smoothly and according to plan. Plus, Becky meets Chip's yuppie parents.

Episode 4: Becky's Choice
Chip's parents come to The Conner house for dinner.

Episode 5: Workin' Overtime
The American Dream is being a working class set of parents who have to work overtime so they can afford to pay the babysitters to watch their kids while they work overtime, right?  Featuring the first service industry employee in the show to not be an upper middle class snob.

Episode 6: We're Not In Kansas Anymore
Weather related tragedies were big business in 1980s/early 1990s television. Earthquakes, hurricanes, Poochinski. Lanford gets hit by a tornado and gives us our first look at a glorious Jackie meltdown.

​Episode 7: Death And Stuff
The age of the traveling salesman has long since given way to the age of popup ads, and this is the television episode that killed it!

Episode 8: Let's Call It Quits
The new boss at the plastic factory is no George Clooney. He inspires the cast to rethink their employment opportunities. It's misogymy and classism at its finest. Oh, and George Clooney is in the episode, he's just not the bad guy.

Episode 9: Inherit The Wind
The Conners parents come to the realization that, sometimes, raising your kids is a gas.

Episode 10: House Of Grown Ups
After a season of familial turmoil, it's time for sisterly bonding, as written by Joss "I Like To Promote Strong Women And I'll Scream That In The Face Of Any *Redated Gender Based Slur* Who Has The Gall To Question Me" Whedon.