X-Men Headcanon 15: Family Secrets

Despite an epic moment in X-history: the wedding of Jean Grey and Cyclops, this is a solidly forgettable era of X-books. While The Legacy Virus looms in the background, we spend these volumes following Cable and the X-Force through a series of Fabien Nicieza anti-climaxes, and experiencing an actually entertaining storyline where we learn about Nightcrawler's family history while also seeing what happens when Sabretooth ends up at the X-Mansion.

I would absolutely read a collection that only included the Excalibur and X-Men Unlimited Nightcrawler stories and the Sabretooth parts of Uncanny X-Men (along with his first mini-series) but the way they're collected in these volumes includes a lot of dull stories that either don't lead anywhere or else don't have a humongous effect on any other titles.

None of these books made Headcanon, though The Wedding Of Cyclops & Jean Grey came fairly close.

X-Force Toy Soldiers by Fabien Nicieza, Matt Broome, Tony S Daniel, Rick Mays
X-Force: Cable, Cannonball, Sunspot, Boom-Boom, Rictor, Feral, Shatterstar, Warpath, 
​1st Appearances: Reignfire

I usually like to point out that, while it has been en vogue for over thirty years to blame the EXTREME pouch-filled nineties superhero garbage at the poorly drawn feet of Rob Liefeld, the real culprit is Fabien Nicieza, who has the writing skills of a damp crouton. Heaps and heaps of bad ideas stacked on top each of other, forgotten, left to wither in someone else's X-book. He is nearly always the worst part of any X-book that has his name on it.

This is not true of this collection. The writing is mostly forgettable, he continues to try and cram some sort of accent into Feral because that's what Chris Claremont did with all his characters. Claremont was inconsistent but hid it by beating the reader over the head with the same catch phrases until the accent didn't matter. Nicieza just throws in the occasional colloquialism when he happens to remember it.

His worst crime (and again, he's not the worst part of this book) is that he compares mutant rights to abortion, saying unborn fetuses should have the same rights as mutants. It's clunky and out of nowhere, and might have been something people seized on to complain about Nicieza but at this point in the X-Force run, anyone buying it was looking at the pictures and mouthing the words they don't understand. I presume most people dropped out when they started in on Immortal Cannonball and spending 1/3rd of the book focusing on Cable, who had his own book, also written by Nicieza.

The worst of this book, though, is Matt Broome's art. His backgrounds are fine. His anatomy is no worse than The Marvel Way taught people in the early to mid-90s. His faces are sketchy abominations that aren't helped by sharing a book with a young Tony S. Daniel who hadn't yet hit his stride but already had a mastery of facial grammar and an ability nobody else at Marvel in the 90s had: he could draw a person with their mouth open and their teeth showing without it looking like they were taking a particularly difficult dump.

The Rick Mays/Greg Adams' issue of Nomad (1992-1994) #20 also looks like a masterpiece in comparison.

If you are super into Cable and X-Force, this might be fine for you. And while I made a cheap shot about mouthing the words and looking exclusively at the pictures, there's no shame in enjoying this book if you like the characters. If the jokes land for you and the fact that there's a character introduced in this book alternately called Adam X or EXTREME makes you happy, you should buy the issues and frame them. But if you're just a casual X-fan or you're looking for some underrated mutant books of the 90s, this ain't it.

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X-Men The Wedding Of Cycloops & Phoenix by Scott Lobdell, Fabien Nicieza, Kurt Busiek, Jeph Loeb, Glenn Herdling, John Romita JR, Andy Kubert, Aron Wisenfeld, Ian Churchill, Richard Bennett, Mike McKone, Ron Randall, Tim Sale, Ken Lashley, Tom Lyle, Jae Lee, Ron Garney, and Bill Sienkiewicz
X-Men: Prof X, Cyclops, Jean Grey, Beast, Iceman, Angel, Banshee, Storm, Rogue, Psylocke, Revanche, Jubilee, Forge, Gambit,  Bishop
1st Appearances: Threnody
Also Featuring: Sabretooth, Moira MacTaggert, Maverick, Kitty Pryde, Nightcrawler, Blob, Toad, Pyro, Crimson Commando, Phantazia, Jonathan Chambers, Peter Gyrich, Trish Tilby, Infectia, Mr Sinister, Gamesmaster, Silver Samurai, Amelia Voght, Shinobi Shaw, Tessa, Caliban, Stevie Hunter, Cable, X-Cutioner

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​Bishop Mountjoy Crisis by Josh Ostrander and Carlos Pacheco
1st Appearances: Mountjoy
Also Featuring: Storm, Prof X, Gambit, Shard, Forge, Bantam, Psylocke, Angel

What should have been a story running in the background of X-Men: The Wedding of Cyclops & Phoenix, Mountjoy Crisis sees yet another time traveler from Bishop's future flung into the current X-timeline to wreak havoc.

