Honest Conversation Is Overrated
Actual Human Interactions Witnessed Or Overheard
In Twentieth And Twenty-First Century America
In Twentieth And Twenty-First Century America
Fun way to spice up everybody's night at the grocery store:
Buy three boxes of kitty litter, eight bags of cat food, and one quart of egg nog. As the bored looking clerk scans your items turn to the stranger next to you and say "This is gonna be the best party EVER." The clerk cracked the hell up, but the woman next to me was not amused.
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I was going to spend a couple of hours when I got home, writing an absurd fictional story into my teleplay, but I stopped at CVS to buy soda and watched a man in a banana suit argue with a man not in a banana suit about the pros and cons of Astroglide vs the CVS brand lube.
I can't top that so I'm going to sleep. Random Loiterer: "Do you have Action Comics #1?"
Me: "Well, they've collected the early Superman stories in collections called DC Archives, which have the first eleven or twelve stories from Action comics and Superman in them." RL: "But the actual issue?" Me: "Oh, god, no." RL: "My uncle is a big fan. I want him to get him Action #1 for Christmas." Me: "It's over a million dollars." RL: "No." Me: "Yes. It's the most valuable comic in existence." RL: "What's the oldest Superman comic in the store." Me: "Superman #137, I think." RL: "How much is it?" Me: "Seventy dollars." RL: "Do you have anything really old for, like, two dollars." Me: "I've been perfecting this glare since 1977. You can have it for free." RL: "Hahahaha. Thanks!" Tonight's waiting for the bus adventure: a guy walks up and immediately says "How are you? I'm better than last night. Some homeless bitch tying to stay at my parents' apartment like I know her. Man, you can't trust nobody after that Nine Eleven shit. Fuck. Used to be people were people. Now everybody's got airplanes and shit. You know what I mean?"
"Tired." I say. "What?" he asks. "About a minute ago, you asked how I was. Tired." "I feel you. I got two jobs." he says. Under my breath, I say "amateur." "People. People trying to stay at my house like I know them and shit. You? You need a place to stay?" I chuckle. "No, man. But could I borrow your plane?" "What?" "Your plane." I say. "You said everybody has planes now. I want a plane." "Motherfucker, I don't got no plane. Why would I be waiting for a bus if I had a damned plane?" I smile. "I don't know your life, MAN. Maybe riding the bus is how you meet pilots." "You're fucken crackers, brother." He says. "Yea, BROTHER, I'm a fucken Triscuit." And he moved down the bench to talk to someone else about sports. Sometimes, you have to lean in the direction of the skid. I did a Google Image Search for "destroyed Christmas room", hoping for pictures of torn wrapping paper and a crashed tree and general "fun" chaos. Instead, it's all pictures of houses ravaged by fire around the holidays.
Thanks for bumming me out, Google. Last night, after some prebauchery (TM) at Grendel's, I was waiting for the last bus home. A very nice woman was sitting on the bench near where I was standing, and she was very nervous about missing the last bus. I explained that the last bus is usually very very late, as it waits for the last red line train, which waits for the last green line train, which waits for the apocalypse.
After a few minutes of very pleasant conversation, she said that she was still nervous that she had missed the last bus and that her roommate would be nervous because her phone was dead. Because I'm not a piece of human filth, I let her use my phone, and her roommate looked up online and confirmed that the last bus was coming. (How she checked, I don't know. All the apps I have to track the T said there were no more buses.) She gave me my phone back, and I realized I had to use a bathroom, so I told her I would be back and I RAN back to the store (the MBTA bathroom was coned off), used the facilities and ran back. She smiled and told me that I had just missed the announcement that the next train to Alewife was coming in five minutes. Awesome. As we talked some more a couple of very very white young lesbians with amazing hair walked over, and one of them sat between me and the girl I was talking to and said "Step off, SKETCHBALL. She doesn't want to go home with you." I was about to start laughing when my new friend said "Excuse me. You're the one being sketchy, sitting practically in my lap and trying to tell someone who I can and can't talk to." "Just look at this guy, though." and then to me, "I see the way you're looking at me." "I'm looking at you like you are too drunk to be in public and/or you are a super judgemental asshole." So now my new friend is laughing, and the girlfriend who hasn't spoken yet grabs the other one's arm. "FINE." she said. "I'm trying to help you, girl. Get raped, then." There was some prolonged eye contact between me and my new friend and then the bus showed up. As we got on the bus, the girl who had just called me a rapist for, I don't know, existing and not being attractive, decided to apologize. "I'm sorry. It's just. I mean, look at you. I teach a self-defense class." "Fuck you." Seemed really appropriate. "I hope when you sober up someone tells you how awful you were to a stranger." And I got in the bus and sat way in the back, and my new friend came and sat not next to me but very close. WISELY, the quiet girlfriend kept her obnoxious partner at the front of the bus, where she proceeded to antagonize the driver about where her stop was. As in, at EVERY stop she would ask "Is this Walden Street? Because I took this bus before and they didn't tell me where Walden Street was and I missed my stop. And that's BULLSHIT. If I miss my stop, you are paying for my cab." I was kind of hoping the driver was going to throw her off, but he did not. Though when she did get off, everyone on the bus let out an audible exhale. This morning I had a text from a number I didn't recognize thanking me for the use of my phone and hoping I had a better day than the night I had last night. So far, yes, but it's a low bar. Random Assclown: I'd like volume two of Ms. Marvel and the first collection of Masters of Kung Fu.
Me: Well, the second volume of Ms Marvel won't be out until March, and.....there is no listing for a Masters Of Kung Fu collection. Sorry. RA: Well, I need them before Christmas, so I guess I'll take my business to Amazon, then. Me: So you're going to order one book that doesn't exist and one that won't be available until March, and get it online? Do you have some sort of time portal? RA: Whatever. A woman in her late forties and her daughter come into the store armed with a barrage of questions about Shaun Tan.
RC: We're looking for her book "Saga". Me: Saga is not by Shaun Tan. We do have Saga, and we do have a Shaun Tan section but they're not the same thing. Here... I take her to the Shaun Tan section, and while she's flipping through the sketchbook, I go and get a copy of the first volume of Saga. RC: But where is... I hand her Saga. RC: This isn't by Shaun Tan. Me: Correct. RC: Do you have Saga by Shaun Tan? Me: It doesn't exist. Or, if it is does, it hasn't been released or mentioned online. RC frowns at me and starts talking with her daughter while I go back behind the counter and sell things to people. After a few minutes, she brings the two Shaun Tan books we have up to the counter, having left Saga on the pile of Shaun Tan books. Of course. RC: What kind of discount do I get? Me: For what? RC: Usually when I buy two books, I get a discount. Me: Really? Where do you shop? I simply must go there. RC frowns again and buys both books. At full price. I'm pretty sure that if I kill this bottle of chocolate cherry Bailey's by myself, I officially become someone's problematic aunt.
Just had one of those moments when, after a long shift and some difficult writing, I went to the grocery store to pick up some essentials. Ahead of me in line were three very stoned dudes in three differently entertaining sets of sweatpants, trying to score weed off the cashier. I was in the midst of congratulating myself for having made, relatively, better life decisions when I realized our purchase was identical down to the box of frozen peirogies and the brand of peanut butter.
In completely unrelated news, I'm in the market for a new life coach. |
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