I just got half way to the bus stop to run some errands, and realized my boots felt weird. I thought one might be untied, but it turned out that I was wearing one boot and one sneaker.
I am debating just not even attempting to leave the house again until tomorrow.
Regular Customer sees the poster for the first night of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer Headcanon.
RC: "I forgot that Nick Cave is in Buffy The Vampire Slayer movie."
Me: "Huh? No, he's not."
RC: "Sorry, not Nick Cave. Duh. Nick Cage."
Me: "No. He's not in it, either."
RC: "Yea, he is. He has that ridiculously long death scene."
Me: "That's not Nick Cage. That's Pee-Wee Herman."
RC: "What? No it isn't."
Me: "Yes it is. It's Paul Reubens. Pee-Wee Herman. The Spleen."
RC: "Pee-Wee Fucken Herman?"
RC: "No way."
Me: "He's On The Poster. Look."
RC: "What the fuck? He's not Nick Cage?"
Random Claude: "How can you not know he is? Orson Scott Card? The Scientology guy? He wrote 1984."
If anyone needs me, I'll be trying to hose down the blood stains until they match the shade of our carpet.
According to Mirriam-Webster's time travel technology, I am as old as brewski, buzz cut, cringeworthy, deconstructionism, download, ear candy, gazillion, guilt trip, karaoke, medical marijuana, parachute pants, power chords, scratch tickets, shark repellent, strip malls, and text messages. All things I could work into a single short story about modern depression. And sharks.
I got to work earlyish, to find five large boxes waiting for me. Clearly not our usual delivery. As soon as I lugged the first one in, our actual delivery showed up.
Delivery Guy: "Are you cheating on us?"
Me: "Yes. Every Sunday night I call our distributor and suggestively whisper to them that they're not an evil, incompetent monopoly, and they reward me by sending me giant boxes of shit to count."
DG: "I knew you got off on checking invoices."
Other Delivery Guy: "Haven't you seen his t-shirt? 'Cardboard makes me hard as a board'?"
Me: "Well, no one's topping that. I'll be going home now."
"I can't believe my legs feel asleep." says idiot who spent an hour and a half sitting on the barely carpeted floor of a comic book store.
I saw my coworker make a face at a couple who walked into the store. He's not prone to making faces, so I decided to follow them around while I took inventory.
For a few minutes they just made smoochy faces and said dumb things about comics, but then they struck gold.
Half Couple #1: "Woah, this wall is a door. What's...I mean...what's behind it?"
Half Couple #2: "Don't go in there! It's probably a bathroom."
It's not a bathroom.
HC #1: "It's too dark to be a bathroom."
HC #2: "Now I have to make a poopy."
Not what you expect to hear a 40-something year old say to another 40-something year old.
HC #1: "You are so sweet like candy."
HC #2: "Do you mean me or my poopy?"
Me: "Oh, come on."
HC #1: "My sweet poopy."
Coworker took out his cell phone and made a phone call to avoid listening to them.
They left. Without buying anything. But also not making "sweet poopy" on our floor, sooooo...that's a plus?
I love looking at housing rental descriptions where the property owner is obviously exasperated with having to deal with stupid people, but decides to be humorous rather angry.
Dishwasher: Makes dishes clean, requires detergent, and pressing the "on" button.
Freezer: Even colder! Excellent ice cream holder.
Oven: Hot. Don't store your ice cream here.
Microwave: Hot when you want it to be. Must plug in.
Televisions: 3 Flat screens.
Video Library: You don't have Netflix? There's a Redbox at the grocery store.
Pool: Requires heat October-April. Please think ahead and order pool heat before your stay. Pool takes two days to fully heat.
Hot tub: This is always a lie. The "hot tub" is just a spa. It is not warmer than the pool. But it has bubbles! Yay! But also chlorine, so don't drink it. Boo!
Me: "When I was a teenager, someone recommended Ayn Rand to me, and some wires got crossed in my brain, and I read Interview With The Vampire, and thought Well, it was okay, but I don't get why it's so politically divisive. By the time I realized my mistake, I had no desire to read Rand's work."
Friend: "Honestly vampires would make Ayn Rand 100 percent better, but it would still be unreadable."
Me: "Yea, 100% of zero is still zero."
A child comes in with hosiery over their hands. They are followed by an older brother and two parents.
Child #1: "I hope they have it. What if someone came in and bought it? *annoyed grunt* Do you have Sisters?"
Me: "Yes. It's right over here."
Child #1: "Perfect! How much is it?"
Dad: "It doesn't matter. We're getting it. Do you also have Drama?"
Child #1: "No. I just have Smile and the Babysitters Club books."
Dad: "We'll get Drama, then."
Older Brother: "I don't know why you read those."
Mother scolds the older brother by name.
OB: "What? They're not relevant to his...interests."
I glare in his general direction. All these books are by Raina Telgemeir, a fantastic writer who writes and draws fantastic all-ages stories that happen to also be Very Inclusive.
OB: "He's not a babysitter."
Dad: "He's not a princess, either. But he reads Princeless."
OB: "Well, Princeless is awesome. The Babysitters Club books are just ok."
I retract my glare. I disagree with his assessment about the quality of books, but disagreeing about quality is different from disagreeing about inclusivity.
Mom: "Leave it alone. The poor kid already has two judgmental parents. He doesn't need a third."
OB: "Then get a divorce already. All the other parents are doing it."
They all laugh.