Theoretically, this expands on Bishop's origins and gives his character more depth but there isn't really anything interesting to add from this collection. It's told well, there just isn't really a full story's worth of plot here. Certainly not four issues worth.

Ostrander is a decent storyteller and Carlos Pacheco's art is better than most of the ongoing titled, so it's a shame there isn't enough story to make this worth the read.

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​Excalibur Epic Days Of Future Yet To Come by Scott Lobdell, Dan Slott, Evan Skolnik, Richard Ashford, Steve Buccellato, Ken Lashley, Terry Shoemaker
Excalibur: Nightcrawler, Kitty Pryde, Rachel Summers, Meggan, Cerise, Kylun, Micromax, Feron
Also Featuring: Corsair, Hepzibah, Raza, Ch'od, Lilandra, Fang, Gamesmaster, Moira MacTaggert, Siena Blaze, Ahab, Spoor, Mr Sinister, Amanda Sefton, Captain Britain, Mystique, Graydon Creed, Rogue, Forge, D'spayre, Margali Szardos, Zero

(I reviewed issues #59-67 as Excalibur Visionaries: Alan Davis, Vol. 3, I read #68-77 in issues)

I struggle to think of many positives to this run on Excalibur. As someone who was already not a fan of the series, the constant shifting of a team I didn't really care about gave me a bit of motion sickness. Characters I didn't like or care about were given dramatic sendoffs, and then, remarkably, not replaced until the team dwindled down to a bare bones ancillary X-Men team.

Once that happened, I actually started enjoying the book. I don't imagine that's the case with the people who loved Excalibur up until this point but, for me, a team of Nightcrawler, Kitty Pryde, and Rachel Summers trying to figure out their places in the X-Men universe was way more interesting than shifting through magic and fairy-themed alternate universes.

The highlight for me was the issue where Nightcrawler joins up with Rogue to learn more about his parents. This is connected to a storyline in Sabretooth, and feeds into another storyline in the X-Men. This is the type of story I connect to more than A Bedpost With A Face Gains Sentience And Chews Through Barriers Between Worlds, Some Featuring Nazi Versions Of Heroes. If the latter sounds awesome to you, then you're a better match for Excalibur than I am.

By the end of the story, (view spoiler) it seems like we're going to get a new status quo with a team more similar to the original Excalibur lineup than the trio we focus on at the end of this volume.

We also get a peek at a villain who's going to be an important part of the next X-Force story.

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X-Force Child's Play by Fabien Nicieza, Jim Kreuger, Tony S Daniel, Darick Robertson, Paul Pelletier, Mike Weiringo, Brandon McKinney, and Arnie Jorgensen
X-Force: Cable, Cannonball, Boom-Boom, Rictor, Shatterstar, Warpath, Domino, Siryn
New Warriors: Thrash, Justice, Nova, Firestar, Kymaera, Speedball, Rage, Silhouette
​Also Featuring: Gamesmaster, Siena Blaze, Magma, Empath, Dani Moonstar, Husk, Icarus, Trevor Fitzroy, Shinobi Shaw, Graydon Creed, Fenris, Mantek, Forge, Banshee, Nimrod, Apocalypse, Saul, Gideon, Feral, Forearm, Wildside, Jade Dragon, Collective Man, Reignfire

Fabien Nicieza's plots are usually inconsistent and tenuous. The first half of this collection is a focused storyline. Unfortunately for me, as a reader, it also heavily features another of Nicieza's teams, The New Warriors, who I'm not very familiar with, and who aren't very interesting in this volume.

The overall plot of the first half, that The Gamesmaster and The Upstarts have set a contest to kill all the original members of The New Mutants and The Hellions is interesting. Unfortunately, like most Nicieza stories, it doesn't really end so much as fizzle out. There's no satisfying comeuppance but also no cliffhangers for any future storylines, it just sort of ends, mostly off-panel.

The rest of the book is short stories about Nimrod, the Mutant Liberation Front, and the Externals. None of them are terrible but none of them are conclusive, either. Once again, Nicieza introduces some intriguing ideas and then gets distracted and the stories just end so we can move on to the next idea.

I think you have to be a die-hard fan to enjoy the main Child's Play Story and/or the annual issue, which focuses on the Mutant Liberation Front. The rest of the stories in this volume are forgettable no matter how much you love X-Force continuity. There just isn't enough in this volume to care about ever reading it again.​

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